This Is The End

There had been much more that I wanted to say.  I suppose wallowing in my self pity and grief ate up all of my time.  And now the time has come to say my final goodbye.

The last few days and hours have been somewhat surreal.  I haven't felt that I could share the extent of my depression with anyone, not even with Sue.  So outwardly, for all the world, it has been business as usual.  While internally I have been a train wreck.

My only regret in ending my life is the disruption & turmoil I will be causing to everyone close to me.  But I cannot put this off any longer.  I do not feel afraid of doing this.  I do not feel afraid about what may happen next.  The goal is to put an end to this confusing craziness.

Goodbye everyone.

Not a Fantasy, Another Truth Revealed

I will say this only once. 

The truth is that sex actually is part of it all. 

I will never experience sex the way I'm supposed to, as a woman.

That's a pain point.

Black Hole

What is tough is knowing, really knowing that there are people that do care about you and love you.  How can I still feel so alone and hopeless while surrounded by so much love?  Why do I feel such sadness all the time? 

What is tough is knowing that there are others out there going through gender struggles too.  They all might have different situations, might be at different places on their journey, and many have a rougher path than mine.

Depression can be so insidious and relentless.  There seems to be no reason for its existence.  But it is there nonetheless.  Deep and dark and constant.  A black hole I cannot find a way out of.

I feel tremendous guilt for being so selfish.  But the anguish and sorrow continuously follow me around.  So strange, but I am no longer afraid.