Life With Music

I was listening to some of my favorite music this morning. After a few tunes had come and gone I realized something curious about the music. There have always been certain songs that seemed to speak to me, either simply through the sound or through the lyrics or both. Just a few years ago some of these songs very much stood out, enabling my feelings of futility and hopelessness at that time. The strange thing is that this morning I heard a couple of those same songs but now they resonate with hope and life and goodness.

Music has been part of my life for a very long time. It began when I was 12 or 13 years old and my parents gave me a hand held AM/FM transistor radio. This would have been around 1966 to 1967. By the early 60's and due to the increased prevalence of television, music had begun to dominate AM radio formats. By the mid 60's the number of AM radio stations had exploded and since FM radio offered a better technology than AM more and more stations were beginning to broadcast within the FM band.

So at the time young me acquired an AM/FM radio, broadcast music was really taking hold. I found many listening choices even here in the hinterland of the country, the back sticks of east central Iowa. Music was as much of an enhancement to my auditory sense as pleasant scents were to smell or good flavors were to taste. Music enhanced my moods and my thinking. I developed quite an appreciation for most kinds of music. Over time differing aspects of my life began to influence the type of music I listened to. And of course, since part of my life held a concealed darkness, heavy metal became the musical genre I most listened to. I was drawn to its doom and gloom lyrics and sound, but at the same time I was able to distinguish the craftsmanship put into the better composed pieces, and this greatly added to my appreciation of well composed music.

My love of music never led to an ability to create any of it myself, but while I might not always recognize art when I hear it I know what is good. Today there are very few genres that I turn away from. For me, music is life.

Two Weeks Post-op

Two weeks ago I finally Gender Confirmation Surgery. All of my life a physical part of my body did not belong, an actual birth defect in that, while I am female, this physical thing that was attached to me was actually a piece of male anatomy. How utterly weird is that? I had no choice in the matter. Though wrong, it was simply the body that I had developed. While I never accepted that it was truly part of me I had to use it. There was nothing I could do to change my body. I always loathed this birth defect but the thought of having this surgery was always a mere fantasy. There were no experienced surgeons nearby performing such a thing and the cost was astronomical.

However, within the past few years things have changed. There are more hospitals putting teams in place to offer the full slate of gender related surgeries. And many insurance companies are now covering the cost. Even Medicare and Medicaid. The gender specialist I see in Iowa City informed me almost two years ago that the University of Iowa Hospital was putting such a team together. How perfect would that be! A surgical team less than an hour's drive away! In July 2018 I had an orchiectomy by one of the doctors training for gender surgeries and had a chance to discuss when they might become available. First I was told the Spring of 2019. But it kept getting pushed back until finally the first gender surgeries were to occur in the Fall of 2019. I was ready.

Meanwhile, I learned of a few transgender people who were planning on having their surgeries done at the University of Wisconsin Hospital in Madison. They had a team that had been performing these surgeries for well over a year and had developed a very good reputation. These friends pointed out that they preferred having their surgery done by an experienced team as opposed to acting as guinea pigs for the first surgeries in Iowa City. Then in July 2019 I drove one friend to Madison for her surgery and stayed a week while she had her initial recovery. I had a chance to see the University of Wisconsin Hospital myself and meet the surgeon. I was convinced. I had a consultation with this surgeon regarding my own surgery and the date was set for December 10th, 2019.

That was two weeks and two days ago. The surgery went very well as has the recovery, my having surprisingly little real pain and immobility. Oh sure, there is still quite a bit of swelling and scarring that will require a few weeks of healing time, and a persistent soreness that should also dissipate over time. I am to refrain from sitting straight up, or directly on my bottom for at least 30 days but this is a minor inconvenience. My body is finally as normal as is possible! I am in a very happy place.

Soul Mate? Twin Flame? Who cares, these labels do not matter.

There's a concept out there of something called a "soul mate". Like most other things there are varying descriptions of what this is. From all of these differing descriptions here is what I believe. A soul mate is a person you come across who at once seems totally familiar and who you fell totally comfortable with. A soul mate is someone who has more in common with you, is more like you, than all others. A soul mate is someone who you have shared previous lives with and who you will likely share future lives with. And someone who is the very best to share your current life with.

Another concept exists called a "twin flame". This also has many varying descriptions and all appear to refer to a relationship that is more deep, more spiritual than a soul mate. One description is that a twin flame is a mirror of your soul, may have actually been the other half of your soul. At some point your soul, your spirit split in order to increase energetically spiritual work within the universe. A twin flame is someone you would be connected with in mind and spirit, and that connection will always exist.

