Christmas Season 2013

Christmas 2013 has come and gone.  My first Christmas being completely myself, Mikayla.

The first get together with relatives wasn't actually associated with Christmas, but it did take place a couple of weeks before December 25th.  I have an aunt who celebrated her 100th birthday.  She needs help to get by so she is living in a care facility but still has her feisty moments.  Her children (my cousins) planned a birthday celebration inviting many of the relatives, but my aunt appeared to be put off by the crowd of people.  I suspect she would have preferred something smaller, and quieter. 

I had talked to the older cousin prior to this celebration, formally coming out to her and letting her know that if I attended I would be there as Mikayla, no longer as a guy.  I gave her the option of letting me skip this get together not wanting to be a focus of attention.  She accepted the fact of my transition and welcomed me to attend.  I ran into a group of cousins I rarely see, perhaps once a year, or at the usual funerals & weddings (and grand birthday celebrations).  I had not formally come out to them hoping that news of my transition might find its way to them by word of mouth.  So I didn't know if they "knew".  This group of cousins did treat me civilly and respectfully, although they kept calling me Mike.  I expect this type of treatment for the short term for people who have known me for any length of time as a guy.  I do understand that it will take other people time to get used to this change.  I felt that they wondered about the "new me" but they did not ask any questions about it.  I am considering sending them a formal coming out letter now that Christmas is over.

The next get-together was the big one, on Christmas day with father, siblings and their families.  It was the 2nd Christmas without my mother and the 1st without my youngest brother, both having passed away.  It was the 1st Christmas spent fully as Mikayla.  The day went quite well.  I felt that everyone treated me similarly to how they have in the past and I did notice that most were really trying to get my name and pronouns right.  I still find it amazing how well my father has accepted my change from being a son to being a daughter.  Especially after his and my mother's initial negative reaction when I first came out to them three & a half years earlier.  I did find it difficult to socialize fully with everyone.  I have always found it hard to socialize with others but now that I am presenting the real me I hope to overcome my fear of being amongst a group of people.

The last Christmas get together occurred yesterday with Sue's siblings & their families.  We met at a very nice family restaurant.  I first came out to Sue's immediate family shortly after doing the same with my own immediate family, about three & a half years ago.  But this was only the third or fourth time they have spent time with me as Mikayla.  The dinner went quite well and I did find everyone to be completely accepting and friendly toward me.

I realize that it will take some time for others to become naturally comfortable with me as a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and even as a spouse.  I didn't exactly expect this but it appears it may take some time for myself to become completely comfortable around others.  While I feel much better about myself since transitioning I still do have difficulty in the company of other people.  My strategy (if you want to call it that) at work has been to act and work and go about as myself without hesitation or fear of any negative reaction.  I must do the same with relatives and close acquaintances.  As others see that I am completely at ease being Mikayla and treat me with kindness and respect, I must assume that the last bits of uncertainty I may have will disappear.

About this site

Let me take a moment to explain a bit about this site.

My hope is that at some point people out there in the world will stumble across this blog and read what I have to say.  So if that is you ..... thank you.

As much as I'd like to believe in magic, as much as I'm a dreamer, I do believe that I have a fairly good sense of reality.  Perhaps some people who come across this blog have had some experience with gender dysphoria and gender issues.  Or perhaps you know of someone in your circle who is transgender..  However, the far greater majority of the world's populace doesn't know that transgender people even exist. Or if they know they don't believe transgender is a real thing.  I do hope that people might eventually find this blog..

If my discussion seems too basic or too graphic, I apologize.

Please, have a nice day!

Two things still bothersome

1.  Living in a male body.  Every waking moment I'm aware of this inconsistency.  My internal self image, my sense of being, my soul tells me that I am female.  But the physical body this awareness resides in has lived so long as male.  For most of my life I didn't believe there was any way to change this inconsistency.  I don't believe there is a way to change my fundamental sense of self.  But I have finally learned of ways to change my physical being.  And I've started working on some of those.  It's not easy and it won't happen overnight but I have begun the path to fix what has been wrong.  The worst though is the constant reminder of my gender incongruity.  A penis.  Such a thing never did belong on me, yet it is always there.  There are ways to correct this and some day I might be able to do so (if only it weren't so darn expensive).

