I began a journal a few months after fully accepting my true self at the beginning of 2010. I had begun therapy. I had come out to S just a week or two earlier. And most of my life I had this small bump, a calcified cyst of some kind on the right front side of my forehead, really not overly large but definitely noticeable. This was my first entry......
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Okay. So I need to start a journal. What are my thoughts for today? A mixed jumble that's for sure. I had two appointments scheduled back to back. So most of the day I was a useless wreck thinking about them. I always am a useless wreck on therapy day anyway. But my other appointment was to see about finally getting the bump removed from my forehead. Why, Sue asked. Well to be honest, at some point I plan to present myself as a woman. And that bump up there just isn't going to cut it. Ideally I would like to undergo female facial surgery but it's not fair to Sue to take on that expense. It's bad enough thinking about the cost of electrolysis or laser to remove my facial hair.
The appointment for the forehead surgery ran late. It was a good checkup but I was major stressed out for running late. My therapy appointment went okay but for some reason was not totally satisfying. I sure hope I can resolve all the emotional garbage I've picked up so that I can concentrate on my goal - transitioning.
Speaking of which, I wonder if that is why Sue was so upset. She got really quiet last night and I could tell something was bothering her. And she was still upset after work today. Something to do with me and I'm certain it's something to do with my gender issue. Don't know what exactly because she gets quiet and won't talk. Taking a lesson from my old handbook. That was always one of my methods of coping - clam up. Anyway.
My therapist gave me a couple of assignments. Start this journal for one. Reach out to find support further out for another. So I sent an email to a therapist in Des Moines asking if she could identify any support groups in the region - Central and East-central Iowa. We'll see if that leads anywhere. I did receive a very nice, very friendly, rather long email from a Karen in Iowa City, someone else who was born male but identifies as female. That was an upper. I liked receiving this email from Karen and think she could be a friend. Another thing that may take time to develop. I sent her back a long reply. Lastly, I sent an email to the director over an LGBT resource center in Iowa City. She will be moderating a transgender support group meeting in May, so I want to stay in touch with her.
So there you have it for my very first journal entry. A roller coaster of emotion but I'm letting myself be in a good mood to end it. Hope tomorrow is a good day.
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