It seems as if my whole life I have been trying to escape reality.
As a young teenager I had very few resources but I quickly found that losing myself in books or movies worked as a fairly good method for forgetting my own life for a little while.
As I got a bit older though I fell onto the path of least resistance: drugs & alcohol. Around the time I was a junior in high school I started with beer. Eventually I found people who had access to drugs. Marijuana mostly for a long while. Beer and cheap wine, and marijuana seemed a decent solution. I was able to numb my senses and dull my reality, and while under the influence it was easy to stop thinking about myself, about how wrong I was. That kind of escape is very truly the road to destruction. And I was definitely heading in that direction.
Eventually though, fate or karma or God intervened, and brought Sue into my life. What a shocker that was at first. But being with Sue seemed so good, so right. I found that there was this thing called love in me (who would've known!) and once I let that cat out of the bag a much better escape presented itself. I could learn how to live as a man. No big deal. That was what the world saw me as anyway. So why couldn't I do it? It sure worked for the longest time. I was able to stumble along posing as a man, learned how to behave as expected, got my part down fairly well. This really seemed to be the answer. I lived the part so well I that those thoughts of gender wrongness seemed to fade far into the background, no longer needing any consideration.
Now why couldn't things have stayed that way? Everybody seemed fairly happy. Things seemed to be going smoothly along. Unfortunately those feelings of gender incongruity were still festering down in the cellar of my soul. It began reaching more & more into through my subconscious and eventually got back into my everyday thoughts. Yikes! Now what do I do?
I became convinced that the way I was living, and seemingly successfully, just wasn't going to keep working anymore. I did NOT want to go back to drugs so instead I turned back to alcohol. I learned that it was easiest to drink hard liquor. Less input for more effect. My poison of choice was scotch whiskey. Big bottles of it. A tall stiff drink (sometimes two) at night seemed to do the trick. For a while this was helping just like when I was younger. My reality would fade far back for awhile.
After a longish time of this stupidity I knew it wasn't going to work. I just knew that I could not continue in this manner without some big, bad thing happening. And Sue didn't miss anything either. She knew something was going on. I was getting more & more quiet and sullen and angry. So far nothing I had ever done with my life would make my gender dysphoria disappear.
Then I had an epiphany of sorts. Since I couldn't make it go away, would it be possible to embrace it? Could I accept who I really was? Could I find some way fix myself, so that I could live the rest of my life correctly?
I began researching what being transgender is really about. I learned that there were in fact things I could do to change myself. And I learned that I wasn't the only one out there going through this. I went on a mission to do whatever it would take to transition from my incorrect male life to a totally correct female one.
My one and only concern, my biggest worry, was that I would lose Sue. How could I expect her to remain in our relationship after she found out the truth about me? But you know what? Fate or karma or God were still involved in this thing. Learning the truth about me was very traumatic for Sue as was expected. She had so many doubts about me. She lost so much trust in me. But she didn't lose her love for me. She wanted to stay with me. Wow!
Through it all, I was always able to find momentary relief in books and movies. Small things can sometimes work.
So my escape mechanism the past few years has been to find ways to live as my true self.
Is that really an escape anymore?
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
It Hurts
It hurts when your sister never talks to you. It hurts when your brother turns away when you are in the middle of talking to him. It hurts when your father expresses love & affection toward your siblings, but not toward you.
It hurts when you stop and consider all the hatred in this world.
Ahhh..... this stuff hurts so very much.
It hurts when you stop and consider all the hatred in this world.
Ahhh..... this stuff hurts so very much.
Monday, December 1, 2014
The Balance
Not fair, really. The balance of life. Most of my anger and impatience have disappeared. But now Sue is burdened with an overabundance of impatience. The nightmare I used to have, the life I used to have, is gone. But now Sue is stuck with that nightmare in reverse.
And it all just keeps rolling along.....
And it all just keeps rolling along.....
Friday, November 28, 2014
It is NOT supposed to be this way
Holidays are the worst for me. Today is the day after Thanksgiving. I really do not like the term Black Friday (but I do not want to get into that today).
The Ten Commandments were given to us during the time of Moses, a long time before Jesus came along. The way I understand it, Jesus came along at the time He did to help us better understand God. One thing Jesus told us is that the first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind. And second to this is to love your neighbor as yourself. Everything else is supposed to depend on these two things.
But back to Thanksgiving Day. Here is the deal for me. Every one of us on this planet is different. Each person has good and bad in them. Every person is unique. I am so very thankful for anyone who can accept what is different about others, who can remain open to the possibility of good in each of us, who can love unconditionally. That's what our life as human beings means to me.
The way I see the world today though, far too few people understand and practice this. It seems as if over my lifetime more and more people take offense at the smallest infraction, take far too many issues the wrong way, are much too quick to become angry. There appears to be so much hate in this world. It is NOT supposed to be this way.
The Ten Commandments were given to us during the time of Moses, a long time before Jesus came along. The way I understand it, Jesus came along at the time He did to help us better understand God. One thing Jesus told us is that the first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind. And second to this is to love your neighbor as yourself. Everything else is supposed to depend on these two things.
But back to Thanksgiving Day. Here is the deal for me. Every one of us on this planet is different. Each person has good and bad in them. Every person is unique. I am so very thankful for anyone who can accept what is different about others, who can remain open to the possibility of good in each of us, who can love unconditionally. That's what our life as human beings means to me.
The way I see the world today though, far too few people understand and practice this. It seems as if over my lifetime more and more people take offense at the smallest infraction, take far too many issues the wrong way, are much too quick to become angry. There appears to be so much hate in this world. It is NOT supposed to be this way.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
A Heathen's Experience At A Catholic Mass
I was brought up in a Catholic family. My parents have always been strong, devout Catholics. I attended Catholic school from 1st through 12th grades, and attended church every Sunday and all the special holy days until I was in my teens.
During my teen years when I began questioning how my life was supposed to be, I also began to question the relevance of the Catholic church. My education was heavy on religious doctrine and law and history. But mixed in there I had also learned about many of the corrupt leaders the Catholic church had experienced during its long history the and how human thinking greatly influenced and shaped so much of what the Catholic faithful practice today.
The bible is supposed to be the divine word, the only true word of God, to be considered the one ultimate basis of every aspect of our lives. The truth is that the bible consists of selected teachings interpreted numerous times throughout history. Those multiple interpretations of each lesson do not guarantee we are actually reading the original intent of those lessons. Additionally, there have been found many other manuscripts found from the same time periods that the bible's lessons are derived from that have never been included with the present day bible.
Add to this what my young, teenaged self was seeing. People who regularly attend Sunday mass but completely dismiss most Christian values throughout the rest of the week. People who regularly attend Sunday mass but always leave before the service has completed to ensure they get out of the parking lot first. People who say the prayers, repeating the same words over & over again by rote, not actually having any true thought or feeling regarding what is coming out of their mouths.
And a couple of the kickers is that anyone who is not Catholic cannot participate in communion and cannot go to heaven. A true Catholic believes they have the only true religion and belief in the true God, so if you are not a member of the club you do not get any of the benefits.
I have not attended Catholic mass much at all since high school and have not considered myself to be a member of that special club.
I do not harbor any anger or hate toward Catholicism. I have great respect for many of their traditions. The thing is, I cannot believe that they hold all the cards in the religion game. As a group they tend to appear close minded and uncaring of anyone not believing like themselves.
This has been a somewhat long-winded approach to what I really want to talk about, but you needed the background. Throughout her life my mother was one of the most faithful & devout Catholics I have known. She passed away over two years ago but thinking over her life I think she lived as close as possible to the way a Christian is supposed to live. She may have missed out on a few things by adhering to the Catholic faith but she was always a strongly Christian woman. My father has been the same. He has always lived exactly how devoutly Catholic men are supposed to.
My father is now 86 years old. He has had trouble seeing and hearing. It has been some time since he could drive a car. Since my mother passed away he has moved into a retirement community that he likes and has many good friends. It is very important to him to attend Sunday mass every week but occasionally he doesn't get a ride lined up. Since I am the only child of his living in the area he will call me for a ride. The first couple of times this happened I dropped him off at the church, then picked him up an hour later. I found that there is not much you can do in that hour in between so I started attending church with him on these occasions. I am sure this please him immensely even though I do not join in the communion and do not kneel when everyone else does.
This morning was one such occasion. Afterwards I was thinking that it seems that I have attended Catholic mass more times now since my mother passed away than in all the time between my teenaged years and my mother's death. I still do not consider myself to be Catholic but I must admit to having a certain sense of fulfillment?, satisfaction?, closure? ..... something anyway that feels rather good with spending this time with my father.