2.  Sleep.  This has been a thorn in my side for quite some time.  I hate having to sleep.  Even when going through my darkest period (late teens and early twenties) I remember despising the need to sleep.  I do realize that our bodies need sleep for all sorts of reasons but I hate the thought of wasting almost a third of my life.  Despite knowing that my body needs to sleep I often find myself delaying bedtime.  And I will often wake earlier than planned.  I almost never get the recommended eight hours and I do occasionally worry that my health might suffer but I usually do okay with my five to six hours per night.  I am not aware of any way to change this fact of life, this troublesome thing called sleep. 

The Next To My Best Friend

A funny thing happened on Thanksgiving.  I reconnected with a friend I've had since childhood.  We were close friends growing up and through high school, but we hadn't talked for over 30 years.  When we were a bit more than 20 years old he even asked me to be his best man (definitely some irony there, no?) .  He moved out of state and over the years we lost touch.  We called or emailed more and more infrequently.  It had been years since I had last talked with him.

I sent him a coming out email about a month ago, fearful of his response but wanting to finally be open.  He never responded to that email so I assumed the worst, that he was rejecting me as a woman.

Then on the night before Thanksgiving he called.  He was in town for a few weeks.  He agreed to meet on Thanksgiving day after families had time to celebrate, since he knew my whole family and they knew him.  My own Thanksgiving day was spent at my father's house with all the family.  My friend stopped by the house around mid-afternoon and it was as if the friendship had never waned.  We talked extensively, discussing events from his life as well as my transition.  He was genuinely interested about my gender issue, not understanding but wanting to.  And he filled me in on some very personal aspects of his recent life.

He asked more questions than anyone else so far, except for Sue, and I mentioned this to him.  He pointed out that despite the lengthy period of non-communication we have a solid foundation of friendship.  It was very easy to be completely open to each other.

Throughout my life I haven't let anyone get close to me, except for my sweetheart.  I've always felt myself to be an outsider, whether it be family or coworkers or any other group of people.  With the exception of my gender secret, I had let my wife get closer to me than anyone else in this world.  I have considered her to be my very best friend from day one, and since coming out to her our "soul mate" friendship and love has only grown.  Before my wife came into my life I had always considered my childhood friend to be my best friend.  I'd like to think of him that way, but can you have two best friends?  Maybe, maybe not.  If not he has got to be my next best friend.

By late evening it was time to leave but we agreed to meet again soon.  I've spent too much of my life alone inside (you who are transgendered know what I mean).  Since coming out I've found a missed treasure.  Close friendship.

Grateful for the Memories

The Transgender Day of Remembrance was a week ago yesterday.  I wanted to post something that day but at the time I came up empty.  So ..... what is that day about?  Do I even know those people?  Why should I care?

Well I've thought quite a bit about those people, not just a week ago yesterday but many times before and since.  It is true that I do not personally know any of the people who have been hated and persecuted and brutalized and killed.  But I do know a bit about what they were like.  They merely wanted to spend their time in this world as themselves.  Nothing fake, nothing hidden.  They just wanted to live a normal life, just as everyone else wants to do.  Sometime during their lives they gathered enough courage to end the big secret, and live true.  And this did take quite a bit of courage because all of us have heard the stories of hatred and persecution and discrimination.  Courage to me means facing head on, all by your lonesome, a boatload of crap and abuse to just do the right thing. 

It took me so very long to find enough courage to say enough already with my own façade.  I've opened myself up to the world, making it known to all who I really am.  And I've been very fortunate.  So far I've only experienced acceptance.  It is very likely that all the abuse others suffered before me has paved the way for my own journey.  But I still worry, living openly in my preferred gender, living openly as transgender, I still worry.  How can I not?  There are still way too many people like me out there who, after finding a bit of courage to come out to the world, experience hate and prejudice.

