It is a rare and exceptional person who is willing and able to share a transition with their spouse.
But.....
Statistically, the odds are very much against us. The greater majority of spouses cannot or will not continue a relationship with a transitioning spouse. Especially if the marriage has gone on any length of time without the spouse being aware of the gender conflict their partner is experiencing. No blame should be placed on either partner. The transgender individual almost always reaches the point where it absolutely necessary to transition to a life living as their preferred gender, and once begun that person will be happier with their life. However, it is not what the non-transitioning spouse ever expected, and can seriously detract from that person's happiness. The happiness & well being scale generally will tip upwards for the transgender individual but downwards for the spouse.
I learned recently that a dear friend and her spouse are separating. My friend struggled for so very long to avoid transitioning mostly to hold on to her relationship. And the wife tried for a long time to make a go of their relationship even after my friend began transitioning. But the wife found she could no longer cope with a same sex partner.
That's what it comes down to, transitioning for both people from a heterosexual partnership to a same sex partnership.
Anyone transgender person transitioning toward their preferred gender is often told they are so brave & courageous. I beg to argue that for any transgender person it is ultimately a matter of necessity more than bravery. In many ways coming out to everyone in the world and transitioning on the public stage is very frightening and does take a certain amount of courage. But the more brave & courageous individual by a large margin in my book is the non-transitioning spouse who chooses to actively remain in the relationship.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Finding Connections
I started attending meetings of the local PFLAG group a few months ago. The couple who facilitate this group (D & A) are very nice people with a gay son, who are strong advocates for the local LGBT community. About four months ago this PFLAG group came up with the idea of starting a spin-off group for transgender individuals. A guest speaker at the first meeting was from a Des Moines transgender support group. She spoke at length regarding what their group is all about, when it meets, etc, and had many great ideas.
At the beginning I told D & A that I would like to contribute support for the LGBT community (especially transgender) and that when possible I intended to attend every meeting. From that, they talked me into taking the position of facilitator of our transgender support group. The idea of doing so both excites & frightens me. I am very much looking forward to contributing in any way I can to provide support for any transgender individuals, however I am a passive & shy person who is terrified of speaking in front of a group of people. Taking on this role will be something of a challenge for me (due to my fear) but I consider it a good way find ways to deal with it. And having a passion for this type of support is a huge help. Our group has had transgender individuals attending as well as family members and friends/advocates.
We are meeting the 2nd & 4th Thursdays of every month from 5:30 PM to 7:00 PM, with the PFLAG group meeting in the same room from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM on the 2nd Thursdays of every month. I had no idea how many transgender people might live in this area and would like to attend this type of support group. From a relatively small beginning our transgender support group has been gaining strength. More transgender people than I expected, young & old, have shown up. And a few parents have attended our transgender support group, looking for answers and help with a transgender child, many of them newly aware of the child's preferred gender identity.
This summer I attended a picnic held by the local Pride group who are trying to grow their own numbers from the LGBT community. I met some great people at this event and plan to start attending their monthly meetings, which are held the 3rd Tuesday of every month. Last week I attended a summit held by the local Civil Rights Commission, the main topic being equal rights for housing for the LGBT community. Many from the local Pride and PFLAG groups attended, as did a few others from the LGBT community. I again met some great people.
What I have found is that I really look forward to meeting with these people. They thoroughly know & understand who I am and are fully accepting of me as a transgender woman. When you get right down to it, I am feeling very much connected to the people I have encountered within the local LGBT community. It is somewhat similar to a feeling of family. In many ways I am feeling a better connection with some of these people than I have with my own family (I best leave any discussion regarding relationships with my biological family for another post).
The main thing is, I have a strong sense of belonging to the local LGBT community and I would truly like to find more ways to advocate for better equality in our area and help provide better support for LGBT's, especially transgender people.
At the beginning I told D & A that I would like to contribute support for the LGBT community (especially transgender) and that when possible I intended to attend every meeting. From that, they talked me into taking the position of facilitator of our transgender support group. The idea of doing so both excites & frightens me. I am very much looking forward to contributing in any way I can to provide support for any transgender individuals, however I am a passive & shy person who is terrified of speaking in front of a group of people. Taking on this role will be something of a challenge for me (due to my fear) but I consider it a good way find ways to deal with it. And having a passion for this type of support is a huge help. Our group has had transgender individuals attending as well as family members and friends/advocates.
We are meeting the 2nd & 4th Thursdays of every month from 5:30 PM to 7:00 PM, with the PFLAG group meeting in the same room from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM on the 2nd Thursdays of every month. I had no idea how many transgender people might live in this area and would like to attend this type of support group. From a relatively small beginning our transgender support group has been gaining strength. More transgender people than I expected, young & old, have shown up. And a few parents have attended our transgender support group, looking for answers and help with a transgender child, many of them newly aware of the child's preferred gender identity.
