My New Normal?

Here I am, about 6 months out from my incident.  How am I doing?

Immediately following my incident in February I had received many cards and well wishes and flowers.  Many people stopped by the hospital to visit and encourage me.  At the time it made me feel okay and I thought just maybe I could do this thing called life after all.

I have been working with the therapist I have had for a few years and my assigned psychiatrist, trying to get me to a positive place.  The hope is that I can get to a positive place that will be sustainable.  My therapist has always been very positive herself and it has always been helpful to have a session with her.  I guess the time spent there is to try and heal my emotional well being. 

Since February my psychiatrist has been adjusting & changing my medications.  This would be to heal my physical well being.  Supposedly depression is caused by a lack of something, or a messed up something in my head.  And drugs are supposed to fix that.

My therapist has been helping me with coping skills, relaxing techniques and methods of gaining a more positive outlook on life. 

The medication mix I am currently on seems to be the most helpful so far.

There is no magic cure that will erase the issues causing depression.  All the garbage in me that had ever caused depression will always be there.  The best I can do is learn to cope, learn to be happy, and find a medication that will help prevent another downward spiral.

Sue has been my best friend, the love of my life and my soul mate.  She has been giving all the help she possibly can to build me back up.  She listens to me, trying to understand what I am going through.  She such a positive, bright light in my life.

So, how am I doing?

The depression isn't affecting me as bad lately.  It's all still there but I don't have nearly as many episodes of feeling dark despair or sobbing uncontrollably.  I guess my emotions are a bit more positive and more stable.  Although occasionally one of these episodes will still grab ahold of me.  I always used to have issues being in large groups of people, and that seems to have worsened.  A few times over the past few months I have experienced more pronounced panic attacks while in a large group, more than I ever did before.  A couple of times it was bad enough that I had to leave.  Another symptom that seems to be hanging on with me is nervousness and anxiety.  I lump them together since they seem to go hand in hand, and the most troubling effect of these is a physical jitteriness or shaking.  I never had that before, and the jitteriness or shaking is occurring more frequently and for no apparent reason.  It started small, just in my hands.  But lately I can feel it all over, hands and arms and legs.  And there have been more headaches.  I have been back at work on my old job but that has become almost overwhelmingly stressful.  Anymore it's difficult to focus on what I'm doing and to get all my work completed every day.  I read quite a bit, watch shows & movies.  These last have always been my best method of escape.

Is there hope for me?  Sure.  Can I get back into a happier life?  Sure.  Will it take time?  Sure.

I counsel everyone else to be patient.  I need to maintain my own patience.

My Doorways

For the greater part of my life it seemed that I was stuck within the doorways between male and female.  The body I was born with, my physical self was male.  But the mind I was born with, my soul was female.  My family and the world could only see the physical part of me so that is how I grew up.  That is how I was socialized.  That is how I had to live.  I never felt safe to allow the world to know who I really was, not even those closest to me.  For a very long time I lived this way with this huge secret always there, lurking around within my being.  After much too long it got to be too difficult to continue living this way.  People aren't meant to remain stuck in this doorway.  We're meant to be fully on one side or the other.  I had to force myself through that doorway into the side where I felt I belonged.  Fully as a female.  I was able to close the door to the male side and use my key to lock that door.  I have tried to do as much as possible to take my place as a female.

It turns out there has been another doorway I've been stuck within.  A doorway between a larger space.  A doorway between light and dark.  I'm not talking about the sides of good and evil here.  It's more like the sides between sunshine & happiness & life, and sadness & anger & nothingness.  That doorway is open to me now and I am straddling the threshold. 

The side of this door that is full of light and life and happiness appears very nice.  There are many people there that know me and care about me and are trying to help me through.  I yearn to jump over to this side but it seems so very hard to do. 

The other side of this door is dark and full of nothing, but it still has something of a hold on me.  There is a surprising feeling of calm and peace coming from there.  Falling back to this side would seem to be so very easy.