I have heard that the the thicker, taller and healthier a tree becomes the more its root system spreads outward. Which leads me to imagine that the root system beneath the Great Redwood Forest must surely encompass half the planet. There is a person in this place and time that I have spent more than half of my existence with. During this time my love for this person has grown every millisecond. This love cannot be seen in any physical sense, cannot be measured by any visible means. But like a healthy, long-lived tree the foundation, the underlying life supporting its existence has grown and strengthened wonderfully. The love I feel for this person is stronger than the deepest root system that could ever support the largest forests on this planet.

I don't know whether or not such things as soul mates or twin flames, or planet-wide root systems actually exist. And truthfully, it doesn't really matter. Because to the deepest core of my being I do know this. If these things do exist, there is only one person in this universe that fits the description of them all for me. That person goes by the name of Susan Kay Rolfes. Sue is someone I am certain has been with me in past lives, who will be with me the rest of this current life, and will be with me again. She is the only one who is able to raise my spiritual energy to higher levels because of the unconditional love we share. Sue is the only body, spirit and soul that has made my life possible. Our emotional and spiritual connection has become so solid and strong that I believe nothing in this place or time could ever diminish it. That's how it has always been, and how it always will be.

I love YOU, Sue!

Goodbye to the old?

Transgender people are each as different and unique as are all other individual human beings. Each trans person has had their own unique experiences and issues, and all have their own way of dealing with being transgender. In general, after most trans people begin living as or transitioning to the gender that they identify as, they do in fact wish to push their previous, incorrect self behind them in some way. Some absolutely loathe their birth body and name, and more than anything else would like to erase it permanently. Some do have ceremonies or celebrations as they bring their lives closer to their perceived reality. One common example is some sort of ceremony that includes burning a copy of their original birth certificate when they have a legal name change, or after having a life affirming surgery.

After I first began living my life as Mikayla, I wanted nothing to do with references to my past, my incorrect self. I didn't want to see old pictures, didn't want to see my old name, and I didn't wish to be known as a transgender woman. I merely wished to live the rest of my life as the person I had always known myself to be.....a "normal" woman.

Over time that sentiment has mellowed. My past did happen a certain way and cannot be changed. I am in fact a transgender woman and I have come to believe it important to openly live my truth, to be visible. As wonderful as it might have been if I had been born correctly as female, two very important aspects of my life would not have happened. These two things ARE my life. One is having met Sue and having been blessed with our shared life. The other is having the honor to become a father (oh yes, father!) to our beautiful, wonderful daughter, Christina.

So, contrary to what many other trans people might have done, I did not say goodbye to my former body. During the lifetime that I lived with, and thoroughly hated, having male anatomy be a part of me, I don't feel a need to say goodbye to those previous physical pieces.  For me, this surgery doesn't really change who I am. My body now better conforms to my perception of reality, but my ongoing reality, the core part that defines who I am, remains unchanged.

I no longer feel a need to delete or ignore any aspect of my past. It was all a real part of my existence and truly influenced who I am today. Except for the great joy of Sue and Christina I might not ever celebrate any of my former maleness but at the same time it no longer depresses me. And I must admit to an increased happiness with how I now look.

I did it!

I did it! After a lifetime of dreaming and fantasizing about having a true female body, after a lifetime of being unable to ignore and do anything about the hated male physiology pieces of me, after knowing this would happen "sometime" but never really sure when that time might be, I have had Gender Confirmation Surgery. The procedure is called a Vaginoplasty and I had this done on December 10th, 2019. A talented and experienced team at the University of Wisconsin Hospital in Madison has taken the male parts of me that I have always loathed and reshaped them into fully female anatomy. This is so indescribably wonderful!

The surgery itself and subsequent recovery in the hospital for a mere three days went surprisingly well. I had expected extreme pain and greatly reduced mobility, but it has been nothing like that. There was a very small amount of pain at first but that has greatly subsided. There has been an ongoing soreness (so far) but that seems to be lessening every day. I must refrain from sitting straight up, or directly on my bottom, for at least 30 days to prevent stitches from being unduly pulled. But I have been able to stand and walk around somewhat freely, and I have in fact been out already a few times to stores and restaurants. My genital area currently has a certain amount of swelling and scarring as expected, and I must go through a few weeks of necessary healing. The UW Hospital medical team has told me that everything "down there" looks very good and that I can expect it all to look and feel completely natural after this recovery time has passed. I do not wish to look at myself yet. I am trying to be patient, to give myself this time to heal. However, it is necessary to feel and touch myself when showering and peeing. So I absolutely know that the hated male anatomy is completely gone and this part of my body is finally (FINALLY!) 100% correct.