Finally, we are getting to the lesson of the day. One of the readings from this morning was the bible lesson found in a couple of places (Matthew 22:37-40, Mark 12:29-31, Luke 10:26-28) where Jesus informs people what are considered to be the greatest commandments:
"the first is that you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is that you shall love your neighbor as yourself. There are no other commandments greater than these.”
So let me ask this..... How can anyone who claims to be a true Christian not help anyone in need? How can a true Christian hold hate and anger toward anyone? How can a true Christian not accept others whether they are white or black or yellow or purple? Or whether they are liberal or conservative, Democrats or Republicans or Green Party or Tea Party? Or whether they are Catholic or Lutheran or Methodist or Presbyterian, or Jewish or Islamic (all these denominations & religions do actually believe in the same God after all). Or (here it comes) whether or not they are straight or gay or lesbian or bisexual or transgender?
How can a true Christian hate another human being? How?
During my teen years when I began questioning how my life was supposed to be, I also began to question the relevance of the Catholic church. My education was heavy on religious doctrine and law and history. But mixed in there I had also learned about many of the corrupt leaders the Catholic church had experienced during its long history the and how human thinking greatly influenced and shaped so much of what the Catholic faithful practice today.
The bible is supposed to be the divine word, the only true word of God, to be considered the one ultimate basis of every aspect of our lives. The truth is that the bible consists of selected teachings interpreted numerous times throughout history. Those multiple interpretations of each lesson do not guarantee we are actually reading the original intent of those lessons. Additionally, there have been found many other manuscripts found from the same time periods that the bible's lessons are derived from that have never been included with the present day bible.
Add to this what my young, teenaged self was seeing. People who regularly attend Sunday mass but completely dismiss most Christian values throughout the rest of the week. People who regularly attend Sunday mass but always leave before the service has completed to ensure they get out of the parking lot first. People who say the prayers, repeating the same words over & over again by rote, not actually having any true thought or feeling regarding what is coming out of their mouths.
And a couple of the kickers is that anyone who is not Catholic cannot participate in communion and cannot go to heaven. A true Catholic believes they have the only true religion and belief in the true God, so if you are not a member of the club you do not get any of the benefits.
I have not attended Catholic mass much at all since high school and have not considered myself to be a member of that special club.
I do not harbor any anger or hate toward Catholicism. I have great respect for many of their traditions. The thing is, I cannot believe that they hold all the cards in the religion game. As a group they tend to appear close minded and uncaring of anyone not believing like themselves.
This has been a somewhat long-winded approach to what I really want to talk about, but you needed the background. Throughout her life my mother was one of the most faithful & devout Catholics I have known. She passed away over two years ago but thinking over her life I think she lived as close as possible to the way a Christian is supposed to live. She may have missed out on a few things by adhering to the Catholic faith but she was always a strongly Christian woman. My father has been the same. He has always lived exactly how devoutly Catholic men are supposed to.
My father is now 86 years old. He has had trouble seeing and hearing. It has been some time since he could drive a car. Since my mother passed away he has moved into a retirement community that he likes and has many good friends. It is very important to him to attend Sunday mass every week but occasionally he doesn't get a ride lined up. Since I am the only child of his living in the area he will call me for a ride. The first couple of times this happened I dropped him off at the church, then picked him up an hour later. I found that there is not much you can do in that hour in between so I started attending church with him on these occasions. I am sure this please him immensely even though I do not join in the communion and do not kneel when everyone else does.
This morning was one such occasion. Afterwards I was thinking that it seems that I have attended Catholic mass more times now since my mother passed away than in all the time between my teenaged years and my mother's death. I still do not consider myself to be Catholic but I must admit to having a certain sense of fulfillment?, satisfaction?, closure? ..... something anyway that feels rather good with spending this time with my father.
Finally, we are getting to the lesson of the day. One of the readings from this morning was the bible lesson found in a couple of places (Matthew 22:37-40, Mark 12:29-31, Luke 10:26-28) where Jesus informs people what are considered to be the greatest commandments:
"the first is that you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is that you shall love your neighbor as yourself. There are no other commandments greater than these.”
So let me ask this..... How can anyone who claims to be a true Christian not help anyone in need? How can a true Christian hold hate and anger toward anyone? How can a true Christian not accept others whether they are white or black or yellow or purple? Or whether they are liberal or conservative, Democrats or Republicans or Green Party or Tea Party? Or whether they are Catholic or Lutheran or Methodist or Presbyterian, or Jewish or Islamic (all these denominations & religions do actually believe in the same God after all). Or (here it comes) whether or not they are straight or gay or lesbian or bisexual or transgender?
How can a true Christian hate another human being? How?
Saturday, September 6, 2014
It Can Often Rain
It is a rare and exceptional person who is willing and able to share a transition with their spouse.
But.....
Statistically, the odds are very much against us. The greater majority of spouses cannot or will not continue a relationship with a transitioning spouse. Especially if the marriage has gone on any length of time without the spouse being aware of the gender conflict their partner is experiencing. No blame should be placed on either partner. The transgender individual almost always reaches the point where it absolutely necessary to transition to a life living as their preferred gender, and once begun that person will be happier with their life. However, it is not what the non-transitioning spouse ever expected, and can seriously detract from that person's happiness. The happiness & well being scale generally will tip upwards for the transgender individual but downwards for the spouse.
I learned recently that a dear friend and her spouse are separating. My friend struggled for so very long to avoid transitioning mostly to hold on to her relationship. And the wife tried for a long time to make a go of their relationship even after my friend began transitioning. But the wife found she could no longer cope with a same sex partner.
That's what it comes down to, transitioning for both people from a heterosexual partnership to a same sex partnership.
Anyone transgender person transitioning toward their preferred gender is often told they are so brave & courageous. I beg to argue that for any transgender person it is ultimately a matter of necessity more than bravery. In many ways coming out to everyone in the world and transitioning on the public stage is very frightening and does take a certain amount of courage. But the more brave & courageous individual by a large margin in my book is the non-transitioning spouse who chooses to actively remain in the relationship.
But.....
Statistically, the odds are very much against us. The greater majority of spouses cannot or will not continue a relationship with a transitioning spouse. Especially if the marriage has gone on any length of time without the spouse being aware of the gender conflict their partner is experiencing. No blame should be placed on either partner. The transgender individual almost always reaches the point where it absolutely necessary to transition to a life living as their preferred gender, and once begun that person will be happier with their life. However, it is not what the non-transitioning spouse ever expected, and can seriously detract from that person's happiness. The happiness & well being scale generally will tip upwards for the transgender individual but downwards for the spouse.
I learned recently that a dear friend and her spouse are separating. My friend struggled for so very long to avoid transitioning mostly to hold on to her relationship. And the wife tried for a long time to make a go of their relationship even after my friend began transitioning. But the wife found she could no longer cope with a same sex partner.
That's what it comes down to, transitioning for both people from a heterosexual partnership to a same sex partnership.
Anyone transgender person transitioning toward their preferred gender is often told they are so brave & courageous. I beg to argue that for any transgender person it is ultimately a matter of necessity more than bravery. In many ways coming out to everyone in the world and transitioning on the public stage is very frightening and does take a certain amount of courage. But the more brave & courageous individual by a large margin in my book is the non-transitioning spouse who chooses to actively remain in the relationship.
Finding Connections
I started attending meetings of the local PFLAG group a few months ago. The couple who facilitate this group (D & A) are very nice people with a gay son, who are strong advocates for the local LGBT community. About four months ago this PFLAG group came up with the idea of starting a spin-off group for transgender individuals. A guest speaker at the first meeting was from a Des Moines transgender support group. She spoke at length regarding what their group is all about, when it meets, etc, and had many great ideas.
At the beginning I told D & A that I would like to contribute support for the LGBT community (especially transgender) and that when possible I intended to attend every meeting. From that, they talked me into taking the position of facilitator of our transgender support group. The idea of doing so both excites & frightens me. I am very much looking forward to contributing in any way I can to provide support for any transgender individuals, however I am a passive & shy person who is terrified of speaking in front of a group of people. Taking on this role will be something of a challenge for me (due to my fear) but I consider it a good way find ways to deal with it. And having a passion for this type of support is a huge help. Our group has had transgender individuals attending as well as family members and friends/advocates.
