This Is The End

There had been much more that I wanted to say.  I suppose wallowing in my self pity and grief ate up all of my time.  And now the time has come to say my final goodbye.

The last few days and hours have been somewhat surreal.  I haven't felt that I could share the extent of my depression with anyone, not even with Sue.  So outwardly, for all the world, it has been business as usual.  While internally I have been a train wreck.

My only regret in ending my life is the disruption & turmoil I will be causing to everyone close to me.  But I cannot put this off any longer.  I do not feel afraid of doing this.  I do not feel afraid about what may happen next.  The goal is to put an end to this confusing craziness.

Goodbye everyone.

Not a Fantasy, Another Truth Revealed

I will say this only once. 

The truth is that sex actually is part of it all. 

I will never experience sex the way I'm supposed to, as a woman.

That's a pain point.

Black Hole

What is tough is knowing, really knowing that there are people that do care about you and love you.  How can I still feel so alone and hopeless while surrounded by so much love?  Why do I feel such sadness all the time? 

What is tough is knowing that there are others out there going through gender struggles too.  They all might have different situations, might be at different places on their journey, and many have a rougher path than mine.

Depression can be so insidious and relentless.  There seems to be no reason for its existence.  But it is there nonetheless.  Deep and dark and constant.  A black hole I cannot find a way out of.

I feel tremendous guilt for being so selfish.  But the anguish and sorrow continuously follow me around.  So strange, but I am no longer afraid.

Return to the Edge?

She returned to spend time with the friends she had made earlier.  They are very kind and accepting, and welcome her to stay with them.  She finds it to be a good enough life.  However, she never feels to be completely part of their tribe.  There remains a part of her that knows without question that she is different, that she belongs in that other place.  Despite having found a good life she struggles to be happy.  She continuously feels drawn to her true home while knowing that she can never make her way there.  Eventually she leaves her adopted tribe and sets out on her own again.  She wanders aimlessly, and then finds herself back at the edge.  At this point she cannot go back, she cannot go forward.  She feels stuck, and extremely sad.  She falls to the ground at the edge, sobbing uncontrollably.

Clothes don't make the woman or man

What you put on, on the outside, will not define who you are on the inside.  Clothes, along with your attitude and general presentation, may help society identify your gender.  But what truly defines your gender is inside.  It is your personality, your mind, your soul.  The sooner you begin to present your true soul to society the better off you will be in the long run. 

I spent a whole life suppressing my true self, keeping it internal, while maintaining a false costume, a false personhood to the world for decades.  The male hormones stewing inside of me slowly changed my body the wrong way, made my body a thing of loathing.  The psychological impact of denying my true self and spending my life pretending to be a man has deeply scarred my mind.  I have physical aspects of a male that I will likely never be able to erase.  I have a lifetime of socializing as a man that has been deeply ingrained onto my personality.  I have lost a lifetime of experiences, emotions and feelings, I have lost a lifetime of living as my correct gender.
 
I have come to believe that the better course of action for anyone who is transgender has got to be finding a way to come out to the world, and finding a way to transition to your correct gender as early in your life as possible.  It may be much too late for me.