I began a journal a few months after fully accepting my true self at the beginning of 2010. I had begun therapy. I had come out to S just a week or two earlier. And most of my life I had this small bump, a calcified cyst of some kind on the right front side of my forehead, really not overly large but definitely noticeable. This was my first entry......
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Okay. So I need to start a journal. What are my thoughts for today? A mixed jumble that's for sure. I had two appointments scheduled back to back. So most of the day I was a useless wreck thinking about them. I always am a useless wreck on therapy day anyway. But my other appointment was to see about finally getting the bump removed from my forehead. Why, Sue asked. Well to be honest, at some point I plan to present myself as a woman. And that bump up there just isn't going to cut it. Ideally I would like to undergo female facial surgery but it's not fair to Sue to take on that expense. It's bad enough thinking about the cost of electrolysis or laser to remove my facial hair.
The appointment for the forehead surgery ran late. It was a good checkup but I was major stressed out for running late. My therapy appointment went okay but for some reason was not totally satisfying. I sure hope I can resolve all the emotional garbage I've picked up so that I can concentrate on my goal - transitioning.
Speaking of which, I wonder if that is why Sue was so upset. She got really quiet last night and I could tell something was bothering her. And she was still upset after work today. Something to do with me and I'm certain it's something to do with my gender issue. Don't know what exactly because she gets quiet and won't talk. Taking a lesson from my old handbook. That was always one of my methods of coping - clam up. Anyway.
My therapist gave me a couple of assignments. Start this journal for one. Reach out to find support further out for another. So I sent an email to a therapist in Des Moines asking if she could identify any support groups in the region - Central and East-central Iowa. We'll see if that leads anywhere. I did receive a very nice, very friendly, rather long email from a Karen in Iowa City, someone else who was born male but identifies as female. That was an upper. I liked receiving this email from Karen and think she could be a friend. Another thing that may take time to develop. I sent her back a long reply. Lastly, I sent an email to the director over an LGBT resource center in Iowa City. She will be moderating a transgender support group meeting in May, so I want to stay in touch with her.
So there you have it for my very first journal entry. A roller coaster of emotion but I'm letting myself be in a good mood to end it. Hope tomorrow is a good day.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Another Sleepless Night
I just woke up at 3:00 AM, after going to sleep about 11:00 last night. I will not be going back to sleep again this night.....I am up for the day.
I don't believe it to be insomnia exactly, but I do have a problem with sleeping. Let me clarify, my problem is not exactly with sleep itself. When I do call it a day I am able to fall asleep fairly easily. And when I sleep, I am totally out .... a very restful, deep sleep. But most nights I have a hard time just getting to bed. Many times I do not feel tired, and even if I do I have a hard time pushing myself to give up another day.
I think the main issue is how I feel regarding the concept of sleep. While I do understand our body's need for it, I just cannot quite get past the fact that the time spent seems to be such a waste. Just imagine all the extra "stuff" we could all do, if we never had to sleep.
Another factor I rarely think about but is still lurking there, is that, once asleep, I fear I may not wake up again. Silly, I know. But it is there. In reality that might not be such a bad thing, there are worse ways to go. However ..... after all the time I've given to this life, after all the really dark crap I pushed through when younger, after stumbling into my true soul mate and spending more than half my life very happily with her, after all this time finally allowing myself to accept who I truly am and begin living legitimately, after all this ..... I would prefer to stick around awhile longer.
Then there is the busy mind thing. Throughout my life I have used a few different tools to numb my mind from thinking. Drugs, alcohol, books ..... yes I said books. Long ago I developed a great ability to really lose myself in a book or a movie, especially fiction. I am able to easily identify with a story's character and place myself there, wherever the story is taking place. Escapism, that is the name of the game. That has always been a good thing, getting away from myself, not dwelling for a time on my life, my situation. I have stayed away from drugs since S came into my life. I have stayed away from alcohol since I fully allowed myself to accept who I am, over four years ago. I still read books and watch movies, I will never shut those out. But my mind is always thinking, always working. And since starting estrogen my mind has been noticeably clearer. There is no other way to describe this since there is no real sound in your mind, but before there always seemed to be a lot of background noise ..... sort of a buzzing, distorted jumble of meaningless thought, sort of like whit noise in the mind. Now that I have been taking estrogen for a while I have noticed that this background noise has truly disappeared. Having a clear and open mind is a good thing but now my thoughts are always on the go, always busy. So ..... there we are. A busy mind does not promote sleep.
Enough rambling already Mikayla. Time to get this day on the road.
