Christmas Season 2013

Christmas 2013 has come and gone.  My first Christmas being completely myself, Mikayla.

The first get together with relatives wasn't actually associated with Christmas, but it did take place a couple of weeks before December 25th.  I have an aunt who celebrated her 100th birthday.  She needs help to get by so she is living in a care facility but still has her feisty moments.  Her children (my cousins) planned a birthday celebration inviting many of the relatives, but my aunt appeared to be put off by the crowd of people.  I suspect she would have preferred something smaller, and quieter. 

I had talked to the older cousin prior to this celebration, formally coming out to her and letting her know that if I attended I would be there as Mikayla, no longer as a guy.  I gave her the option of letting me skip this get together not wanting to be a focus of attention.  She accepted the fact of my transition and welcomed me to attend.  I ran into a group of cousins I rarely see, perhaps once a year, or at the usual funerals & weddings (and grand birthday celebrations).  I had not formally come out to them hoping that news of my transition might find its way to them by word of mouth.  So I didn't know if they "knew".  This group of cousins did treat me civilly and respectfully, although they kept calling me Mike.  I expect this type of treatment for the short term for people who have known me for any length of time as a guy.  I do understand that it will take other people time to get used to this change.  I felt that they wondered about the "new me" but they did not ask any questions about it.  I am considering sending them a formal coming out letter now that Christmas is over.

The next get-together was the big one, on Christmas day with father, siblings and their families.  It was the 2nd Christmas without my mother and the 1st without my youngest brother, both having passed away.  It was the 1st Christmas spent fully as Mikayla.  The day went quite well.  I felt that everyone treated me similarly to how they have in the past and I did notice that most were really trying to get my name and pronouns right.  I still find it amazing how well my father has accepted my change from being a son to being a daughter.  Especially after his and my mother's initial negative reaction when I first came out to them three & a half years earlier.  I did find it difficult to socialize fully with everyone.  I have always found it hard to socialize with others but now that I am presenting the real me I hope to overcome my fear of being amongst a group of people.

The last Christmas get together occurred yesterday with Sue's siblings & their families.  We met at a very nice family restaurant.  I first came out to Sue's immediate family shortly after doing the same with my own immediate family, about three & a half years ago.  But this was only the third or fourth time they have spent time with me as Mikayla.  The dinner went quite well and I did find everyone to be completely accepting and friendly toward me.

I realize that it will take some time for others to become naturally comfortable with me as a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and even as a spouse.  I didn't exactly expect this but it appears it may take some time for myself to become completely comfortable around others.  While I feel much better about myself since transitioning I still do have difficulty in the company of other people.  My strategy (if you want to call it that) at work has been to act and work and go about as myself without hesitation or fear of any negative reaction.  I must do the same with relatives and close acquaintances.  As others see that I am completely at ease being Mikayla and treat me with kindness and respect, I must assume that the last bits of uncertainty I may have will disappear.

About this site

Let me take a moment to explain a bit about this site.

My hope is that at some point people out there in the world will stumble across this blog and read what I have to say.  So if that is you ..... thank you.

As much as I'd like to believe in magic, as much as I'm a dreamer, I do believe that I have a fairly good sense of reality.  Perhaps some people who come across this blog have had some experience with gender dysphoria and gender issues.  Or perhaps you know of someone in your circle who is transgender..  However, the far greater majority of the world's populace doesn't know that transgender people even exist. Or if they know they don't believe transgender is a real thing.  I do hope that people might eventually find this blog..

If my discussion seems too basic or too graphic, I apologize.

Please, have a nice day!

Two things still bothersome

1.  Living in a male body.  Every waking moment I'm aware of this inconsistency.  My internal self image, my sense of being, my soul tells me that I am female.  But the physical body this awareness resides in has lived so long as male.  For most of my life I didn't believe there was any way to change this inconsistency.  I don't believe there is a way to change my fundamental sense of self.  But I have finally learned of ways to change my physical being.  And I've started working on some of those.  It's not easy and it won't happen overnight but I have begun the path to fix what has been wrong.  The worst though is the constant reminder of my gender incongruity.  A penis.  Such a thing never did belong on me, yet it is always there.  There are ways to correct this and some day I might be able to do so (if only it weren't so darn expensive).

2.  Sleep.  This has been a thorn in my side for quite some time.  I hate having to sleep.  Even when going through my darkest period (late teens and early twenties) I remember despising the need to sleep.  I do realize that our bodies need sleep for all sorts of reasons but I hate the thought of wasting almost a third of my life.  Despite knowing that my body needs to sleep I often find myself delaying bedtime.  And I will often wake earlier than planned.  I almost never get the recommended eight hours and I do occasionally worry that my health might suffer but I usually do okay with my five to six hours per night.  I am not aware of any way to change this fact of life, this troublesome thing called sleep. 

The Next To My Best Friend

A funny thing happened on Thanksgiving.  I reconnected with a friend I've had since childhood.  We were close friends growing up and through high school, but we hadn't talked for over 30 years.  When we were a bit more than 20 years old he even asked me to be his best man (definitely some irony there, no?) .  He moved out of state and over the years we lost touch.  We called or emailed more and more infrequently.  It had been years since I had last talked with him.

I sent him a coming out email about a month ago, fearful of his response but wanting to finally be open.  He never responded to that email so I assumed the worst, that he was rejecting me as a woman.

Then on the night before Thanksgiving he called.  He was in town for a few weeks.  He agreed to meet on Thanksgiving day after families had time to celebrate, since he knew my whole family and they knew him.  My own Thanksgiving day was spent at my father's house with all the family.  My friend stopped by the house around mid-afternoon and it was as if the friendship had never waned.  We talked extensively, discussing events from his life as well as my transition.  He was genuinely interested about my gender issue, not understanding but wanting to.  And he filled me in on some very personal aspects of his recent life.

He asked more questions than anyone else so far, except for Sue, and I mentioned this to him.  He pointed out that despite the lengthy period of non-communication we have a solid foundation of friendship.  It was very easy to be completely open to each other.

Throughout my life I haven't let anyone get close to me, except for my sweetheart.  I've always felt myself to be an outsider, whether it be family or coworkers or any other group of people.  With the exception of my gender secret, I had let my wife get closer to me than anyone else in this world.  I have considered her to be my very best friend from day one, and since coming out to her our "soul mate" friendship and love has only grown.  Before my wife came into my life I had always considered my childhood friend to be my best friend.  I'd like to think of him that way, but can you have two best friends?  Maybe, maybe not.  If not he has got to be my next best friend.

By late evening it was time to leave but we agreed to meet again soon.  I've spent too much of my life alone inside (you who are transgendered know what I mean).  Since coming out I've found a missed treasure.  Close friendship.