I developed an interest in fictional literature at an early age. Especially Science Fiction. Fiction in general was a subject I found very appealing. Imagining different please and/or people I could be. Over time, and for well written stories, I found it quite easy to imagine myself "there", to lose myself and for a short time be in that other place, or be that other person. Already at an early age I was beginning to see a discord in me, a difference, something not quite right. And so many stories depicted places and people that seemed so much better. Still today I find enjoyment in "losing myself" in a well written book, a movie, or even some music. But.....
Also at an early age I developed a feeling of not belonging. The obvious was that I did not feel I belonged to the body I was in. But growing up there were other times I sensed I did not belong. I remember actually wondering for a time whether I was even in the right family. I thought at some point my "real" parents would show up and make things right.
I'm sure the influence of fiction had much to do with my sense that I did not belong to this society, this world. As I got older, a teenager, there were many times I was with a group of people (relatives, classmates, church groups, coworkers, etc) and knew for certain that I wasn't really "one of them". I would imagine that someone would call me out, declare me to be a fake, an impostor, and chase me away. Eventually I began to distance myself from others.
I told myself over and over again that I didn't need people, I didn't need friends. Other people had friends but friendship was something I tried to tune out. Here and there a few people broke through that barrier and I do realize that hey had considered themselves to be friends to me. Hell, I was asked to be best man at two different weddings (what irony that was, always the best man, never the bride!).
No one could ever be allowed to find out who I really was. I had to bury this gender thing within myself, never allow the world a hint of it. My strategy became one of never getting close to anyone, never letting myself be vulnerable. I withdrew into myself, kept to the sidelines, kept my head down, became a nobody.
I didn't like who I was. I didn't like my life. There was no future for me. I was stuck in a hopeless life. And there was nothing I could do about it. Thirty, forty, fifty years ago in the American Midwest I had no knowledge there could be any options for me to change myself. Thanks to my Catholic upbringing suicide could never be a conscious option.
I found ways to numb myself as much and as often as possible. I drifted, I existed, but I wasn't really living.
This is what it was like for me growing up and on into adulthood.