I don't believe it to be insomnia exactly, but I do have a problem with sleeping. Let me clarify, my problem is not exactly with sleep itself. When I do call it a day I am able to fall asleep fairly easily. And when I sleep, I am totally out .... a very restful, deep sleep. But most nights I have a hard time just getting to bed. Many times I do not feel tired, and even if I do I have a hard time pushing myself to give up another day.
I think the main issue is how I feel regarding the concept of sleep. While I do understand our body's need for it, I just cannot quite get past the fact that the time spent seems to be such a waste. Just imagine all the extra "stuff" we could all do, if we never had to sleep.
Another factor I rarely think about but is still lurking there, is that, once asleep, I fear I may not wake up again. Silly, I know. But it is there. In reality that might not be such a bad thing, there are worse ways to go. However ..... after all the time I've given to this life, after all the really dark crap I pushed through when younger, after stumbling into my true soul mate and spending more than half my life very happily with her, after all this time finally allowing myself to accept who I truly am and begin living legitimately, after all this ..... I would prefer to stick around awhile longer.
Then there is the busy mind thing. Throughout my life I have used a few different tools to numb my mind from thinking. Drugs, alcohol, books ..... yes I said books. Long ago I developed a great ability to really lose myself in a book or a movie, especially fiction. I am able to easily identify with a story's character and place myself there, wherever the story is taking place. Escapism, that is the name of the game. That has always been a good thing, getting away from myself, not dwelling for a time on my life, my situation. I have stayed away from drugs since S came into my life. I have stayed away from alcohol since I fully allowed myself to accept who I am, over four years ago. I still read books and watch movies, I will never shut those out. But my mind is always thinking, always working. And since starting estrogen my mind has been noticeably clearer. There is no other way to describe this since there is no real sound in your mind, but before there always seemed to be a lot of background noise ..... sort of a buzzing, distorted jumble of meaningless thought, sort of like whit noise in the mind. Now that I have been taking estrogen for a while I have noticed that this background noise has truly disappeared. Having a clear and open mind is a good thing but now my thoughts are always on the go, always busy. So ..... there we are. A busy mind does not promote sleep.
Enough rambling already Mikayla. Time to get this day on the road.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Letter To My Siblings
I truly do understand how difficult it must be for you to think of me as your sister. I really do. You knew me for well over 50 years as a brother, as a guy. Michael, Mike, he, him.......
Sue has been much closer to me most of that time and I know it's still a struggle for her to think of me as a woman. She understands me though and she's getting it.
I began the transition to my true self some time ago. I've been in therapy due to my gender identity issue for over four years now. Last year I sought assistance from a medical doctor specializing in transgender patients, and I began hormone replacement therapy. I successfully petitioned the court to have my name and gender legally changed to Mikayla Grace, a female. I been living 24/7 as a female for about half a year. I've been accepted at work as myself by my coworkers, my managers, and my Human Resource team.
I am hoping you'll let me assert myself a smidgeon, because I do care very much about you and value you greatly as my siblings. I would really, really appreciate if you could try a bit harder to accept me. I am no longer Michael, I will never again be known as a man. Calling me Myka is okay (for now) but my name truly is Mikayla, and I do hope that someday you will know me only by that name. I am female, so referring to me with feminine pronouns is appropriate (and preferred): she, her, hers.....
By the way, I would truly welcome talking with both of you about anything ..... especially about my gender identity, wanting to be your sister, anything about my past, anything about gender disorders .....anything at all.
My intent here is to ask for your caring support and acceptance. I hope & pray you can grant it.
Sue has been much closer to me most of that time and I know it's still a struggle for her to think of me as a woman. She understands me though and she's getting it.
I began the transition to my true self some time ago. I've been in therapy due to my gender identity issue for over four years now. Last year I sought assistance from a medical doctor specializing in transgender patients, and I began hormone replacement therapy. I successfully petitioned the court to have my name and gender legally changed to Mikayla Grace, a female. I been living 24/7 as a female for about half a year. I've been accepted at work as myself by my coworkers, my managers, and my Human Resource team.
I am hoping you'll let me assert myself a smidgeon, because I do care very much about you and value you greatly as my siblings. I would really, really appreciate if you could try a bit harder to accept me. I am no longer Michael, I will never again be known as a man. Calling me Myka is okay (for now) but my name truly is Mikayla, and I do hope that someday you will know me only by that name. I am female, so referring to me with feminine pronouns is appropriate (and preferred): she, her, hers.....
By the way, I would truly welcome talking with both of you about anything ..... especially about my gender identity, wanting to be your sister, anything about my past, anything about gender disorders .....anything at all.
My intent here is to ask for your caring support and acceptance. I hope & pray you can grant it.
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