Dear Sue,
When I came out to you more than three and a half years ago I fully expected rejection. During this time you have read and learned so much about gender issues. You know that statistically very few spouses choose to remain in the relationship when their partner comes out as transgender. Yet you choose to go against those statistics. You choose to keep our relationship growing. You have been more accepting and understanding than I ever dreamed possible. You accept me as a woman, and you do not worry what the world might think of that.
I truly believe we've become closer during the past three and a half years than the previous thirty. Although, despite my having kept my gender issue secret all that time we still managed to build a great relationship. I think this has created the solid foundation that has helped to hold us together. We've talked about this and you know that I do believe you to be my true soulmate.
Something I would like to attempt to explain are those moments when you have caught me "zoning out" as you have called it. Most of those instances are when my depression, my darkness finds its way to the surface for a bit (as I talked about in that last blog entry). There is no sane reason why I should have bouts of depression, but I do. I try to tamp it down, to hold it off, but it still gets to me occasionally. And you know me so well that you almost always notice when it occurs.
Most of the time it lasts a relatively brief time, runs its course and then I'm fine. Having it last for a number of days is an exception which I hope to be a rare occurrence.
Just know that when I experience these bouts of darkness I always know that you and your love are there with me. I could have no better rock solid support than that. No amount of depression can last overly long against the strength that is you.
Thank you so very much!
All my love is forever yours.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Ahhh ..... The Memories
They say the holidays can be a bad time. They generally haven't been that bad for me in the past. But this year......
It really started around Christmas day and has been hanging around every day since. Sadness, emotion, depression. It could be the hormones but I suspect there's a bit more going on. I keep reflecting on the way it was as a teenager and a young adult.
I did a great job keeping it to myself but I was so very confused and scared and angry and sad and depressed. What a way to live. Feeling so very alone and figuring that it would always be that way. It was the late 60's and early 70's and I was in the heartland of Iowa. Here I was, a girl stuck in a boy body, confused about my gender, confused about my sexuality, but knowing damn well that there was no way I could allow any living person find out about any of this. I didn't believe there could be anybody else like me. I barely understood what being homosexual meant much less know of anyone that felt "different" in this way. There was no one I felt safe enough to talk to about what I felt, not parents, siblings, teachers, classmates ..... not one other person.
I don't know how I ever got through that. Somehow I learned how to live a double life. On the outside I appeared the same as any other awkward and shy guy, but inside I was a messed up girl. I used to say that I never considered suicide but to be honest hat option was always there, lurking in the background. During that time I relied much too heavily on drugs & alcohol to numb myself from the impossible incongruity of who I was. There were three distinct instances during that time that should have resulted with my end, but for whatever reason Fate kept me in the game.
I somehow understood that there were certain things I had to do to if I was to continue existing. I had to have my own place to live, I had to have my own transportation, I had to have some kind of income. So after wasting two years at one of the state colleges, I quit school and got a factory job. Perfect. Semi-mindless work for decent pay, and I had the means to exist. After some time drifting through life that way my soulmate appeared in my life and everything changed. But that will need to be told later. This entry is all about my sadness and depression, my darkness.
Here I am, finally living as fully as possible as the woman I am. I should be joyful & happy, right? I should be ecstatic. I guess part of me is. But my life isn't a perfect bed of lace & roses. As the past few days have shown there is still a bit of darkness hanging like a thundercloud on my soul. Mostly I am able to keep a lid on that darkness but it does find some way to rise up now and then. I've been hoping to find some way to get rid of this negativity, but I'm afraid it might always be a part of me.
I must admit that I do have a decent life and I do realize how fortunate I am to finally be able to live my life the way it is supposed to be. There is no sane or logical reason for it, but it seems that some of the dark will always be near at hand.
It really started around Christmas day and has been hanging around every day since. Sadness, emotion, depression. It could be the hormones but I suspect there's a bit more going on. I keep reflecting on the way it was as a teenager and a young adult.
I did a great job keeping it to myself but I was so very confused and scared and angry and sad and depressed. What a way to live. Feeling so very alone and figuring that it would always be that way. It was the late 60's and early 70's and I was in the heartland of Iowa. Here I was, a girl stuck in a boy body, confused about my gender, confused about my sexuality, but knowing damn well that there was no way I could allow any living person find out about any of this. I didn't believe there could be anybody else like me. I barely understood what being homosexual meant much less know of anyone that felt "different" in this way. There was no one I felt safe enough to talk to about what I felt, not parents, siblings, teachers, classmates ..... not one other person.
I don't know how I ever got through that. Somehow I learned how to live a double life. On the outside I appeared the same as any other awkward and shy guy, but inside I was a messed up girl. I used to say that I never considered suicide but to be honest hat option was always there, lurking in the background. During that time I relied much too heavily on drugs & alcohol to numb myself from the impossible incongruity of who I was. There were three distinct instances during that time that should have resulted with my end, but for whatever reason Fate kept me in the game.
I somehow understood that there were certain things I had to do to if I was to continue existing. I had to have my own place to live, I had to have my own transportation, I had to have some kind of income. So after wasting two years at one of the state colleges, I quit school and got a factory job. Perfect. Semi-mindless work for decent pay, and I had the means to exist. After some time drifting through life that way my soulmate appeared in my life and everything changed. But that will need to be told later. This entry is all about my sadness and depression, my darkness.
Here I am, finally living as fully as possible as the woman I am. I should be joyful & happy, right? I should be ecstatic. I guess part of me is. But my life isn't a perfect bed of lace & roses. As the past few days have shown there is still a bit of darkness hanging like a thundercloud on my soul. Mostly I am able to keep a lid on that darkness but it does find some way to rise up now and then. I've been hoping to find some way to get rid of this negativity, but I'm afraid it might always be a part of me.