We are meeting the 2nd & 4th Thursdays of every month from 5:30 PM to 7:00 PM, with the PFLAG group meeting in the same room from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM on the 2nd Thursdays of every month. I had no idea how many transgender people might live in this area and would like to attend this type of support group. From a relatively small beginning our transgender support group has been gaining strength. More transgender people than I expected, young & old, have shown up. And a few parents have attended our transgender support group, looking for answers and help with a transgender child, many of them newly aware of the child's preferred gender identity.
This summer I attended a picnic held by the local Pride group who are trying to grow their own numbers from the LGBT community. I met some great people at this event and plan to start attending their monthly meetings, which are held the 3rd Tuesday of every month. Last week I attended a summit held by the local Civil Rights Commission, the main topic being equal rights for housing for the LGBT community. Many from the local Pride and PFLAG groups attended, as did a few others from the LGBT community. I again met some great people.
What I have found is that I really look forward to meeting with these people. They thoroughly know & understand who I am and are fully accepting of me as a transgender woman. When you get right down to it, I am feeling very much connected to the people I have encountered within the local LGBT community. It is somewhat similar to a feeling of family. In many ways I am feeling a better connection with some of these people than I have with my own family (I best leave any discussion regarding relationships with my biological family for another post).
The main thing is, I have a strong sense of belonging to the local LGBT community and I would truly like to find more ways to advocate for better equality in our area and help provide better support for LGBT's, especially transgender people.
At the beginning I told D & A that I would like to contribute support for the LGBT community (especially transgender) and that when possible I intended to attend every meeting. From that, they talked me into taking the position of facilitator of our transgender support group. The idea of doing so both excites & frightens me. I am very much looking forward to contributing in any way I can to provide support for any transgender individuals, however I am a passive & shy person who is terrified of speaking in front of a group of people. Taking on this role will be something of a challenge for me (due to my fear) but I consider it a good way find ways to deal with it. And having a passion for this type of support is a huge help. Our group has had transgender individuals attending as well as family members and friends/advocates.
We are meeting the 2nd & 4th Thursdays of every month from 5:30 PM to 7:00 PM, with the PFLAG group meeting in the same room from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM on the 2nd Thursdays of every month. I had no idea how many transgender people might live in this area and would like to attend this type of support group. From a relatively small beginning our transgender support group has been gaining strength. More transgender people than I expected, young & old, have shown up. And a few parents have attended our transgender support group, looking for answers and help with a transgender child, many of them newly aware of the child's preferred gender identity.
This summer I attended a picnic held by the local Pride group who are trying to grow their own numbers from the LGBT community. I met some great people at this event and plan to start attending their monthly meetings, which are held the 3rd Tuesday of every month. Last week I attended a summit held by the local Civil Rights Commission, the main topic being equal rights for housing for the LGBT community. Many from the local Pride and PFLAG groups attended, as did a few others from the LGBT community. I again met some great people.
What I have found is that I really look forward to meeting with these people. They thoroughly know & understand who I am and are fully accepting of me as a transgender woman. When you get right down to it, I am feeling very much connected to the people I have encountered within the local LGBT community. It is somewhat similar to a feeling of family. In many ways I am feeling a better connection with some of these people than I have with my own family (I best leave any discussion regarding relationships with my biological family for another post).
The main thing is, I have a strong sense of belonging to the local LGBT community and I would truly like to find more ways to advocate for better equality in our area and help provide better support for LGBT's, especially transgender people.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Patience Dear
Patience dear woman.....
This admonishment is in reference to a couple of things.
Please be patient with the pace of transitional changes. You have already seen changes occurring in the right direction. You do know these changes cannot happen overnight (as much as you had wished that they would). Your body is in fact changing. Your body's muscle mass has been noticeably decreasing. And it appears to be redistributing where expected to hips and butt, and best of all your breasts. Your arm and hand strength is definitely less than it ever was. Your hips are wider and your breast fully fill a B cup sized bra. Your body hair (except face) is much less, and where it does exist is much finer. Your skin overall is smoother and more sensitive. That jumble of confusion and noise in your head has settled down comfortably to a zen-like quiet. Your hormone therapy is doing its work as expected. All of these changes will continue but must take time. Fifty plus years of testosterone "poisoning" cannot be undone quickly. So be patient. It is getting better.
The other thing is not so much an admonishment to yourself. Another pleasant and noticeable change has been your attitude...toward much of everything. Before you had been so impatient and angry at so many things. The smallest of incidents would get you steaming. This has been a really good change. It is difficult to attribute it directly to the hormone therapy or to the wonderful relief of being "out" as yourself. It is most likely a combination of both. The fact is, you have the patience of Job anymore. Sure, some things still occur that annoy you. But you seem to get over the few annoyances so much more easily and quickly. This is a very good change. However, as a side note Sue seems to have gained more impatience. She has become more noticeably more impatient and more angry with life's annoyances. She has been very accepting of my gender identity and transitioning, but I fear having to actually deal with it all may be causing her anger and impatience with life. What an ironic Catch-22. In coming out I had most feared losing Sue. In gaining her acceptance I fear she has lost some of her sweetness and calm. Not a fair trade-off. And I now find myself occasionally admonishing her to be patient.....
This admonishment is in reference to a couple of things.
Please be patient with the pace of transitional changes. You have already seen changes occurring in the right direction. You do know these changes cannot happen overnight (as much as you had wished that they would). Your body is in fact changing. Your body's muscle mass has been noticeably decreasing. And it appears to be redistributing where expected to hips and butt, and best of all your breasts. Your arm and hand strength is definitely less than it ever was. Your hips are wider and your breast fully fill a B cup sized bra. Your body hair (except face) is much less, and where it does exist is much finer. Your skin overall is smoother and more sensitive. That jumble of confusion and noise in your head has settled down comfortably to a zen-like quiet. Your hormone therapy is doing its work as expected. All of these changes will continue but must take time. Fifty plus years of testosterone "poisoning" cannot be undone quickly. So be patient. It is getting better.
The other thing is not so much an admonishment to yourself. Another pleasant and noticeable change has been your attitude...toward much of everything. Before you had been so impatient and angry at so many things. The smallest of incidents would get you steaming. This has been a really good change. It is difficult to attribute it directly to the hormone therapy or to the wonderful relief of being "out" as yourself. It is most likely a combination of both. The fact is, you have the patience of Job anymore. Sure, some things still occur that annoy you. But you seem to get over the few annoyances so much more easily and quickly. This is a very good change. However, as a side note Sue seems to have gained more impatience. She has become more noticeably more impatient and more angry with life's annoyances. She has been very accepting of my gender identity and transitioning, but I fear having to actually deal with it all may be causing her anger and impatience with life. What an ironic Catch-22. In coming out I had most feared losing Sue. In gaining her acceptance I fear she has lost some of her sweetness and calm. Not a fair trade-off. And I now find myself occasionally admonishing her to be patient.....
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Letter Sent To Friends And Relatives
You have always known me as Michael, Mike. I have wanted to talk to you about this issue for some time so here goes. I am sending this to you because, I've always considered you to be a very dear friend/cousin/aunt or uncle/etc and I do want that you hear this directly from me.
I have had this issue within me ever since I was a kid. A gender issue. For so very long I have felt that I should have been a girl. The name for the way I am is “transgender” or more accurately "transsexual".
From early on this caused immense confusion and uncertainty. Imagine living with a secret that you feel is so shameful and embarrassing and scary that you feel the need to hide it from the world. You cannot talk to anyone, even your closest loved ones about it. That was me. To all the world I was an awkward and shy “guy” while inside I was never sure who I was supposed to be. I remember a few instances when I was younger, but I really started wondering about this and wondering about these feelings when puberty hit ... about 12 or 13. At that time I did not know there was a name for it, I did not know anyone I could ask about it or talk to about it, I thought this was some weird thing just on me, that I was somehow a really strange person. I learned very early to keep these feelings secret, to keep them hidden. Along the way I tried my best to act my allotted part, as a guy.
By my late teens and early adulthood I had become really depressed and angry about it. I never could see that that there could be any kind of a meaningful future for myself. I got involved in drugs and alcohol to more or less numb myself from life, from being different, from being weird. I never consciously considering suicide (which is actually quite common for transgender people). But there were two distinct incidences back then that could have easily ended life for me, directly as a result from the lifestyle I was living.
In my mid twenties fate intervened. Out of the blue what I never expected to happen, did happen. Into my life came Sue. At that time I thought something like that would never happen for me, that I would find someone decent and kind and good, someone that actually wanted to spend time with me. I have no idea what Sue ever saw in me at that time, but we made a real connection. After knowing each other for over a year we married. Back then there was no way I could bring myself to tell her about my gender issue. I began to believe that I was given an opportunity to live a life as expected. As a “guy”. Along the way we had our daughter Christina. Our love has remained and grown.