I am not experiencing a more pronounced sense of femaleness. This surgery has not changed who I am. My spirit, my soul remains completely the same. However, I do feel a heightened sense of happiness and joy with myself. It's a bit difficult to describe but I feel a kind of completeness that I don't recall ever experiencing before. I also feel more anticipation for my life going forward. Life is good.

The Hallowed Halls of Education

I graduated in high school in May of 1973. Oh yes, I'm that young. To have actually graduated was something of a miracle since during my last year & a half or so in that establishment I made zero effort scholastically. I was at the beginning of being frustrated with and hating the world because of my gender issues which I had no choice but to keep hidden. Also, I was attracted to boys which was something I could never, ever act on way back then. Believe me, it really was a different world.

So. I hated life. I was getting more & more involved with drugs & alcohol as a means to numb my existence. Miraculously, I graduated from high school. I had absolutely no goals, but everyone else was going to college so I applied to UNI. And was accepted! I spent two years there, barely getting by on a minimal class load and getting high way more than attending classes. As that 2nd year drew to a close I was realizing what an incredible waste of time & money I was making. I quit school.

In the interest of surviving this life, and supporting my substance abuse, I got a job in a factory. This allowed me to sustain my recreational lifestyle, as well as to get a car and an apartment. Then, two or so years later, the best miracle happened, Sue came into my life. I still was only attracted only to guys bu by then I had long given up any shred of hope in finding a relationship with anybody. Sue was very different. I found myself attracted to who she was. I found her to be the nicest, most honest, and real person I had ever known. Gradually I got to know her better and was immensely surprised to find myself falling in love with her. I fell in love with her mind, spirit, and soul. I realized that this was someone I wanted to always be with so we married. I gradually stopped my substance abuse after she came into my life but I could not bring myself to telling even her about my gender incongruity.

A few years after we married Sue talked me into returning to college, and I did. I enrolled at Cornell College in Mt. Vernon. They had a very good financial deal offering a much lowered tuition for what they termed returning education students. I found that I now had a much more positive appreciation of school. I did very well there and graduated with a bachelor's degree in Computer Science in 1986.

Fast forward. After over thirty years of marriage I had come out to Sue as transgender. After denying my reality and stuffing it way down all of my life I had reached a point where I could no longer continue living as a guy. Of course this news was a huge shock to Sue. The man she had been married to for more than half her life considered himself to be a woman? But instead of ending our relationship as I expected she wanted to stay together. So instead of rushing headlong into a gender transition I gave her time to process it. I held back on beginning any elements of transitioning for a couple of years.

I began by seeing Dr. Nisly in Iowa City in May 2013 and starting hormone therapy the following August. I very gradually started dressing and presenting as a woman, first at home and the in public. In August 2013 I enlisted the help of a lawyer to have my name legally changed and my gender marker changed to female. By mid October the name and gender change had become legal, I came out to the final place that I needed to, my workplace, and at that point I began living legally 24/7 as Mikayla Grace Rolfes.

You'd think everything would be going great, and it mostly was, but about a year later I started dwelling on my past. A past life that I had missed out on, a past socialization as female that I never had. This led to a period of deep depression and suicidal ideation (including real attempts), a depression that I really didn't get out of until Fall of 2018. During that time I had gone on an extended leave of absence from work, eventually was asked to take an early retirement, and had started Social Security Disability.

Toward the end of 2017 my therapists (yes, multiple) felt that I needed to find ways to "keep busy" in my life. Back while at Cornell. I had developed a real love of school, and since that time I had always joked that if I won the lottery I would become a full time student. So I started thinking that returning to school might be good thing to do. I had this idea of pursuing my now current interest of History, and if things worked out maybe going for a degree, maybe eventually teaching. Lofty goals.

During November & December I applied at Mt. Mercy and Coe College. I was accepted at both but I chose Coe because of its more traditional campus. I signed up for 4 classes, a full-time student. But it was too much and too soon. The mild social anxiety I had always experienced had become much more heightened during my depression. I had difficulty keeping up with the homework and worse than that, spending extended periods in rooms full of people proved to be overwhelming. Apparently, the mild social anxiety I had always experienced had become magnified during my depression. I dropped one class, then another. After a few weeks I realized that just couldn't do it. So I dropped completely out of Coe. I may yet give it another shot, but possibly by taking classes online. I recently applied at the University of Iowa, and was accepted there. That plan is still pending.