As with the gender door, people aren't meant to remain stuck here either.  I know I need to move to one side or the other of this door, lock it and throw away the key.  But for now I cannot make any move.  The dark side holds all my depression and is locked onto me as if with a chain.  I will never be fully on the side of light & life until I am able to break that depression chain holding and pulling me back.

.....does not glitter

I have been thinking about the title I chose for this blog:
"All that is gold does not glitter....."

One thing that is supposed to be golden is life.  And it sure does NOT glitter.  There is so very
much selfishness and greed in our world.  There is much too much racial and religious distrust
and disparity.  Way too much gun violence, way too much of any kind of violence.  There is just
an unbelievable amount of hatred out there.  I could go on and on but everyone knows what our
world is like, what it has become.  I've said this before.....it's NOT supposed to be this way.

Every couple of weeks I see this saying:
"Life is a journey and only you hold the map."

Whenever I think of this saying I usually paraphrase it to myself this way:
"Life is a journey and only you hold the key."

It seems I have apparently spent my entire life stuck in doorways related to that life, where
opposing things exist on each side.  I guess only I hold the key to my doorways.

No ending.....second chance instead

Immediately following my last post almost a month ago on Wednesday, February 11th, I attempted suicide.  I started swallowing a big pile of pills with the intent of ending my life.  I had been experiencing fairly severe depression and felt that I could no longer continue on.  My attempt failed.  The pills I began taking made me drowsy and I passed out before I swallowed enough pills to be fatal.  Sue found me after she returned home from work that day and immediately called 911.  I was taken to the hospital emergency room, then within 24 hours moved to intensive care.  I remember next to nothing those first 2 or 3 days.  I know different people visited me, some I sort of remember and some I don't.  The hospital kept someone in my room 24/7 for suicide watch.  On Friday they moved me to a locked ward called the Behavioral Management Unit.  The staff on this ward are tasked with helping people who have just experienced some crisis such as suicide or something serious involving substance abuse.  They did a great job getting me back on my feet.  And while I was in the hospital I received many cards and messages, visitors and flowers.  I woke up to the fact that there are many people out there that care about me.  I had been allowing my depression to block out any feelings from other people, even feelings from Sue.  So it was a literal eye-opener that all these people, especially Sue, were caring more for me than I had been caring for myself.

I have been trying to rebuild my life and reconnect with people. 

It's hard but I want to do better than before, be a better friend than before.

This Is The End

There had been much more that I wanted to say.  I suppose wallowing in my self pity and grief ate up all of my time.  And now the time has come to say my final goodbye.

The last few days and hours have been somewhat surreal.  I haven't felt that I could share the extent of my depression with anyone, not even with Sue.  So outwardly, for all the world, it has been business as usual.  While internally I have been a train wreck.

My only regret in ending my life is the disruption & turmoil I will be causing to everyone close to me.  But I cannot put this off any longer.  I do not feel afraid of doing this.  I do not feel afraid about what may happen next.  The goal is to put an end to this confusing craziness.

Goodbye everyone.

Not a Fantasy, Another Truth Revealed

I will say this only once. 

The truth is that sex actually is part of it all. 

I will never experience sex the way I'm supposed to, as a woman.

That's a pain point.

Black Hole

What is tough is knowing, really knowing that there are people that do care about you and love you.  How can I still feel so alone and hopeless while surrounded by so much love?  Why do I feel such sadness all the time? 

What is tough is knowing that there are others out there going through gender struggles too.  They all might have different situations, might be at different places on their journey, and many have a rougher path than mine.

Depression can be so insidious and relentless.  There seems to be no reason for its existence.  But it is there nonetheless.  Deep and dark and constant.  A black hole I cannot find a way out of.

I feel tremendous guilt for being so selfish.  But the anguish and sorrow continuously follow me around.  So strange, but I am no longer afraid.

Return to the Edge?

She returned to spend time with the friends she had made earlier.  They are very kind and accepting, and welcome her to stay with them.  She finds it to be a good enough life.  However, she never feels to be completely part of their tribe.  There remains a part of her that knows without question that she is different, that she belongs in that other place.  Despite having found a good life she struggles to be happy.  She continuously feels drawn to her true home while knowing that she can never make her way there.  Eventually she leaves her adopted tribe and sets out on her own again.  She wanders aimlessly, and then finds herself back at the edge.  At this point she cannot go back, she cannot go forward.  She feels stuck, and extremely sad.  She falls to the ground at the edge, sobbing uncontrollably.