I thought the gender stuff could be left in the past, something no one need ever know about. I felt that I was able to keep it all behind me. I was able to successfully suppress those feelings for a very long time. The trouble was it never really went away. I did a really good job hiding it from the world and myself. But........
A few years ago it started creeping back. I started thinking about it more and more ..... again. I am deeply ashamed to admit becoming sullen and angry, and taking my frustrations out on those closest to me. I felt (again) that I was stuck this way. It was getting harder again to live this way. I did not get back into drugs but I did start drinking again, daily.
I finally got to a point where I knew something had to be done. By now I knew that I had people who cared about me so I wanted to find some kind of a better way to deal with this. I had never before allowed myself to consider that there might be something I could actually do about it. So over four years ago I began reading about and researching gender issues. Thanks to the internet I was surprised to find that there were in fact many others out there like me, and that there were in fact things I could do about it. I started seeing a therapist around that time. I saw that it just might be possible to change, to live a life more true to the way I feel.
After sharing our lives for over 30 years, and keeping this my own secret somewhat of a crisis point came in our relationship. I finally came out to Sue, which as you might imagine was extremely traumatic. We spent much of that day driving around and talking, and crying. That was four years ago. We have been working ever since then on maintaining our relationship. We are still working on it. But we are at a point where Sue has accepted the way I am and we intend to stay together forever.
Sometime after revealing my true self to Sue I came out to our daughter, my immediate family, and Sue's immediate family. During the past four plus years I have been in therapy and working on what I can do.
Last year I began seeing a doctor who specializes in transgender patients. The local University hospital system has a very good department helping people with gender issues. In August I employed a good lawyer who helped to have my name and gender legally changed. The court granted approval on my petition for a name and gender marker change in October. I came out at work, first to my management team, and then to my Human Resources representative. All were very supportive and very helpful. My management team helped me prepare the news for my coworkers, and my HR representative worked diligently to enact my name and gender change throughout all company records. I came out to my immediate coworkers and the rest of the company at the beginning of October. In all of this I expected to receive some resistance, but the reality has been that I have been extremely fortunate in receiving acceptance and support from everyone.
I began living and working full time as female the third week in October. Please believe that this is not a whim or some phase I am going through. My intent is to forever remain a woman named Mikayla Grace. The thought of doing this has been immensely frightening, but I have been preparing myself for and working on this process for quite some time.
There you have it. Your friend/cousin/nephew is in reality a girl, a woman. I do hope this news hasn't shocked you too much. I do very much value your friendship, and hope you are able to accept me this way.
I would very much welcome any and all questions or concerns you may have.
Sincerely,
Mikayla Grace
I have had this issue within me ever since I was a kid. A gender issue. For so very long I have felt that I should have been a girl. The name for the way I am is “transgender” or more accurately "transsexual".
From early on this caused immense confusion and uncertainty. Imagine living with a secret that you feel is so shameful and embarrassing and scary that you feel the need to hide it from the world. You cannot talk to anyone, even your closest loved ones about it. That was me. To all the world I was an awkward and shy “guy” while inside I was never sure who I was supposed to be. I remember a few instances when I was younger, but I really started wondering about this and wondering about these feelings when puberty hit ... about 12 or 13. At that time I did not know there was a name for it, I did not know anyone I could ask about it or talk to about it, I thought this was some weird thing just on me, that I was somehow a really strange person. I learned very early to keep these feelings secret, to keep them hidden. Along the way I tried my best to act my allotted part, as a guy.
By my late teens and early adulthood I had become really depressed and angry about it. I never could see that that there could be any kind of a meaningful future for myself. I got involved in drugs and alcohol to more or less numb myself from life, from being different, from being weird. I never consciously considering suicide (which is actually quite common for transgender people). But there were two distinct incidences back then that could have easily ended life for me, directly as a result from the lifestyle I was living.
In my mid twenties fate intervened. Out of the blue what I never expected to happen, did happen. Into my life came Sue. At that time I thought something like that would never happen for me, that I would find someone decent and kind and good, someone that actually wanted to spend time with me. I have no idea what Sue ever saw in me at that time, but we made a real connection. After knowing each other for over a year we married. Back then there was no way I could bring myself to tell her about my gender issue. I began to believe that I was given an opportunity to live a life as expected. As a “guy”. Along the way we had our daughter Christina. Our love has remained and grown.
I thought the gender stuff could be left in the past, something no one need ever know about. I felt that I was able to keep it all behind me. I was able to successfully suppress those feelings for a very long time. The trouble was it never really went away. I did a really good job hiding it from the world and myself. But........
A few years ago it started creeping back. I started thinking about it more and more ..... again. I am deeply ashamed to admit becoming sullen and angry, and taking my frustrations out on those closest to me. I felt (again) that I was stuck this way. It was getting harder again to live this way. I did not get back into drugs but I did start drinking again, daily.
I finally got to a point where I knew something had to be done. By now I knew that I had people who cared about me so I wanted to find some kind of a better way to deal with this. I had never before allowed myself to consider that there might be something I could actually do about it. So over four years ago I began reading about and researching gender issues. Thanks to the internet I was surprised to find that there were in fact many others out there like me, and that there were in fact things I could do about it. I started seeing a therapist around that time. I saw that it just might be possible to change, to live a life more true to the way I feel.
After sharing our lives for over 30 years, and keeping this my own secret somewhat of a crisis point came in our relationship. I finally came out to Sue, which as you might imagine was extremely traumatic. We spent much of that day driving around and talking, and crying. That was four years ago. We have been working ever since then on maintaining our relationship. We are still working on it. But we are at a point where Sue has accepted the way I am and we intend to stay together forever.
Sometime after revealing my true self to Sue I came out to our daughter, my immediate family, and Sue's immediate family. During the past four plus years I have been in therapy and working on what I can do.
Last year I began seeing a doctor who specializes in transgender patients. The local University hospital system has a very good department helping people with gender issues. In August I employed a good lawyer who helped to have my name and gender legally changed. The court granted approval on my petition for a name and gender marker change in October. I came out at work, first to my management team, and then to my Human Resources representative. All were very supportive and very helpful. My management team helped me prepare the news for my coworkers, and my HR representative worked diligently to enact my name and gender change throughout all company records. I came out to my immediate coworkers and the rest of the company at the beginning of October. In all of this I expected to receive some resistance, but the reality has been that I have been extremely fortunate in receiving acceptance and support from everyone.
I began living and working full time as female the third week in October. Please believe that this is not a whim or some phase I am going through. My intent is to forever remain a woman named Mikayla Grace. The thought of doing this has been immensely frightening, but I have been preparing myself for and working on this process for quite some time.
There you have it. Your friend/cousin/nephew is in reality a girl, a woman. I do hope this news hasn't shocked you too much. I do very much value your friendship, and hope you are able to accept me this way.
I would very much welcome any and all questions or concerns you may have.
Sincerely,
Mikayla Grace
A Meeting of Gender Nonconforming People and Those Who Share Their Journey
Over the past couple of years Sue & I have attended a few meetings by the local PFLAG group. PFLAG started a bit over 40 years ago as a support organization for "Parents Friends of Lesbian And Gay" people. Today PFLAG is made up of "parents, families, friends, and straight allies united with people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT), PFLAG is committed to advancing equality and societal acceptance of LGBT people through its threefold mission of support, education and advocacy." (That last is taken from their website)
The couple who run the local chapter are great. They really care about doing everything they can to help make our area accepting and understanding of all people. This has really been the only local support group I've found that comes closest to caring about transgender people. These local meetings have usually had a stronger leaning toward the "L" and "G" of LGBT. They do care about including everyone, but in the time Sue & I have been attending there haven't been any other transgender people in attendance. But that is now changing.....
Last week the local PFLAG group opened their monthly meeting an hour and a half early. The topic for this early session was "A Meeting of Gender Nonconforming People and Those Who Share Their Journey", and it was for any gender nonconforming people, school aged or adult. They had the facilitator of a Des Moines transgender support group as a speaker. And the main discussion was on founding a transgender support group in our town. There was one other adult transgender person, one mother whose college age daughter just recently came out to her, and 3 teen aged transgender people, along with the parents of one of them. The Des Moines group meets once a week, plus once every month. The plan for this new local group is to start out meeting the 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month. I think having this as a spin-off of PFLAG is a really great idea, and I hope it can take hold and grow. I only wish there had been something like this in place a few years ago after I first truly came out to myself and Sue.