I should add that I certainly don't believe education requires a formal piece of paper. Sue never went further than high school and she has more smarts & common sense in her little finger than many who have a PhD. I believe there's as much to learn by actively living as there is to be found in a formal classroom. Learning anything is growth, as well as being part of our purpose here. The how of learning and growing is not as important as just doing it.

Let's talk about Gender

It is factual truth that regardless of the body you inhabit, you have a gender identity and a sexual orientation. It is also a fact that these things begin forming while you are still in the womb.

Gender identity and sexual orientation are NOT the same. Both can easily take pages and books of discussion, so today I am going to mainly talk about gender. I fully realize that some of you know this stuff so you may be excused to return to your Fortnite marathon or Netflix & Disney+ bingeing.

Gender is how your mind/soul/spirit identifies. Many of you give no thought to gender identity. People are male or female. You are one or the other and have been perfectly happy with that situation for as long as you could breath. You might not have ever considered there to be any other self-identity than male or female, and that has been okay because for the longest time society has existed this way. It's referred to as the gender binary. In the past, society has not allowed for recognition of any other way to be. People were expected to exist within one box or the other. However, today we recognize that gender identification is more of a spectrum. Most people identify at one end or the other, male or female. Yet there are many who fall somewhere in between. Maybe not so strongly male, or strongly female. Maybe a bit of both male or female. Maybe directly in the middle of the spectrum, identifying as both male and female, or neither (non-binary or gender questioning). Humanity is rich this way. Please believe that there are as many people in this world that do not identify as distinctly male or female, as those who do. Me? I have always considered myself to be distinctly female, thank you very much.

(If those in the know are still around, please add any relevant comments that might better enhance or explain this discussion.)

There also exists this thing called transgender. Simply, when one is born into this world, the gender that the mind/soul/spirit identifies as does NOT match the physical body that one was born with. By the way, this is me. The truth is that existing this way can be very difficult. Most transgender people fear having this truth become known. They are afraid of being seen as a freak and/or shunned. Too often a trans person is rejected by friends or family, or loses their job or financial stability (if it even first existed). It's true that there are still far too many instances of discrimination, hate, homelessness, and abuse of all kinds towards anyone who is transgender. There are still far too many places where transgender people are not safe. I dearly hope that we might be getting to a tipping point where all that negativity begins to wane. Also, living with this kind of physical body/gender identity mismatch can and is a mental minefield. Society does seem to be reaching a point where many more transgender people are feeling free enough to accept who they are and share their authenticity publicly, and there are more resources available for dealing with being transgender. For those who are transgender, living as authentically as possible often does require medical intervention such as cross-hormonal therapy, mental therapy, surgeries and other things that often become very expensive. Insurance companies have begun covering some of this but we still have far to go. Acceptance is often all that we ask for.

Comments or questions are very much welcomed on this post.

The Blogging Mindset

When I started this blog I had the best of intentions. I wanted to share my feelings and my life. Especially after fully accepting my transgender nature. Sadly, I was a slacker. I could attribute it to being a lifetime member of The Procrastinators Club. But I think it might be partly due to not really believing anyone would be interested, or maybe that people might find these ramblings and see the real me. Lately I have also wondered if subconsciously I have kept a piece of me on hold. Before accepting myself as transgender my existence was partly within a long lasting fog. Since beginning my path to authenticity that fog has mostly lifted. However, there has always been this thing that always seemed to be blocking any full and true happiness with life. A part of me that has existed since I was born and was quite physically wrong. You cannot hide or ignore physical aspects of your body and this one thing has certainly been no exception. Every waking day of my life I have been confronted with this hateful piece of maleness, this physical thing that never belonged on me. This thing that should have never, ever been. In less than four days this atrocious physical aspect of myself is going to be removed, and shaped into that which I should have been born with. My excitement is through the roof to finally have this happen. The happiness and joy I am feeling is indescribable and I suspect this may only astronomically increase following my surgery on Tuesday.

So, it might be interesting to see what becomes of this blog I started a few years ago. There have been good postings as well as fairly dark ones. I have purposely left it all intact. Good or bad, positive or not, wouldn't it be nice to see more regular entries appear here?