I must admit that I do have a decent life and I do realize how fortunate I am to finally be able to live my life the way it is supposed to be. There is no sane or logical reason for it, but it seems that some of the dark will always be near at hand.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Christmas Season 2013
Christmas 2013 has come and gone. My first Christmas being completely myself, Mikayla.
The first get together with relatives wasn't actually associated with Christmas, but it did take place a couple of weeks before December 25th. I have an aunt who celebrated her 100th birthday. She needs help to get by so she is living in a care facility but still has her feisty moments. Her children (my cousins) planned a birthday celebration inviting many of the relatives, but my aunt appeared to be put off by the crowd of people. I suspect she would have preferred something smaller, and quieter.
I had talked to the older cousin prior to this celebration, formally coming out to her and letting her know that if I attended I would be there as Mikayla, no longer as a guy. I gave her the option of letting me skip this get together not wanting to be a focus of attention. She accepted the fact of my transition and welcomed me to attend. I ran into a group of cousins I rarely see, perhaps once a year, or at the usual funerals & weddings (and grand birthday celebrations). I had not formally come out to them hoping that news of my transition might find its way to them by word of mouth. So I didn't know if they "knew". This group of cousins did treat me civilly and respectfully, although they kept calling me Mike. I expect this type of treatment for the short term for people who have known me for any length of time as a guy. I do understand that it will take other people time to get used to this change. I felt that they wondered about the "new me" but they did not ask any questions about it. I am considering sending them a formal coming out letter now that Christmas is over.
The next get-together was the big one, on Christmas day with father, siblings and their families. It was the 2nd Christmas without my mother and the 1st without my youngest brother, both having passed away. It was the 1st Christmas spent fully as Mikayla. The day went quite well. I felt that everyone treated me similarly to how they have in the past and I did notice that most were really trying to get my name and pronouns right. I still find it amazing how well my father has accepted my change from being a son to being a daughter. Especially after his and my mother's initial negative reaction when I first came out to them three & a half years earlier. I did find it difficult to socialize fully with everyone. I have always found it hard to socialize with others but now that I am presenting the real me I hope to overcome my fear of being amongst a group of people.
The last Christmas get together occurred yesterday with Sue's siblings & their families. We met at a very nice family restaurant. I first came out to Sue's immediate family shortly after doing the same with my own immediate family, about three & a half years ago. But this was only the third or fourth time they have spent time with me as Mikayla. The dinner went quite well and I did find everyone to be completely accepting and friendly toward me.
I realize that it will take some time for others to become naturally comfortable with me as a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and even as a spouse. I didn't exactly expect this but it appears it may take some time for myself to become completely comfortable around others. While I feel much better about myself since transitioning I still do have difficulty in the company of other people. My strategy (if you want to call it that) at work has been to act and work and go about as myself without hesitation or fear of any negative reaction. I must do the same with relatives and close acquaintances. As others see that I am completely at ease being Mikayla and treat me with kindness and respect, I must assume that the last bits of uncertainty I may have will disappear.
The first get together with relatives wasn't actually associated with Christmas, but it did take place a couple of weeks before December 25th. I have an aunt who celebrated her 100th birthday. She needs help to get by so she is living in a care facility but still has her feisty moments. Her children (my cousins) planned a birthday celebration inviting many of the relatives, but my aunt appeared to be put off by the crowd of people. I suspect she would have preferred something smaller, and quieter.
I had talked to the older cousin prior to this celebration, formally coming out to her and letting her know that if I attended I would be there as Mikayla, no longer as a guy. I gave her the option of letting me skip this get together not wanting to be a focus of attention. She accepted the fact of my transition and welcomed me to attend. I ran into a group of cousins I rarely see, perhaps once a year, or at the usual funerals & weddings (and grand birthday celebrations). I had not formally come out to them hoping that news of my transition might find its way to them by word of mouth. So I didn't know if they "knew". This group of cousins did treat me civilly and respectfully, although they kept calling me Mike. I expect this type of treatment for the short term for people who have known me for any length of time as a guy. I do understand that it will take other people time to get used to this change. I felt that they wondered about the "new me" but they did not ask any questions about it. I am considering sending them a formal coming out letter now that Christmas is over.
The next get-together was the big one, on Christmas day with father, siblings and their families. It was the 2nd Christmas without my mother and the 1st without my youngest brother, both having passed away. It was the 1st Christmas spent fully as Mikayla. The day went quite well. I felt that everyone treated me similarly to how they have in the past and I did notice that most were really trying to get my name and pronouns right. I still find it amazing how well my father has accepted my change from being a son to being a daughter. Especially after his and my mother's initial negative reaction when I first came out to them three & a half years earlier. I did find it difficult to socialize fully with everyone. I have always found it hard to socialize with others but now that I am presenting the real me I hope to overcome my fear of being amongst a group of people.
The last Christmas get together occurred yesterday with Sue's siblings & their families. We met at a very nice family restaurant. I first came out to Sue's immediate family shortly after doing the same with my own immediate family, about three & a half years ago. But this was only the third or fourth time they have spent time with me as Mikayla. The dinner went quite well and I did find everyone to be completely accepting and friendly toward me.
I realize that it will take some time for others to become naturally comfortable with me as a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and even as a spouse. I didn't exactly expect this but it appears it may take some time for myself to become completely comfortable around others. While I feel much better about myself since transitioning I still do have difficulty in the company of other people. My strategy (if you want to call it that) at work has been to act and work and go about as myself without hesitation or fear of any negative reaction. I must do the same with relatives and close acquaintances. As others see that I am completely at ease being Mikayla and treat me with kindness and respect, I must assume that the last bits of uncertainty I may have will disappear.
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