The couple who run the local chapter are great. They really care about doing everything they can to help make our area accepting and understanding of all people. This has really been the only local support group I've found that comes closest to caring about transgender people. These local meetings have usually had a stronger leaning toward the "L" and "G" of LGBT. They do care about including everyone, but in the time Sue & I have been attending there haven't been any other transgender people in attendance. But that is now changing.....
Last week the local PFLAG group opened their monthly meeting an hour and a half early. The topic for this early session was "A Meeting of Gender Nonconforming People and Those Who Share Their Journey", and it was for any gender nonconforming people, school aged or adult. They had the facilitator of a Des Moines transgender support group as a speaker. And the main discussion was on founding a transgender support group in our town. There was one other adult transgender person, one mother whose college age daughter just recently came out to her, and 3 teen aged transgender people, along with the parents of one of them. The Des Moines group meets once a week, plus once every month. The plan for this new local group is to start out meeting the 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month. I think having this as a spin-off of PFLAG is a really great idea, and I hope it can take hold and grow. I only wish there had been something like this in place a few years ago after I first truly came out to myself and Sue.
Friday, April 18, 2014
My First Journal Entry - 04/19/2010
I began a journal a few months after fully accepting my true self at the beginning of 2010. I had begun therapy. I had come out to S just a week or two earlier. And most of my life I had this small bump, a calcified cyst of some kind on the right front side of my forehead, really not overly large but definitely noticeable. This was my first entry......
********************************************************************************
Okay. So I need to start a journal. What are my thoughts for today? A mixed jumble that's for sure. I had two appointments scheduled back to back. So most of the day I was a useless wreck thinking about them. I always am a useless wreck on therapy day anyway. But my other appointment was to see about finally getting the bump removed from my forehead. Why, Sue asked. Well to be honest, at some point I plan to present myself as a woman. And that bump up there just isn't going to cut it. Ideally I would like to undergo female facial surgery but it's not fair to Sue to take on that expense. It's bad enough thinking about the cost of electrolysis or laser to remove my facial hair.
The appointment for the forehead surgery ran late. It was a good checkup but I was major stressed out for running late. My therapy appointment went okay but for some reason was not totally satisfying. I sure hope I can resolve all the emotional garbage I've picked up so that I can concentrate on my goal - transitioning.
Speaking of which, I wonder if that is why Sue was so upset. She got really quiet last night and I could tell something was bothering her. And she was still upset after work today. Something to do with me and I'm certain it's something to do with my gender issue. Don't know what exactly because she gets quiet and won't talk. Taking a lesson from my old handbook. That was always one of my methods of coping - clam up. Anyway.
My therapist gave me a couple of assignments. Start this journal for one. Reach out to find support further out for another. So I sent an email to a therapist in Des Moines asking if she could identify any support groups in the region - Central and East-central Iowa. We'll see if that leads anywhere. I did receive a very nice, very friendly, rather long email from a Karen in Iowa City, someone else who was born male but identifies as female. That was an upper. I liked receiving this email from Karen and think she could be a friend. Another thing that may take time to develop. I sent her back a long reply. Lastly, I sent an email to the director over an LGBT resource center in Iowa City. She will be moderating a transgender support group meeting in May, so I want to stay in touch with her.
So there you have it for my very first journal entry. A roller coaster of emotion but I'm letting myself be in a good mood to end it. Hope tomorrow is a good day.
********************************************************************************
Okay. So I need to start a journal. What are my thoughts for today? A mixed jumble that's for sure. I had two appointments scheduled back to back. So most of the day I was a useless wreck thinking about them. I always am a useless wreck on therapy day anyway. But my other appointment was to see about finally getting the bump removed from my forehead. Why, Sue asked. Well to be honest, at some point I plan to present myself as a woman. And that bump up there just isn't going to cut it. Ideally I would like to undergo female facial surgery but it's not fair to Sue to take on that expense. It's bad enough thinking about the cost of electrolysis or laser to remove my facial hair.
The appointment for the forehead surgery ran late. It was a good checkup but I was major stressed out for running late. My therapy appointment went okay but for some reason was not totally satisfying. I sure hope I can resolve all the emotional garbage I've picked up so that I can concentrate on my goal - transitioning.
Speaking of which, I wonder if that is why Sue was so upset. She got really quiet last night and I could tell something was bothering her. And she was still upset after work today. Something to do with me and I'm certain it's something to do with my gender issue. Don't know what exactly because she gets quiet and won't talk. Taking a lesson from my old handbook. That was always one of my methods of coping - clam up. Anyway.
My therapist gave me a couple of assignments. Start this journal for one. Reach out to find support further out for another. So I sent an email to a therapist in Des Moines asking if she could identify any support groups in the region - Central and East-central Iowa. We'll see if that leads anywhere. I did receive a very nice, very friendly, rather long email from a Karen in Iowa City, someone else who was born male but identifies as female. That was an upper. I liked receiving this email from Karen and think she could be a friend. Another thing that may take time to develop. I sent her back a long reply. Lastly, I sent an email to the director over an LGBT resource center in Iowa City. She will be moderating a transgender support group meeting in May, so I want to stay in touch with her.
So there you have it for my very first journal entry. A roller coaster of emotion but I'm letting myself be in a good mood to end it. Hope tomorrow is a good day.
Another Sleepless Night
I just woke up at 3:00 AM, after going to sleep about 11:00 last night. I will not be going back to sleep again this night.....I am up for the day.
I don't believe it to be insomnia exactly, but I do have a problem with sleeping. Let me clarify, my problem is not exactly with sleep itself. When I do call it a day I am able to fall asleep fairly easily. And when I sleep, I am totally out .... a very restful, deep sleep. But most nights I have a hard time just getting to bed. Many times I do not feel tired, and even if I do I have a hard time pushing myself to give up another day.
I think the main issue is how I feel regarding the concept of sleep. While I do understand our body's need for it, I just cannot quite get past the fact that the time spent seems to be such a waste. Just imagine all the extra "stuff" we could all do, if we never had to sleep.
Another factor I rarely think about but is still lurking there, is that, once asleep, I fear I may not wake up again. Silly, I know. But it is there. In reality that might not be such a bad thing, there are worse ways to go. However ..... after all the time I've given to this life, after all the really dark crap I pushed through when younger, after stumbling into my true soul mate and spending more than half my life very happily with her, after all this time finally allowing myself to accept who I truly am and begin living legitimately, after all this ..... I would prefer to stick around awhile longer.
Then there is the busy mind thing. Throughout my life I have used a few different tools to numb my mind from thinking. Drugs, alcohol, books ..... yes I said books. Long ago I developed a great ability to really lose myself in a book or a movie, especially fiction. I am able to easily identify with a story's character and place myself there, wherever the story is taking place. Escapism, that is the name of the game. That has always been a good thing, getting away from myself, not dwelling for a time on my life, my situation. I have stayed away from drugs since S came into my life. I have stayed away from alcohol since I fully allowed myself to accept who I am, over four years ago. I still read books and watch movies, I will never shut those out. But my mind is always thinking, always working. And since starting estrogen my mind has been noticeably clearer. There is no other way to describe this since there is no real sound in your mind, but before there always seemed to be a lot of background noise ..... sort of a buzzing, distorted jumble of meaningless thought, sort of like whit noise in the mind. Now that I have been taking estrogen for a while I have noticed that this background noise has truly disappeared. Having a clear and open mind is a good thing but now my thoughts are always on the go, always busy. So ..... there we are. A busy mind does not promote sleep.
Enough rambling already Mikayla. Time to get this day on the road.
I don't believe it to be insomnia exactly, but I do have a problem with sleeping. Let me clarify, my problem is not exactly with sleep itself. When I do call it a day I am able to fall asleep fairly easily. And when I sleep, I am totally out .... a very restful, deep sleep. But most nights I have a hard time just getting to bed. Many times I do not feel tired, and even if I do I have a hard time pushing myself to give up another day.
I think the main issue is how I feel regarding the concept of sleep. While I do understand our body's need for it, I just cannot quite get past the fact that the time spent seems to be such a waste. Just imagine all the extra "stuff" we could all do, if we never had to sleep.
Another factor I rarely think about but is still lurking there, is that, once asleep, I fear I may not wake up again. Silly, I know. But it is there. In reality that might not be such a bad thing, there are worse ways to go. However ..... after all the time I've given to this life, after all the really dark crap I pushed through when younger, after stumbling into my true soul mate and spending more than half my life very happily with her, after all this time finally allowing myself to accept who I truly am and begin living legitimately, after all this ..... I would prefer to stick around awhile longer.
