.....does not glitter

I have been thinking about the title I chose for this blog:
"All that is gold does not glitter....."

One thing that is supposed to be golden is life.  And it sure does NOT glitter.  There is so very
much selfishness and greed in our world.  There is much too much racial and religious distrust
and disparity.  Way too much gun violence, way too much of any kind of violence.  There is just
an unbelievable amount of hatred out there.  I could go on and on but everyone knows what our
world is like, what it has become.  I've said this before.....it's NOT supposed to be this way.

Every couple of weeks I see this saying:
"Life is a journey and only you hold the map."

Whenever I think of this saying I usually paraphrase it to myself this way:
"Life is a journey and only you hold the key."

It seems I have apparently spent my entire life stuck in doorways related to that life, where
opposing things exist on each side.  I guess only I hold the key to my doorways.

No ending.....second chance instead

Immediately following my last post almost a month ago on Wednesday, February 11th, I attempted suicide.  I started swallowing a big pile of pills with the intent of ending my life.  I had been experiencing fairly severe depression and felt that I could no longer continue on.  My attempt failed.  The pills I began taking made me drowsy and I passed out before I swallowed enough pills to be fatal.  Sue found me after she returned home from work that day and immediately called 911.  I was taken to the hospital emergency room, then within 24 hours moved to intensive care.  I remember next to nothing those first 2 or 3 days.  I know different people visited me, some I sort of remember and some I don't.  The hospital kept someone in my room 24/7 for suicide watch.  On Friday they moved me to a locked ward called the Behavioral Management Unit.  The staff on this ward are tasked with helping people who have just experienced some crisis such as suicide or something serious involving substance abuse.  They did a great job getting me back on my feet.  And while I was in the hospital I received many cards and messages, visitors and flowers.  I woke up to the fact that there are many people out there that care about me.  I had been allowing my depression to block out any feelings from other people, even feelings from Sue.  So it was a literal eye-opener that all these people, especially Sue, were caring more for me than I had been caring for myself.

I have been trying to rebuild my life and reconnect with people. 

It's hard but I want to do better than before, be a better friend than before.

This Is The End

There had been much more that I wanted to say.  I suppose wallowing in my self pity and grief ate up all of my time.  And now the time has come to say my final goodbye.

The last few days and hours have been somewhat surreal.  I haven't felt that I could share the extent of my depression with anyone, not even with Sue.  So outwardly, for all the world, it has been business as usual.  While internally I have been a train wreck.

My only regret in ending my life is the disruption & turmoil I will be causing to everyone close to me.  But I cannot put this off any longer.  I do not feel afraid of doing this.  I do not feel afraid about what may happen next.  The goal is to put an end to this confusing craziness.

Goodbye everyone.