Only one direction has been pulling strongly. It has been dominating my thoughts for months. I considered every alternative I could and kept coming back to the only solution. I planned as best I could, the means and the aftermath. The earliest date would be be the weekend of January 16 through 18. I took the last three workdays off, hoping to use that time to get my affairs in some kind of order. I was ready.
Damn it all to hell, ever since I was old enough to really know the difference, I knew I was supposed to be a girl. I missed out on way too much of life's experiences, the experiences I should have had, in having to grow up and live as the wrong gender. Experiences and living that I can never have, never regain. It is very difficult to see things getting any better by going further in trying to claim my rightful gender. I have been drawn to committing the ultimate selfish act.
But I keep coming back to the thought of this one bright light that has kept me going during most of my life. Someone who has stood with me as I am, whether living as a false man or as a wannabe woman. I worried about the effect my action would have on Sue. And Christina. My true family. Their love for me has really been unconditional, and my love for them has been the same.
I had planned to end my life on Sunday January 18th. I had finally gathered everything I needed and had pinpointed the time and place. I had finished writing goodbye letters to everyone in my life who matters. All that was left was waiting and reflecting.
No comments:
Post a Comment