Then there is the busy mind thing. Throughout my life I have used a few different tools to numb my mind from thinking. Drugs, alcohol, books ..... yes I said books. Long ago I developed a great ability to really lose myself in a book or a movie, especially fiction. I am able to easily identify with a story's character and place myself there, wherever the story is taking place. Escapism, that is the name of the game. That has always been a good thing, getting away from myself, not dwelling for a time on my life, my situation. I have stayed away from drugs since S came into my life. I have stayed away from alcohol since I fully allowed myself to accept who I am, over four years ago. I still read books and watch movies, I will never shut those out. But my mind is always thinking, always working. And since starting estrogen my mind has been noticeably clearer. There is no other way to describe this since there is no real sound in your mind, but before there always seemed to be a lot of background noise ..... sort of a buzzing, distorted jumble of meaningless thought, sort of like whit noise in the mind. Now that I have been taking estrogen for a while I have noticed that this background noise has truly disappeared. Having a clear and open mind is a good thing but now my thoughts are always on the go, always busy. So ..... there we are. A busy mind does not promote sleep.
Enough rambling already Mikayla. Time to get this day on the road.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Letter To My Siblings
I truly do understand how difficult it must be for you to think of me as your sister. I really do. You knew me for well over 50 years as a brother, as a guy. Michael, Mike, he, him.......
Sue has been much closer to me most of that time and I know it's still a struggle for her to think of me as a woman. She understands me though and she's getting it.
I began the transition to my true self some time ago. I've been in therapy due to my gender identity issue for over four years now. Last year I sought assistance from a medical doctor specializing in transgender patients, and I began hormone replacement therapy. I successfully petitioned the court to have my name and gender legally changed to Mikayla Grace, a female. I been living 24/7 as a female for about half a year. I've been accepted at work as myself by my coworkers, my managers, and my Human Resource team.
I am hoping you'll let me assert myself a smidgeon, because I do care very much about you and value you greatly as my siblings. I would really, really appreciate if you could try a bit harder to accept me. I am no longer Michael, I will never again be known as a man. Calling me Myka is okay (for now) but my name truly is Mikayla, and I do hope that someday you will know me only by that name. I am female, so referring to me with feminine pronouns is appropriate (and preferred): she, her, hers.....
By the way, I would truly welcome talking with both of you about anything ..... especially about my gender identity, wanting to be your sister, anything about my past, anything about gender disorders .....anything at all.
My intent here is to ask for your caring support and acceptance. I hope & pray you can grant it.
Sue has been much closer to me most of that time and I know it's still a struggle for her to think of me as a woman. She understands me though and she's getting it.
I began the transition to my true self some time ago. I've been in therapy due to my gender identity issue for over four years now. Last year I sought assistance from a medical doctor specializing in transgender patients, and I began hormone replacement therapy. I successfully petitioned the court to have my name and gender legally changed to Mikayla Grace, a female. I been living 24/7 as a female for about half a year. I've been accepted at work as myself by my coworkers, my managers, and my Human Resource team.
I am hoping you'll let me assert myself a smidgeon, because I do care very much about you and value you greatly as my siblings. I would really, really appreciate if you could try a bit harder to accept me. I am no longer Michael, I will never again be known as a man. Calling me Myka is okay (for now) but my name truly is Mikayla, and I do hope that someday you will know me only by that name. I am female, so referring to me with feminine pronouns is appropriate (and preferred): she, her, hers.....
By the way, I would truly welcome talking with both of you about anything ..... especially about my gender identity, wanting to be your sister, anything about my past, anything about gender disorders .....anything at all.
My intent here is to ask for your caring support and acceptance. I hope & pray you can grant it.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Development Of The Dark Ages
I developed an interest in fictional literature at an early age. Especially Science Fiction. Fiction in general was a subject I found very appealing. Imagining different please and/or people I could be. Over time, and for well written stories, I found it quite easy to imagine myself "there", to lose myself and for a short time be in that other place, or be that other person. Already at an early age I was beginning to see a discord in me, a difference, something not quite right. And so many stories depicted places and people that seemed so much better. Still today I find enjoyment in "losing myself" in a well written book, a movie, or even some music. But.....
Also at an early age I developed a feeling of not belonging. The obvious was that I did not feel I belonged to the body I was in. But growing up there were other times I sensed I did not belong. I remember actually wondering for a time whether I was even in the right family. I thought at some point my "real" parents would show up and make things right.
I'm sure the influence of fiction had much to do with my sense that I did not belong to this society, this world. As I got older, a teenager, there were many times I was with a group of people (relatives, classmates, church groups, coworkers, etc) and knew for certain that I wasn't really "one of them". I would imagine that someone would call me out, declare me to be a fake, an impostor, and chase me away. Eventually I began to distance myself from others.
I told myself over and over again that I didn't need people, I didn't need friends. Other people had friends but friendship was something I tried to tune out. Here and there a few people broke through that barrier and I do realize that hey had considered themselves to be friends to me. Hell, I was asked to be best man at two different weddings (what irony that was, always the best man, never the bride!).
No one could ever be allowed to find out who I really was. I had to bury this gender thing within myself, never allow the world a hint of it. My strategy became one of never getting close to anyone, never letting myself be vulnerable. I withdrew into myself, kept to the sidelines, kept my head down, became a nobody.
I didn't like who I was. I didn't like my life. There was no future for me. I was stuck in a hopeless life. And there was nothing I could do about it. Thirty, forty, fifty years ago in the American Midwest I had no knowledge there could be any options for me to change myself. Thanks to my Catholic upbringing suicide could never be a conscious option.
I found ways to numb myself as much and as often as possible. I drifted, I existed, but I wasn't really living.
This is what it was like for me growing up and on into adulthood.
Also at an early age I developed a feeling of not belonging. The obvious was that I did not feel I belonged to the body I was in. But growing up there were other times I sensed I did not belong. I remember actually wondering for a time whether I was even in the right family. I thought at some point my "real" parents would show up and make things right.
I'm sure the influence of fiction had much to do with my sense that I did not belong to this society, this world. As I got older, a teenager, there were many times I was with a group of people (relatives, classmates, church groups, coworkers, etc) and knew for certain that I wasn't really "one of them". I would imagine that someone would call me out, declare me to be a fake, an impostor, and chase me away. Eventually I began to distance myself from others.
I told myself over and over again that I didn't need people, I didn't need friends. Other people had friends but friendship was something I tried to tune out. Here and there a few people broke through that barrier and I do realize that hey had considered themselves to be friends to me. Hell, I was asked to be best man at two different weddings (what irony that was, always the best man, never the bride!).
No one could ever be allowed to find out who I really was. I had to bury this gender thing within myself, never allow the world a hint of it. My strategy became one of never getting close to anyone, never letting myself be vulnerable. I withdrew into myself, kept to the sidelines, kept my head down, became a nobody.
I didn't like who I was. I didn't like my life. There was no future for me. I was stuck in a hopeless life. And there was nothing I could do about it. Thirty, forty, fifty years ago in the American Midwest I had no knowledge there could be any options for me to change myself. Thanks to my Catholic upbringing suicide could never be a conscious option.
I found ways to numb myself as much and as often as possible. I drifted, I existed, but I wasn't really living.
This is what it was like for me growing up and on into adulthood.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Type II Diabetes
I remember the first time this happened around 18 to 20 years ago. I had just finished mowing the lawn one summer day. The place we lived at that time had a larger than average lawn, with a slight hill in the back. I went into the kitchen and was feeling exhausted, somewhat dizzy, light headed, nauseous, and of all things empty. I don't know how to describe the empty feeling. It was not exactly the same as being hungry, but it felt like my body was seriously missing something. What calmed my body down at that time was a lot of Gatorade and cottage cheese.
The next couple of times I similarly exerted myself I experienced the same thing. It was time to visit my doctor. After running a few tests the diagnosis was Type II Diabetes. At that time the only thing I knew about diabetes was that people needed to self medicate with insulin every day using hypodermic needles. Horrors! To my relief I soon learned that Type II Diabetes is a bit different in that insulin injections are not the usual treatment. My doctor prescribed an oral medication and wanted me to start watching my diet, exercise more and lose weight. Oh yeah, at that time I was considerably too far overweight. Anyway, he said Type II Diabetes is usually managed in this way. He also set me up with classes at the local hospital and with a home glucose monitor.
