The Hallowed Halls of Education

I graduated in high school in May of 1973. Oh yes, I'm that young. To have actually graduated was something of a miracle since during my last year & a half or so in that establishment I made zero effort scholastically. I was at the beginning of being frustrated with and hating the world because of my gender issues which I had no choice but to keep hidden. Also, I was attracted to boys which was something I could never, ever act on way back then. Believe me, it really was a different world.

So. I hated life. I was getting more & more involved with drugs & alcohol as a means to numb my existence. Miraculously, I graduated from high school. I had absolutely no goals, but everyone else was going to college so I applied to UNI. And was accepted! I spent two years there, barely getting by on a minimal class load and getting high way more than attending classes. As that 2nd year drew to a close I was realizing what an incredible waste of time & money I was making. I quit school.

In the interest of surviving this life, and supporting my substance abuse, I got a job in a factory. This allowed me to sustain my recreational lifestyle, as well as to get a car and an apartment. Then, two or so years later, the best miracle happened, Sue came into my life. I still was only attracted only to guys bu by then I had long given up any shred of hope in finding a relationship with anybody. Sue was very different. I found myself attracted to who she was. I found her to be the nicest, most honest, and real person I had ever known. Gradually I got to know her better and was immensely surprised to find myself falling in love with her. I fell in love with her mind, spirit, and soul. I realized that this was someone I wanted to always be with so we married. I gradually stopped my substance abuse after she came into my life but I could not bring myself to telling even her about my gender incongruity.

A few years after we married Sue talked me into returning to college, and I did. I enrolled at Cornell College in Mt. Vernon. They had a very good financial deal offering a much lowered tuition for what they termed returning education students. I found that I now had a much more positive appreciation of school. I did very well there and graduated with a bachelor's degree in Computer Science in 1986.

Fast forward. After over thirty years of marriage I had come out to Sue as transgender. After denying my reality and stuffing it way down all of my life I had reached a point where I could no longer continue living as a guy. Of course this news was a huge shock to Sue. The man she had been married to for more than half her life considered himself to be a woman? But instead of ending our relationship as I expected she wanted to stay together. So instead of rushing headlong into a gender transition I gave her time to process it. I held back on beginning any elements of transitioning for a couple of years.

I began by seeing Dr. Nisly in Iowa City in May 2013 and starting hormone therapy the following August. I very gradually started dressing and presenting as a woman, first at home and the in public. In August 2013 I enlisted the help of a lawyer to have my name legally changed and my gender marker changed to female. By mid October the name and gender change had become legal, I came out to the final place that I needed to, my workplace, and at that point I began living legally 24/7 as Mikayla Grace Rolfes.

You'd think everything would be going great, and it mostly was, but about a year later I started dwelling on my past. A past life that I had missed out on, a past socialization as female that I never had. This led to a period of deep depression and suicidal ideation (including real attempts), a depression that I really didn't get out of until Fall of 2018. During that time I had gone on an extended leave of absence from work, eventually was asked to take an early retirement, and had started Social Security Disability.

Toward the end of 2017 my therapists (yes, multiple) felt that I needed to find ways to "keep busy" in my life. Back while at Cornell. I had developed a real love of school, and since that time I had always joked that if I won the lottery I would become a full time student. So I started thinking that returning to school might be good thing to do. I had this idea of pursuing my now current interest of History, and if things worked out maybe going for a degree, maybe eventually teaching. Lofty goals.

During November & December I applied at Mt. Mercy and Coe College. I was accepted at both but I chose Coe because of its more traditional campus. I signed up for 4 classes, a full-time student. But it was too much and too soon. The mild social anxiety I had always experienced had become much more heightened during my depression. I had difficulty keeping up with the homework and worse than that, spending extended periods in rooms full of people proved to be overwhelming. Apparently, the mild social anxiety I had always experienced had become magnified during my depression. I dropped one class, then another. After a few weeks I realized that just couldn't do it. So I dropped completely out of Coe. I may yet give it another shot, but possibly by taking classes online. I recently applied at the University of Iowa, and was accepted there. That plan is still pending.

I should add that I certainly don't believe education requires a formal piece of paper. Sue never went further than high school and she has more smarts & common sense in her little finger than many who have a PhD. I believe there's as much to learn by actively living as there is to be found in a formal classroom. Learning anything is growth, as well as being part of our purpose here. The how of learning and growing is not as important as just doing it.