Let me take a moment to explain a bit about this site.
My hope is that at some point people out there in the world will stumble across this blog and read what I have to say. So if that is you ..... thank you.
As much as I'd like to believe in magic, as much as I'm a dreamer, I do believe that I have a fairly good sense of reality. Perhaps some people who come across this blog have had some experience with gender dysphoria and gender issues. Or perhaps you know of someone in your circle who is transgender.. However, the far greater majority of the world's populace doesn't know that transgender people even exist. Or if they know they don't believe transgender is a real thing. I do hope that people might eventually find this blog..
If my discussion seems too basic or too graphic, I apologize.
Please, have a nice day!
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Two things still bothersome
1. Living in a male body. Every waking moment I'm aware of this inconsistency. My internal self image, my sense of being, my soul tells me that I am female. But the physical body this awareness resides in has lived so long as male. For most of my life I didn't believe there was any way to change this inconsistency. I don't believe there is a way to change my fundamental sense of self. But I have finally learned of ways to change my physical being. And I've started working on some of those. It's not easy and it won't happen overnight but I have begun the path to fix what has been wrong. The worst though is the constant reminder of my gender incongruity. A penis. Such a thing never did belong on me, yet it is always there. There are ways to correct this and some day I might be able to do so (if only it weren't so darn expensive).
2. Sleep. This has been a thorn in my side for quite some time. I hate having to sleep. Even when going through my darkest period (late teens and early twenties) I remember despising the need to sleep. I do realize that our bodies need sleep for all sorts of reasons but I hate the thought of wasting almost a third of my life. Despite knowing that my body needs to sleep I often find myself delaying bedtime. And I will often wake earlier than planned. I almost never get the recommended eight hours and I do occasionally worry that my health might suffer but I usually do okay with my five to six hours per night. I am not aware of any way to change this fact of life, this troublesome thing called sleep.
2. Sleep. This has been a thorn in my side for quite some time. I hate having to sleep. Even when going through my darkest period (late teens and early twenties) I remember despising the need to sleep. I do realize that our bodies need sleep for all sorts of reasons but I hate the thought of wasting almost a third of my life. Despite knowing that my body needs to sleep I often find myself delaying bedtime. And I will often wake earlier than planned. I almost never get the recommended eight hours and I do occasionally worry that my health might suffer but I usually do okay with my five to six hours per night. I am not aware of any way to change this fact of life, this troublesome thing called sleep.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
The Next To My Best Friend
A funny thing happened on Thanksgiving. I reconnected with a friend I've had since childhood. We were close friends growing up and through high school, but we hadn't talked for over 30 years. When we were a bit more than 20 years old he even asked me to be his best man (definitely some irony there, no?) . He moved out of state and over the years we lost touch. We called or emailed more and more infrequently. It had been years since I had last talked with him.
I sent him a coming out email about a month ago, fearful of his response but wanting to finally be open. He never responded to that email so I assumed the worst, that he was rejecting me as a woman.
Then on the night before Thanksgiving he called. He was in town for a few weeks. He agreed to meet on Thanksgiving day after families had time to celebrate, since he knew my whole family and they knew him. My own Thanksgiving day was spent at my father's house with all the family. My friend stopped by the house around mid-afternoon and it was as if the friendship had never waned. We talked extensively, discussing events from his life as well as my transition. He was genuinely interested about my gender issue, not understanding but wanting to. And he filled me in on some very personal aspects of his recent life.
He asked more questions than anyone else so far, except for Sue, and I mentioned this to him. He pointed out that despite the lengthy period of non-communication we have a solid foundation of friendship. It was very easy to be completely open to each other.
Throughout my life I haven't let anyone get close to me, except for my sweetheart. I've always felt myself to be an outsider, whether it be family or coworkers or any other group of people. With the exception of my gender secret, I had let my wife get closer to me than anyone else in this world. I have considered her to be my very best friend from day one, and since coming out to her our "soul mate" friendship and love has only grown. Before my wife came into my life I had always considered my childhood friend to be my best friend. I'd like to think of him that way, but can you have two best friends? Maybe, maybe not. If not he has got to be my next best friend.
By late evening it was time to leave but we agreed to meet again soon. I've spent too much of my life alone inside (you who are transgendered know what I mean). Since coming out I've found a missed treasure. Close friendship.
I sent him a coming out email about a month ago, fearful of his response but wanting to finally be open. He never responded to that email so I assumed the worst, that he was rejecting me as a woman.
Then on the night before Thanksgiving he called. He was in town for a few weeks. He agreed to meet on Thanksgiving day after families had time to celebrate, since he knew my whole family and they knew him. My own Thanksgiving day was spent at my father's house with all the family. My friend stopped by the house around mid-afternoon and it was as if the friendship had never waned. We talked extensively, discussing events from his life as well as my transition. He was genuinely interested about my gender issue, not understanding but wanting to. And he filled me in on some very personal aspects of his recent life.
He asked more questions than anyone else so far, except for Sue, and I mentioned this to him. He pointed out that despite the lengthy period of non-communication we have a solid foundation of friendship. It was very easy to be completely open to each other.
Throughout my life I haven't let anyone get close to me, except for my sweetheart. I've always felt myself to be an outsider, whether it be family or coworkers or any other group of people. With the exception of my gender secret, I had let my wife get closer to me than anyone else in this world. I have considered her to be my very best friend from day one, and since coming out to her our "soul mate" friendship and love has only grown. Before my wife came into my life I had always considered my childhood friend to be my best friend. I'd like to think of him that way, but can you have two best friends? Maybe, maybe not. If not he has got to be my next best friend.
By late evening it was time to leave but we agreed to meet again soon. I've spent too much of my life alone inside (you who are transgendered know what I mean). Since coming out I've found a missed treasure. Close friendship.
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