Losing It - Part xxx (Always)

I damn near lost it at work yesterday afternoon.  The feeling of despair kept growing all
day and by mid-afternoon I was ready to start crying.  I knew if that started the
uncontrollable sobbing would be right behind.  Now that would have made a nice scene at
work.  I walked away from my desk for a bit, took an anxiety pill and fought back the
tears.  When I returned to my work I was still having trouble focusing so I took another
half of an anxiety pill.  To explain this anxiety medication, it is fairly strong and I
usually take only half a tablet at a time.  By the last half hour of work I was settled down
but right at 5:00 I bolted out of there.  The anxiety medication did its trick but as I
said it is powerful.  By the time Sue got home I was relaxed to the max.  I am sure Sue was
a bit worried so I did try to explain what was going on.  But I do not believe anyone
except my therapist really understands the full extent of my depression.  I ended up
crawling my butt to bed early, and slept the whole night through.  I am merely trying to
document this incident.  I have no words of wisdom (as if) to add to what happened this
time.

Continuum

I am finding that this has become more difficult than I expected.  This thing called
living.  I have come to the point where every day I think about the gender issue.  How I
have had to spend life as a man, even though I felt I should have been a woman.  I have
been living as a woman for a while now but is it really enough?  Added to this is a daily
consideration of whether it is worth going forward.  Now that I had seriously planned on
ending this thing called living, despite having put that action aside, a part of me still
wonders if I should just follow through.  It gets to be an overwhelming thought process
most days.  Burying myself in work or a book or a show helps temporarily but the underlying
crap never goes away. 

What the heck am I supposed to do now?

Reboot?

Hello life. 

I am still breathing. 

I did not follow through with my plan. 

I stayed my hand. 

I have backed away from the edge.

I spent much time reflecting on the meaning of it all during the extra time I gave myself
leading up to Sunday.  I am going to give my life another chance.  All the crap is still
there and there may not be anything I can do to fix the past or present.  Somewhere this
stray thought kept bouncing around that maybe I could try harder to change the future. 
There is some sort of law in physics about things following the path of least resistance. 
That is the path I was allowing myself to slide down on.  I know that backing away from the
edge will not be easy.  I will need to find different ways to do things, find different
paths to take.  It will take a lot of work.

Final countdown

Only one direction has been pulling strongly.  It has been dominating my thoughts for months.  I considered every alternative I could and kept coming back to the only solution.  I planned as best I could, the means and the aftermath.  The earliest date would be be the weekend of January 16 through 18.  I took the last three workdays off, hoping to use that time to get my affairs in some kind of order.  I was ready.

Damn it all to hell, ever since I was old enough to really know the difference, I knew I was supposed to be a girl.  I missed out on way too much of life's experiences, the experiences I should have had, in having to grow up and live as the wrong gender.  Experiences and living that I can never have, never regain.  It is very difficult to see things getting any better by going further in trying to claim my rightful gender.  I have been drawn to committing the ultimate selfish act.

But I keep coming back to the thought of this one bright light that has kept me going during most of my life.  Someone who has stood with me as I am, whether living as a false man or as a wannabe woman.  I worried about the effect my action would have on Sue.  And Christina.  My true family.  Their love for me has really been unconditional, and my love for them has been the same. 

I had planned to end my life on Sunday January 18th.  I had finally gathered everything I needed and had pinpointed the time and place.  I had finished writing goodbye letters to everyone in my life who matters.  All that was left was waiting and reflecting.

The Choice

Going over the edge would be so very easy.  Just too darn easy really.  It would be simple to just give up.  Going on, trying to find something in myself to keep going, some possible  way to get to a place I truly belong all seems so very hard.  Even though our world continues to get meaner and angrier and more selfish, I know there are still good people out there, some that even care about me.  More than I care about myself.  Crap!  What am I supposed to do?

Hitting the Edge

It's like a movie where the main character is out in the wilderness trying to find her way to the place she belongs.  She can see the place way over on the far side of the valley.  There is no other way to get there except by placing one foot in front of the other and moving forward.  It has been taking quite some time.  She has endured a number of various conflicts along the way, and has encountered numerous people, some who have been friendly & helpful.  But she is driven to move forward thinking that the other side of that valley is where she truly belongs.  After slipping down a steep forested slope she comes to the edge of a cliff.  The valley is spread out in front of her....but seemingly 1000 feet straight down.  There is no way to get down that cliff.  She has come to a dead stop in her journey and she feels there is nothing more she can do.  She sits down right on the edge to think.  Her journey has taken up so much of her life and she is so very tired of traveling.  She seriously considers falling forward a bit and ending it all.  It would be so easy.  She also remembers with fondness some of the people she had met, the ones who had been so very nice and encouraging and helpful.  She could pull herself away from the edge, go back up to rebuild her life a bit differently.  Death?  Or give life another chance?

Like a moth to a flame

"Moth" by Chad Gray
Lyrics slightly modified by Mikayla

I've chosen to stay sequestered,
Alone but tightly wound.
Internally beaten, locked up and bound.
Never felt fully human, I had a soul that was torn.
Unlike all others, fully different since the day I was born.
The wounds that I wear are the crown upon a king.
So heavy they lie, with all the pain that they bring.
My life is full of longing, for what I'll always know.
I've been drawn in to the fire as I reap what I sow.

Like a moth to a flame, my wings burn away,
When things are too beautiful, I smash them to pieces,
The more that you love me insecurity releases,
And I'll be the one that's to blame,
So I'll sell my soul to blaze
Like a moth to a flame.
(like a moth to a flame)

The ruler of the kingdom that ends up the pawn,
So tired of thinking of where it all went wrong,
Friendships never started, no beginning, no end,
Wouldn't dream in a million years that this could be one of them.
Faith in a life, belief it must end,
Failure's not an option, but no options exist,
I gave up my everything, I give till I bleed,
Take it all, take everything just take it from me.

Like a moth to a flame, my wings burn away,
When things are too beautiful, I smash them to pieces,
The more that you love me insecurity releases,
And I'll be the one that's to blame,
So I'll set my soul to blaze.

You're pushing me, I'm pushing back,
Falling down my heart attacks,
Compassion is lost,
No more hope, no more trust,
I tore it down and burnt it up,
All faith is gone.
Respect, devotion,
Dead,
Disgust, hate,
Lies
I'm not a hero, or a villain,
Not a god, guy or woman,
Staring through the hourglass,
At the footprints in the sand,
I'm stripping off my armor,
My battles here are done,
Wave my white flag to surrender and fly into the sun.

Like a moth to a flame, my wings burn away,
When things are too beautiful, I smash them to pieces,
The more that you love me insecurity releases,
And I'll be the one that's to blame,
So I'll set my soul to blaze.
Like a moth to a flame.
Moth to a flame