The classes were actually quite helpful. I learned more about what Type II Diabetes is all about, and why diet, exercise and weight loss would be so important. Complex carbohydrates are bad. So it was time to pull myself away from bread and pizza and potato chips and beer. Vegetables are good, and fortunately I actually like vegetables, especially raw vegetables. Since that time I may have consumed a farm's worth of raw broccoli.
The glucose meter is a valuable tool. It is used to monitor glucose levels in your blood at any given point in time. You plug a disposable test strip in the meter, poke your finger with a disposable lancet, have the test strip soak up a drop of blood, then note what the reading you get. The range of "normal" is 70 to 99. My readings at the beginning were in the 200's to 300's. Another measurement taken at the doctor's office is the Hemoglobin A1C level. It is my understanding that this also tests glucose levels but as a measured average of your hemoglobin from the past 30 days or so. The A1C range of "normal is 4.3% to 5.7%. My readings at the beginning were above 9.0.
Over time I lost some weight and got my glucose readings under better control. Never perfect but controlled.
So what does this have to do with being transgendered?
Over the past few years when I began trying to find some way to somehow transition, I began to worry that my Type II Diabetes would prevent the possibility of beginning estrogen. So I did my best to figure out if there was anything I could do.
I tried dieting more, exercising more and losing more weight. I expected my daily glucose readings and my A1C level to improve. However, my numbers were actually getting worse! My daily glucose readings were in the 300's and closing in on the 400's. My A1C was approaching 11.0. How very disheartening!
I had already come out to my doctor a couple of years earlier, so at my annual physical last Spring I had a serious talk with him. He was also concerned with the worsening of my diabetic indicators primarily for health reasons. He said that as we age our bodies continue to lose the ability to produce & process natural insulin. Additionally for those of us with Type II Diabetes, as we age medications begin to lose their effectiveness. He had mentioned the possibility of beginning insulin a couple of times prior to this and suggested that it might be time for me to do so. He was very good in allying my fears, explaining how beneficial it would be to take insulin and how the methods for taking it have changed. At this point I was willing to try anything.
The next appointment I made in May was with a nurse at the local hospital's diabetes center. She went into more detail regarding diet and exercise, as well as more detail regarding how insulin is taken. She said the vials of medication with accompanying hypodermic needles are still available and are actually preferred by many patients (not me!). However, there is a newer delivery method available which yours truly accepted, which is a pen-based delivery system. The insulin comes in a device that looks like a fat ink pen. One dose per day. You attach a small disposable needle on one end, select the dosage by turning a dial on the other end, and inject the dosage into yourself. The disposable needles are ultra small and the momentary "stick" is less painful than the finger prick for a daily glucose test. She started me at a fairly low dosage and explained that we would adjust it depending on its effect.
I kept the diabetes nurse appraised of its effectiveness via email, by sending her my daily blood glucose readings. My glucose numbers began falling. This was great! We gradually increased the dosage to where my glucose numbers were very close to normal, not perfect but much better than before taking insulin.
By late July the diabetes nurse suggested a second medication that replicates a natural hormone our bodies produce called GLP-1. I had never heard of this hormone before. My understanding is that GLP-1 is released into the small intestine when we eat and slows the process of food leaving the stomach. Food is processed more effectively. GLP-1 triggers cells in the pancreas to make natural insulin when your blood sugar is too high. So I read more about this medication and agreed to give it a try. It comes in a pen-based delivery system, just like the insulin.
After taking this additional medication a few weeks my blood glucose numbers were averaging closer to normal than ever before. In August I visited my doctor and we were both surprised to find my A1C had gone down to 8.5%.
By this time I had decided to move forward with transitioning. I had found a doctor at a nearby university hospital who is also a transgender specialist. After noting my health history and much discussion, she prescribed my hormone treatment! This was a such a validating moment for myself, a major milestone in my path toward living an authentic life. By September she had started me on low dosage estrogen patches and low dosage Spironolactone tablets. Since then she has gradually increased both dosages. More on hormones in other postings.
I've continued taking insulin and the GLP-1 replicator. I've just had another check up with my doctor. I knew my glucose readings were very good and I was looking forward to finding out where my A1C level was at. Well dear readers, my A1C was at 5.7%! This is the upper end of the "normal" range. My doctor & I were both surprised. He was very happy for me and I could not stop smiling. My A1C has never been this low for the past 18 to 20 years. My other basic health statistics were also very good: blood pressure, cholesterol, etc.
I have begun to notice gradual changes with my body due to the hormone treatment. But I still don't have as much of a girlish figure as I would like. Not yet. I am still overweight. So. Now that I have my health and diabetes under much better control it is time to get serious about weight loss.
The next couple of times I similarly exerted myself I experienced the same thing. It was time to visit my doctor. After running a few tests the diagnosis was Type II Diabetes. At that time the only thing I knew about diabetes was that people needed to self medicate with insulin every day using hypodermic needles. Horrors! To my relief I soon learned that Type II Diabetes is a bit different in that insulin injections are not the usual treatment. My doctor prescribed an oral medication and wanted me to start watching my diet, exercise more and lose weight. Oh yeah, at that time I was considerably too far overweight. Anyway, he said Type II Diabetes is usually managed in this way. He also set me up with classes at the local hospital and with a home glucose monitor.
The classes were actually quite helpful. I learned more about what Type II Diabetes is all about, and why diet, exercise and weight loss would be so important. Complex carbohydrates are bad. So it was time to pull myself away from bread and pizza and potato chips and beer. Vegetables are good, and fortunately I actually like vegetables, especially raw vegetables. Since that time I may have consumed a farm's worth of raw broccoli.
The glucose meter is a valuable tool. It is used to monitor glucose levels in your blood at any given point in time. You plug a disposable test strip in the meter, poke your finger with a disposable lancet, have the test strip soak up a drop of blood, then note what the reading you get. The range of "normal" is 70 to 99. My readings at the beginning were in the 200's to 300's. Another measurement taken at the doctor's office is the Hemoglobin A1C level. It is my understanding that this also tests glucose levels but as a measured average of your hemoglobin from the past 30 days or so. The A1C range of "normal is 4.3% to 5.7%. My readings at the beginning were above 9.0.
Over time I lost some weight and got my glucose readings under better control. Never perfect but controlled.
So what does this have to do with being transgendered?
Over the past few years when I began trying to find some way to somehow transition, I began to worry that my Type II Diabetes would prevent the possibility of beginning estrogen. So I did my best to figure out if there was anything I could do.
I tried dieting more, exercising more and losing more weight. I expected my daily glucose readings and my A1C level to improve. However, my numbers were actually getting worse! My daily glucose readings were in the 300's and closing in on the 400's. My A1C was approaching 11.0. How very disheartening!
I had already come out to my doctor a couple of years earlier, so at my annual physical last Spring I had a serious talk with him. He was also concerned with the worsening of my diabetic indicators primarily for health reasons. He said that as we age our bodies continue to lose the ability to produce & process natural insulin. Additionally for those of us with Type II Diabetes, as we age medications begin to lose their effectiveness. He had mentioned the possibility of beginning insulin a couple of times prior to this and suggested that it might be time for me to do so. He was very good in allying my fears, explaining how beneficial it would be to take insulin and how the methods for taking it have changed. At this point I was willing to try anything.
The next appointment I made in May was with a nurse at the local hospital's diabetes center. She went into more detail regarding diet and exercise, as well as more detail regarding how insulin is taken. She said the vials of medication with accompanying hypodermic needles are still available and are actually preferred by many patients (not me!). However, there is a newer delivery method available which yours truly accepted, which is a pen-based delivery system. The insulin comes in a device that looks like a fat ink pen. One dose per day. You attach a small disposable needle on one end, select the dosage by turning a dial on the other end, and inject the dosage into yourself. The disposable needles are ultra small and the momentary "stick" is less painful than the finger prick for a daily glucose test. She started me at a fairly low dosage and explained that we would adjust it depending on its effect.
I kept the diabetes nurse appraised of its effectiveness via email, by sending her my daily blood glucose readings. My glucose numbers began falling. This was great! We gradually increased the dosage to where my glucose numbers were very close to normal, not perfect but much better than before taking insulin.
By late July the diabetes nurse suggested a second medication that replicates a natural hormone our bodies produce called GLP-1. I had never heard of this hormone before. My understanding is that GLP-1 is released into the small intestine when we eat and slows the process of food leaving the stomach. Food is processed more effectively. GLP-1 triggers cells in the pancreas to make natural insulin when your blood sugar is too high. So I read more about this medication and agreed to give it a try. It comes in a pen-based delivery system, just like the insulin.
