Ahhh ..... The Memories

They say the holidays can be a bad time.  They generally haven't been that bad for me in the past.  But this year......

It really started around Christmas day and has been hanging around every day since.  Sadness, emotion, depression.  It could be the hormones but I suspect there's a bit more going on.  I keep reflecting on the way it was as a teenager and a young adult. 

I did a great job keeping it to myself but I was so very confused and scared and angry and sad and depressed.  What a way to live.  Feeling so very alone and figuring that it would always be that way.  It was the late 60's and early 70's and I was in the heartland of Iowa.  Here I was, a girl stuck in a boy body, confused about my gender, confused about my sexuality, but knowing damn well that there was no way I could allow any living person find out about any of this.  I didn't believe there could be anybody else like me.  I barely understood what being homosexual meant much less know of anyone that felt "different" in this way.  There was no one I felt safe enough to talk to about what I felt, not parents, siblings, teachers, classmates ..... not one other person.

I don't know how I ever got through that.  Somehow I learned how to live a double life.  On the outside I appeared the same as any other awkward and shy guy, but inside I was a messed up girl.  I used to say that I never considered suicide but to be honest hat option was always there, lurking in the background.  During that time I relied much too heavily on drugs & alcohol to numb myself from the impossible incongruity of who I was.  There were three distinct instances during that time that should have resulted with my end, but for whatever reason Fate kept me in the game. 

I somehow understood that there were certain things I had to do to if I was to continue existing.  I had to have my own place to live, I had to have my own transportation, I had to have some kind of income.  So after wasting two years at one of the state colleges, I quit school and got a factory job.  Perfect.  Semi-mindless work for decent pay, and I had the means to exist.  After some time drifting through life that way my soulmate appeared in my life and everything changed.  But that will need to be told later.  This entry is all about my sadness and depression, my darkness.

Here I am, finally living as fully as possible as the woman I am.  I should be joyful & happy, right?  I should be ecstatic.  I guess part of me is.  But my life isn't a perfect bed of lace & roses.  As the past few days have shown there is still a bit of darkness hanging like a thundercloud on my soul.  Mostly I am able to keep a lid on that darkness but it does find some way to rise up now and then.  I've been hoping to find some way to get rid of this negativity, but I'm afraid it might always be a part of me.

I must admit that I do have a decent life and I do realize how fortunate I am to finally be able to live my life the way it is supposed to be.  There is no sane or logical reason for it, but it seems that some of the dark will always be near at hand.