Clothes don't make the woman or man

What you put on, on the outside, will not define who you are on the inside.  Clothes, along with your attitude and general presentation, may help society identify your gender.  But what truly defines your gender is inside.  It is your personality, your mind, your soul.  The sooner you begin to present your true soul to society the better off you will be in the long run. 

I spent a whole life suppressing my true self, keeping it internal, while maintaining a false costume, a false personhood to the world for decades.  The male hormones stewing inside of me slowly changed my body the wrong way, made my body a thing of loathing.  The psychological impact of denying my true self and spending my life pretending to be a man has deeply scarred my mind.  I have physical aspects of a male that I will likely never be able to erase.  I have a lifetime of socializing as a man that has been deeply ingrained onto my personality.  I have lost a lifetime of experiences, emotions and feelings, I have lost a lifetime of living as my correct gender.
 
I have come to believe that the better course of action for anyone who is transgender has got to be finding a way to come out to the world, and finding a way to transition to your correct gender as early in your life as possible.  It may be much too late for me.

Losing It - Part xxx (Always)

I damn near lost it at work yesterday afternoon.  The feeling of despair kept growing all
day and by mid-afternoon I was ready to start crying.  I knew if that started the
uncontrollable sobbing would be right behind.  Now that would have made a nice scene at
work.  I walked away from my desk for a bit, took an anxiety pill and fought back the
tears.  When I returned to my work I was still having trouble focusing so I took another
half of an anxiety pill.  To explain this anxiety medication, it is fairly strong and I
usually take only half a tablet at a time.  By the last half hour of work I was settled down
but right at 5:00 I bolted out of there.  The anxiety medication did its trick but as I
said it is powerful.  By the time Sue got home I was relaxed to the max.  I am sure Sue was
a bit worried so I did try to explain what was going on.  But I do not believe anyone
except my therapist really understands the full extent of my depression.  I ended up
crawling my butt to bed early, and slept the whole night through.  I am merely trying to
document this incident.  I have no words of wisdom (as if) to add to what happened this
time.

Continuum

I am finding that this has become more difficult than I expected.  This thing called
living.  I have come to the point where every day I think about the gender issue.  How I
have had to spend life as a man, even though I felt I should have been a woman.  I have
been living as a woman for a while now but is it really enough?  Added to this is a daily
consideration of whether it is worth going forward.  Now that I had seriously planned on
ending this thing called living, despite having put that action aside, a part of me still
wonders if I should just follow through.  It gets to be an overwhelming thought process
most days.  Burying myself in work or a book or a show helps temporarily but the underlying
crap never goes away. 

What the heck am I supposed to do now?

Reboot?

Hello life. 

I am still breathing. 

I did not follow through with my plan. 

I stayed my hand. 

I have backed away from the edge.

I spent much time reflecting on the meaning of it all during the extra time I gave myself
leading up to Sunday.  I am going to give my life another chance.  All the crap is still
there and there may not be anything I can do to fix the past or present.  Somewhere this
stray thought kept bouncing around that maybe I could try harder to change the future. 
There is some sort of law in physics about things following the path of least resistance. 
That is the path I was allowing myself to slide down on.  I know that backing away from the
edge will not be easy.  I will need to find different ways to do things, find different
paths to take.  It will take a lot of work.

Final countdown

Only one direction has been pulling strongly.  It has been dominating my thoughts for months.  I considered every alternative I could and kept coming back to the only solution.  I planned as best I could, the means and the aftermath.  The earliest date would be be the weekend of January 16 through 18.  I took the last three workdays off, hoping to use that time to get my affairs in some kind of order.  I was ready.