After taking this additional medication a few weeks my blood glucose numbers were averaging closer to normal than ever before. In August I visited my doctor and we were both surprised to find my A1C had gone down to 8.5%.
By this time I had decided to move forward with transitioning. I had found a doctor at a nearby university hospital who is also a transgender specialist. After noting my health history and much discussion, she prescribed my hormone treatment! This was a such a validating moment for myself, a major milestone in my path toward living an authentic life. By September she had started me on low dosage estrogen patches and low dosage Spironolactone tablets. Since then she has gradually increased both dosages. More on hormones in other postings.
I've continued taking insulin and the GLP-1 replicator. I've just had another check up with my doctor. I knew my glucose readings were very good and I was looking forward to finding out where my A1C level was at. Well dear readers, my A1C was at 5.7%! This is the upper end of the "normal" range. My doctor & I were both surprised. He was very happy for me and I could not stop smiling. My A1C has never been this low for the past 18 to 20 years. My other basic health statistics were also very good: blood pressure, cholesterol, etc.
I have begun to notice gradual changes with my body due to the hormone treatment. But I still don't have as much of a girlish figure as I would like. Not yet. I am still overweight. So. Now that I have my health and diabetes under much better control it is time to get serious about weight loss.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Message to Sue
Dear Sue,
When I came out to you more than three and a half years ago I fully expected rejection. During this time you have read and learned so much about gender issues. You know that statistically very few spouses choose to remain in the relationship when their partner comes out as transgender. Yet you choose to go against those statistics. You choose to keep our relationship growing. You have been more accepting and understanding than I ever dreamed possible. You accept me as a woman, and you do not worry what the world might think of that.
I truly believe we've become closer during the past three and a half years than the previous thirty. Although, despite my having kept my gender issue secret all that time we still managed to build a great relationship. I think this has created the solid foundation that has helped to hold us together. We've talked about this and you know that I do believe you to be my true soulmate.
Something I would like to attempt to explain are those moments when you have caught me "zoning out" as you have called it. Most of those instances are when my depression, my darkness finds its way to the surface for a bit (as I talked about in that last blog entry). There is no sane reason why I should have bouts of depression, but I do. I try to tamp it down, to hold it off, but it still gets to me occasionally. And you know me so well that you almost always notice when it occurs.
Most of the time it lasts a relatively brief time, runs its course and then I'm fine. Having it last for a number of days is an exception which I hope to be a rare occurrence.
Just know that when I experience these bouts of darkness I always know that you and your love are there with me. I could have no better rock solid support than that. No amount of depression can last overly long against the strength that is you.
Thank you so very much!
All my love is forever yours.
When I came out to you more than three and a half years ago I fully expected rejection. During this time you have read and learned so much about gender issues. You know that statistically very few spouses choose to remain in the relationship when their partner comes out as transgender. Yet you choose to go against those statistics. You choose to keep our relationship growing. You have been more accepting and understanding than I ever dreamed possible. You accept me as a woman, and you do not worry what the world might think of that.
I truly believe we've become closer during the past three and a half years than the previous thirty. Although, despite my having kept my gender issue secret all that time we still managed to build a great relationship. I think this has created the solid foundation that has helped to hold us together. We've talked about this and you know that I do believe you to be my true soulmate.
Something I would like to attempt to explain are those moments when you have caught me "zoning out" as you have called it. Most of those instances are when my depression, my darkness finds its way to the surface for a bit (as I talked about in that last blog entry). There is no sane reason why I should have bouts of depression, but I do. I try to tamp it down, to hold it off, but it still gets to me occasionally. And you know me so well that you almost always notice when it occurs.
Most of the time it lasts a relatively brief time, runs its course and then I'm fine. Having it last for a number of days is an exception which I hope to be a rare occurrence.
Just know that when I experience these bouts of darkness I always know that you and your love are there with me. I could have no better rock solid support than that. No amount of depression can last overly long against the strength that is you.
Thank you so very much!
All my love is forever yours.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Ahhh ..... The Memories
They say the holidays can be a bad time. They generally haven't been that bad for me in the past. But this year......
It really started around Christmas day and has been hanging around every day since. Sadness, emotion, depression. It could be the hormones but I suspect there's a bit more going on. I keep reflecting on the way it was as a teenager and a young adult.
I did a great job keeping it to myself but I was so very confused and scared and angry and sad and depressed. What a way to live. Feeling so very alone and figuring that it would always be that way. It was the late 60's and early 70's and I was in the heartland of Iowa. Here I was, a girl stuck in a boy body, confused about my gender, confused about my sexuality, but knowing damn well that there was no way I could allow any living person find out about any of this. I didn't believe there could be anybody else like me. I barely understood what being homosexual meant much less know of anyone that felt "different" in this way. There was no one I felt safe enough to talk to about what I felt, not parents, siblings, teachers, classmates ..... not one other person.
I don't know how I ever got through that. Somehow I learned how to live a double life. On the outside I appeared the same as any other awkward and shy guy, but inside I was a messed up girl. I used to say that I never considered suicide but to be honest hat option was always there, lurking in the background. During that time I relied much too heavily on drugs & alcohol to numb myself from the impossible incongruity of who I was. There were three distinct instances during that time that should have resulted with my end, but for whatever reason Fate kept me in the game.
I somehow understood that there were certain things I had to do to if I was to continue existing. I had to have my own place to live, I had to have my own transportation, I had to have some kind of income. So after wasting two years at one of the state colleges, I quit school and got a factory job. Perfect. Semi-mindless work for decent pay, and I had the means to exist. After some time drifting through life that way my soulmate appeared in my life and everything changed. But that will need to be told later. This entry is all about my sadness and depression, my darkness.
Here I am, finally living as fully as possible as the woman I am. I should be joyful & happy, right? I should be ecstatic. I guess part of me is. But my life isn't a perfect bed of lace & roses. As the past few days have shown there is still a bit of darkness hanging like a thundercloud on my soul. Mostly I am able to keep a lid on that darkness but it does find some way to rise up now and then. I've been hoping to find some way to get rid of this negativity, but I'm afraid it might always be a part of me.
I must admit that I do have a decent life and I do realize how fortunate I am to finally be able to live my life the way it is supposed to be. There is no sane or logical reason for it, but it seems that some of the dark will always be near at hand.
It really started around Christmas day and has been hanging around every day since. Sadness, emotion, depression. It could be the hormones but I suspect there's a bit more going on. I keep reflecting on the way it was as a teenager and a young adult.
I did a great job keeping it to myself but I was so very confused and scared and angry and sad and depressed. What a way to live. Feeling so very alone and figuring that it would always be that way. It was the late 60's and early 70's and I was in the heartland of Iowa. Here I was, a girl stuck in a boy body, confused about my gender, confused about my sexuality, but knowing damn well that there was no way I could allow any living person find out about any of this. I didn't believe there could be anybody else like me. I barely understood what being homosexual meant much less know of anyone that felt "different" in this way. There was no one I felt safe enough to talk to about what I felt, not parents, siblings, teachers, classmates ..... not one other person.
I don't know how I ever got through that. Somehow I learned how to live a double life. On the outside I appeared the same as any other awkward and shy guy, but inside I was a messed up girl. I used to say that I never considered suicide but to be honest hat option was always there, lurking in the background. During that time I relied much too heavily on drugs & alcohol to numb myself from the impossible incongruity of who I was. There were three distinct instances during that time that should have resulted with my end, but for whatever reason Fate kept me in the game.
I somehow understood that there were certain things I had to do to if I was to continue existing. I had to have my own place to live, I had to have my own transportation, I had to have some kind of income. So after wasting two years at one of the state colleges, I quit school and got a factory job. Perfect. Semi-mindless work for decent pay, and I had the means to exist. After some time drifting through life that way my soulmate appeared in my life and everything changed. But that will need to be told later. This entry is all about my sadness and depression, my darkness.
Here I am, finally living as fully as possible as the woman I am. I should be joyful & happy, right? I should be ecstatic. I guess part of me is. But my life isn't a perfect bed of lace & roses. As the past few days have shown there is still a bit of darkness hanging like a thundercloud on my soul. Mostly I am able to keep a lid on that darkness but it does find some way to rise up now and then. I've been hoping to find some way to get rid of this negativity, but I'm afraid it might always be a part of me.
I must admit that I do have a decent life and I do realize how fortunate I am to finally be able to live my life the way it is supposed to be. There is no sane or logical reason for it, but it seems that some of the dark will always be near at hand.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)