Another Sleepless Night

I just woke up at 3:00 AM, after going to sleep about 11:00 last night.  I will not be going back to sleep again this night.....I am up for the day.

I don't believe it to be insomnia exactly, but I do have a problem with sleeping.  Let me clarify, my problem is not exactly with sleep itself.  When I do call it a day I am able to fall asleep fairly easily.  And when I sleep, I am totally out .... a very restful, deep sleep.  But most nights I have a hard time just getting to bed.  Many times I do not feel tired, and even if I do I have a hard time pushing myself to give up another day.

I think the main issue is how I feel regarding the concept of sleep.  While I do understand our body's need for it, I just cannot quite get past the fact that the time spent seems to be such a waste.  Just imagine all the extra "stuff" we could all do, if we never had to sleep.

Another factor I rarely think about but is still lurking there, is that, once asleep, I fear I may not wake up again.  Silly, I know.  But it is there.  In reality that might not be such a bad thing, there are worse ways to go.  However ..... after all the time I've given to this life, after all the really dark crap I pushed through when younger, after stumbling into my true soul mate and spending more than half my life very happily with her, after all this time finally allowing myself to accept who I truly am and begin living legitimately, after all this ..... I would prefer to stick around awhile longer.

Then there is the busy mind thing.  Throughout my life I have used a few different tools to numb my mind from thinking.  Drugs, alcohol, books ..... yes I said books.  Long ago I developed a great ability to really lose myself in a book or a movie, especially fiction.  I am able to easily identify with a story's character and place myself there, wherever the story is taking place.  Escapism, that is the name of the game.  That has always been a good thing, getting away from myself, not dwelling for a time on my life, my situation.  I have stayed away from drugs since S came into my life.  I have stayed away from alcohol since I fully allowed myself to accept who I am, over four years ago.  I still read books and watch movies, I will never shut those out.  But my mind is always thinking, always working.  And since starting estrogen my mind has been noticeably clearer.  There is no other way to describe this since there is no real sound in your mind, but before there always seemed to be a lot of background noise ..... sort of a buzzing, distorted jumble of meaningless thought, sort of like whit noise in the mind.  Now that I have been taking estrogen for a while I have noticed that this background noise has truly disappeared.  Having a clear and open mind is a good thing but now my thoughts are always on the go, always busy.  So ..... there we are.  A busy mind does not promote sleep.

Enough rambling already Mikayla.  Time to get this day on the road.