Damn it all to hell, ever since I was old enough to really know the difference, I knew I was supposed to be a girl.  I missed out on way too much of life's experiences, the experiences I should have had, in having to grow up and live as the wrong gender.  Experiences and living that I can never have, never regain.  It is very difficult to see things getting any better by going further in trying to claim my rightful gender.  I have been drawn to committing the ultimate selfish act.

But I keep coming back to the thought of this one bright light that has kept me going during most of my life.  Someone who has stood with me as I am, whether living as a false man or as a wannabe woman.  I worried about the effect my action would have on Sue.  And Christina.  My true family.  Their love for me has really been unconditional, and my love for them has been the same. 

I had planned to end my life on Sunday January 18th.  I had finally gathered everything I needed and had pinpointed the time and place.  I had finished writing goodbye letters to everyone in my life who matters.  All that was left was waiting and reflecting.

The Choice

Going over the edge would be so very easy.  Just too darn easy really.  It would be simple to just give up.  Going on, trying to find something in myself to keep going, some possible  way to get to a place I truly belong all seems so very hard.  Even though our world continues to get meaner and angrier and more selfish, I know there are still good people out there, some that even care about me.  More than I care about myself.  Crap!  What am I supposed to do?

Hitting the Edge

It's like a movie where the main character is out in the wilderness trying to find her way to the place she belongs.  She can see the place way over on the far side of the valley.  There is no other way to get there except by placing one foot in front of the other and moving forward.  It has been taking quite some time.  She has endured a number of various conflicts along the way, and has encountered numerous people, some who have been friendly & helpful.  But she is driven to move forward thinking that the other side of that valley is where she truly belongs.  After slipping down a steep forested slope she comes to the edge of a cliff.  The valley is spread out in front of her....but seemingly 1000 feet straight down.  There is no way to get down that cliff.  She has come to a dead stop in her journey and she feels there is nothing more she can do.  She sits down right on the edge to think.  Her journey has taken up so much of her life and she is so very tired of traveling.  She seriously considers falling forward a bit and ending it all.  It would be so easy.  She also remembers with fondness some of the people she had met, the ones who had been so very nice and encouraging and helpful.  She could pull herself away from the edge, go back up to rebuild her life a bit differently.  Death?  Or give life another chance?

Like a moth to a flame

"Moth" by Chad Gray
Lyrics slightly modified by Mikayla

I've chosen to stay sequestered,
Alone but tightly wound.
Internally beaten, locked up and bound.
Never felt fully human, I had a soul that was torn.
Unlike all others, fully different since the day I was born.
The wounds that I wear are the crown upon a king.
So heavy they lie, with all the pain that they bring.
My life is full of longing, for what I'll always know.
I've been drawn in to the fire as I reap what I sow.

Like a moth to a flame, my wings burn away,
When things are too beautiful, I smash them to pieces,
The more that you love me insecurity releases,
And I'll be the one that's to blame,
So I'll sell my soul to blaze
Like a moth to a flame.
(like a moth to a flame)

The ruler of the kingdom that ends up the pawn,
So tired of thinking of where it all went wrong,
Friendships never started, no beginning, no end,
Wouldn't dream in a million years that this could be one of them.
Faith in a life, belief it must end,
Failure's not an option, but no options exist,
I gave up my everything, I give till I bleed,
Take it all, take everything just take it from me.

Like a moth to a flame, my wings burn away,
When things are too beautiful, I smash them to pieces,
The more that you love me insecurity releases,
And I'll be the one that's to blame,
So I'll set my soul to blaze.

You're pushing me, I'm pushing back,
Falling down my heart attacks,
Compassion is lost,
No more hope, no more trust,
I tore it down and burnt it up,
All faith is gone.
Respect, devotion,
Dead,
Disgust, hate,
Lies
I'm not a hero, or a villain,
Not a god, guy or woman,
Staring through the hourglass,
At the footprints in the sand,
I'm stripping off my armor,
My battles here are done,
Wave my white flag to surrender and fly into the sun.

Like a moth to a flame, my wings burn away,
When things are too beautiful, I smash them to pieces,
The more that you love me insecurity releases,
And I'll be the one that's to blame,
So I'll set my soul to blaze.
Like a moth to a flame.
Moth to a flame