The human race still has a long road toward maturity, to get to a place where people stop being afraid of and hating anyone who is different.

So on this Thanksgiving Day, I am very thankful for all those who went ahead of me on this journey.  And I will choose to hope that my fellow humans will someday grow up.

All that is gold does not glitter.....

I believe in magic.  To clarify, I do know that true magic doesn't exist in our world but I like to believe in the possibility of magic.  My favorite story will always be The Hobbit and Lord of The Rings trilogy.  J.R.R. Tolkien created a world where magic does exist.  A place full of diverse races (elves, dwarves, hobbits), wizards, extreme good & evil.  The world that Tolkien created has a complete history & background, and he richly described the places, the people, the politics.  An amazing story of people who will sacrifice themselves for the sake of others no matter the personal cost.  If you've never experienced this story, and can open your mind to the possibility of magic, please take the time to read all four books in sequence.  The Peter Jackson movies are good, but reading the story is by far more richly rewarding.

My favorite verse from this epic goes like this:

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
          by J.R.R. Tolkien from The Fellowship of the Ring

I like to believe in the possibility of magic.  As a teenager, for the longest time I dreamt, I prayed, I wished so hard that when I awoke in the morning some sort of magic would have happened, changing my body to that of a girl.  As I grew older I began to understand that this was not going to happen.  As much as I wished this, and realizing I was stuck the way I was, I eventually became so very angry, then depressed.  I turned my back on life, on the possibility of there being any kind of future for me.  I was too much of a coward to commit suicide at that time, so I did the next best thing.  I buried myself in alcohol and drugs, numbing myself to just get each day over with.

After wasting too many of the early years of my life that way, my soulmate came into my life.  Suffice it to say my attitude toward life changed, because unexpectedly it became very Shakespearean for me "..... what light through yonder window breaks?"

The feeling behind the Tolkien poem shown above has lately rung very true for me, especially that first line.  At this stage of my life I am an older woman, a senior citizen.  I do know I will never be as pretty and beautiful as the women on TV and in the movies.  I will always be a plain Jane, but I can live with that.  Because I do know exactly who I truly am.

Transition + 33

I'm just wrapping up my 4th week living fully as myself. 

After reading of others' experiences with transitioning, I did expect to encounter some discrimination, some negativity, some resistance.  But other than a couple of past acquaintances who either didn't think much of what I was doing or just didn't respond at all to my announcement, everything has been going very smoothly.  My HR department and management team at work have been 100% accepting & supportive, as have my coworkers.  My immediate family has also been accepting & supportive.  Even my father, which was a very pleasant surprise. 

I have my name changed almost everywhere now.  The name & gender change has finally been completed on my insurance (too bad they don't cover GRS...yet).  There are a couple of places I still need to have it revised, like my voter registration.  The HRT is progressing satisfactorily, the doctor who is my transgender specialist has increased the dosage twice now.

You know, I probably wouldn't be at this point without the love & support of my sweetheart, my soul mate, my wife who I've been with for over 35 years.  I had kept my gender issue secret from everyone, even her, up until just over three years ago.  For some months before I finally came out to her I had been acting like a full-time asshole to everyone.  Due to my abhorrent behavior, and not knowing this secret I had kept hidden, she was ready to leave me, ready for a divorce.  But we've been working together to keep our relationship intact ever since.  She has been wonderful. 

This is still a work in progress but it's unbelievably joyful being able to finally be my true self.

Transition - 1

Hello world.  My name is Mikayla.  I am calling tomorrow day 1 of my transition to living and working fully as the woman that I truly am.  It has been 75 days since I officially started hormone replacement therapy.  It has been 6 days since a judge approved and signed my petition for a name and gender marker change.  But it is tomorrow that I will appear at work for the first time as myself, as Mikayla Grace.  It has taken me a long time to get this far, so beginning tomorrow I will no longer spend any part of my life as a man.

.....and how is your day?