This summer I attended a picnic held by the local Pride group who are trying to grow their own numbers from the LGBT community. I met some great people at this event and plan to start attending their monthly meetings, which are held the 3rd Tuesday of every month. Last week I attended a summit held by the local Civil Rights Commission, the main topic being equal rights for housing for the LGBT community. Many from the local Pride and PFLAG groups attended, as did a few others from the LGBT community. I again met some great people.
What I have found is that I really look forward to meeting with these people. They thoroughly know & understand who I am and are fully accepting of me as a transgender woman. When you get right down to it, I am feeling very much connected to the people I have encountered within the local LGBT community. It is somewhat similar to a feeling of family. In many ways I am feeling a better connection with some of these people than I have with my own family (I best leave any discussion regarding relationships with my biological family for another post).
The main thing is, I have a strong sense of belonging to the local LGBT community and I would truly like to find more ways to advocate for better equality in our area and help provide better support for LGBT's, especially transgender people.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Patience Dear
Patience dear woman.....
This admonishment is in reference to a couple of things.
Please be patient with the pace of transitional changes. You have already seen changes occurring in the right direction. You do know these changes cannot happen overnight (as much as you had wished that they would). Your body is in fact changing. Your body's muscle mass has been noticeably decreasing. And it appears to be redistributing where expected to hips and butt, and best of all your breasts. Your arm and hand strength is definitely less than it ever was. Your hips are wider and your breast fully fill a B cup sized bra. Your body hair (except face) is much less, and where it does exist is much finer. Your skin overall is smoother and more sensitive. That jumble of confusion and noise in your head has settled down comfortably to a zen-like quiet. Your hormone therapy is doing its work as expected. All of these changes will continue but must take time. Fifty plus years of testosterone "poisoning" cannot be undone quickly. So be patient. It is getting better.
The other thing is not so much an admonishment to yourself. Another pleasant and noticeable change has been your attitude...toward much of everything. Before you had been so impatient and angry at so many things. The smallest of incidents would get you steaming. This has been a really good change. It is difficult to attribute it directly to the hormone therapy or to the wonderful relief of being "out" as yourself. It is most likely a combination of both. The fact is, you have the patience of Job anymore. Sure, some things still occur that annoy you. But you seem to get over the few annoyances so much more easily and quickly. This is a very good change. However, as a side note Sue seems to have gained more impatience. She has become more noticeably more impatient and more angry with life's annoyances. She has been very accepting of my gender identity and transitioning, but I fear having to actually deal with it all may be causing her anger and impatience with life. What an ironic Catch-22. In coming out I had most feared losing Sue. In gaining her acceptance I fear she has lost some of her sweetness and calm. Not a fair trade-off. And I now find myself occasionally admonishing her to be patient.....
This admonishment is in reference to a couple of things.
Please be patient with the pace of transitional changes. You have already seen changes occurring in the right direction. You do know these changes cannot happen overnight (as much as you had wished that they would). Your body is in fact changing. Your body's muscle mass has been noticeably decreasing. And it appears to be redistributing where expected to hips and butt, and best of all your breasts. Your arm and hand strength is definitely less than it ever was. Your hips are wider and your breast fully fill a B cup sized bra. Your body hair (except face) is much less, and where it does exist is much finer. Your skin overall is smoother and more sensitive. That jumble of confusion and noise in your head has settled down comfortably to a zen-like quiet. Your hormone therapy is doing its work as expected. All of these changes will continue but must take time. Fifty plus years of testosterone "poisoning" cannot be undone quickly. So be patient. It is getting better.
The other thing is not so much an admonishment to yourself. Another pleasant and noticeable change has been your attitude...toward much of everything. Before you had been so impatient and angry at so many things. The smallest of incidents would get you steaming. This has been a really good change. It is difficult to attribute it directly to the hormone therapy or to the wonderful relief of being "out" as yourself. It is most likely a combination of both. The fact is, you have the patience of Job anymore. Sure, some things still occur that annoy you. But you seem to get over the few annoyances so much more easily and quickly. This is a very good change. However, as a side note Sue seems to have gained more impatience. She has become more noticeably more impatient and more angry with life's annoyances. She has been very accepting of my gender identity and transitioning, but I fear having to actually deal with it all may be causing her anger and impatience with life. What an ironic Catch-22. In coming out I had most feared losing Sue. In gaining her acceptance I fear she has lost some of her sweetness and calm. Not a fair trade-off. And I now find myself occasionally admonishing her to be patient.....
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