Goodbye to the old?

Transgender people are each as different and unique as are all other individual human beings. Each trans person has had their own unique experiences and issues, and all have their own way of dealing with being transgender. In general, after most trans people begin living as or transitioning to the gender that they identify as, they do in fact wish to push their previous, incorrect self behind them in some way. Some absolutely loathe their birth body and name, and more than anything else would like to erase it permanently. Some do have ceremonies or celebrations as they bring their lives closer to their perceived reality. One common example is some sort of ceremony that includes burning a copy of their original birth certificate when they have a legal name change, or after having a life affirming surgery.

After I first began living my life as Mikayla, I wanted nothing to do with references to my past, my incorrect self. I didn't want to see old pictures, didn't want to see my old name, and I didn't wish to be known as a transgender woman. I merely wished to live the rest of my life as the person I had always known myself to be.....a "normal" woman.

Over time that sentiment has mellowed. My past did happen a certain way and cannot be changed. I am in fact a transgender woman and I have come to believe it important to openly live my truth, to be visible. As wonderful as it might have been if I had been born correctly as female, two very important aspects of my life would not have happened. These two things ARE my life. One is having met Sue and having been blessed with our shared life. The other is having the honor to become a father (oh yes, father!) to our beautiful, wonderful daughter, Christina.

So, contrary to what many other trans people might have done, I did not say goodbye to my former body. During the lifetime that I lived with, and thoroughly hated, having male anatomy be a part of me, I don't feel a need to say goodbye to those previous physical pieces.  For me, this surgery doesn't really change who I am. My body now better conforms to my perception of reality, but my ongoing reality, the core part that defines who I am, remains unchanged.

I no longer feel a need to delete or ignore any aspect of my past. It was all a real part of my existence and truly influenced who I am today. Except for the great joy of Sue and Christina I might not ever celebrate any of my former maleness but at the same time it no longer depresses me. And I must admit to an increased happiness with how I now look.