The Transgender Day of Remembrance was a week ago yesterday. I wanted to post something that day but at the time I came up empty. So ..... what is that day about? Do I even know those people? Why should I care?
Well I've thought quite a bit about those people, not just a week ago yesterday but many times before and since. It is true that I do not personally know any of the people who have been hated and persecuted and brutalized and killed. But I do know a bit about what they were like. They merely wanted to spend their time in this world as themselves. Nothing fake, nothing hidden. They just wanted to live a normal life, just as everyone else wants to do. Sometime during their lives they gathered enough courage to end the big secret, and live true. And this did take quite a bit of courage because all of us have heard the stories of hatred and persecution and discrimination. Courage to me means facing head on, all by your lonesome, a boatload of crap and abuse to just do the right thing.
It took me so very long to find enough courage to say enough already with my own façade. I've opened myself up to the world, making it known to all who I really am. And I've been very fortunate. So far I've only experienced acceptance. It is very likely that all the abuse others suffered before me has paved the way for my own journey. But I still worry, living openly in my preferred gender, living openly as transgender, I still worry. How can I not? There are still way too many people like me out there who, after finding a bit of courage to come out to the world, experience hate and prejudice.
The human race still has a long road toward maturity, to get to a place where people stop being afraid of and hating anyone who is different.
So on this Thanksgiving Day, I am very thankful for all those who went ahead of me on this journey. And I will choose to hope that my fellow humans will someday grow up.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
All that is gold does not glitter.....
I believe in magic. To clarify, I do know that true magic doesn't exist in our world but I like to believe in the possibility of magic. My favorite story will always be The Hobbit and Lord of The Rings trilogy. J.R.R. Tolkien created a world where magic does exist. A place full of diverse races (elves, dwarves, hobbits), wizards, extreme good & evil. The world that Tolkien created has a complete history & background, and he richly described the places, the people, the politics. An amazing story of people who will sacrifice themselves for the sake of others no matter the personal cost. If you've never experienced this story, and can open your mind to the possibility of magic, please take the time to read all four books in sequence. The Peter Jackson movies are good, but reading the story is by far more richly rewarding.
My favorite verse from this epic goes like this:
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
by J.R.R. Tolkien from The Fellowship of the Ring
I like to believe in the possibility of magic. As a teenager, for the longest time I dreamt, I prayed, I wished so hard that when I awoke in the morning some sort of magic would have happened, changing my body to that of a girl. As I grew older I began to understand that this was not going to happen. As much as I wished this, and realizing I was stuck the way I was, I eventually became so very angry, then depressed. I turned my back on life, on the possibility of there being any kind of future for me. I was too much of a coward to commit suicide at that time, so I did the next best thing. I buried myself in alcohol and drugs, numbing myself to just get each day over with.
After wasting too many of the early years of my life that way, my soulmate came into my life. Suffice it to say my attitude toward life changed, because unexpectedly it became very Shakespearean for me "..... what light through yonder window breaks?"
The feeling behind the Tolkien poem shown above has lately rung very true for me, especially that first line. At this stage of my life I am an older woman, a senior citizen. I do know I will never be as pretty and beautiful as the women on TV and in the movies. I will always be a plain Jane, but I can live with that. Because I do know exactly who I truly am.
My favorite verse from this epic goes like this:
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
by J.R.R. Tolkien from The Fellowship of the Ring
I like to believe in the possibility of magic. As a teenager, for the longest time I dreamt, I prayed, I wished so hard that when I awoke in the morning some sort of magic would have happened, changing my body to that of a girl. As I grew older I began to understand that this was not going to happen. As much as I wished this, and realizing I was stuck the way I was, I eventually became so very angry, then depressed. I turned my back on life, on the possibility of there being any kind of future for me. I was too much of a coward to commit suicide at that time, so I did the next best thing. I buried myself in alcohol and drugs, numbing myself to just get each day over with.
After wasting too many of the early years of my life that way, my soulmate came into my life. Suffice it to say my attitude toward life changed, because unexpectedly it became very Shakespearean for me "..... what light through yonder window breaks?"
The feeling behind the Tolkien poem shown above has lately rung very true for me, especially that first line. At this stage of my life I am an older woman, a senior citizen. I do know I will never be as pretty and beautiful as the women on TV and in the movies. I will always be a plain Jane, but I can live with that. Because I do know exactly who I truly am.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Transition + 33
I'm just wrapping up my 4th week living fully as myself.
After reading of others' experiences with transitioning, I did expect to encounter some discrimination, some negativity, some resistance. But other than a couple of past acquaintances who either didn't think much of what I was doing or just didn't respond at all to my announcement, everything has been going very smoothly. My HR department and management team at work have been 100% accepting & supportive, as have my coworkers. My immediate family has also been accepting & supportive. Even my father, which was a very pleasant surprise.
I have my name changed almost everywhere now. The name & gender change has finally been completed on my insurance (too bad they don't cover GRS...yet). There are a couple of places I still need to have it revised, like my voter registration. The HRT is progressing satisfactorily, the doctor who is my transgender specialist has increased the dosage twice now.
You know, I probably wouldn't be at this point without the love & support of my sweetheart, my soul mate, my wife who I've been with for over 35 years. I had kept my gender issue secret from everyone, even her, up until just over three years ago. For some months before I finally came out to her I had been acting like a full-time asshole to everyone. Due to my abhorrent behavior, and not knowing this secret I had kept hidden, she was ready to leave me, ready for a divorce. But we've been working together to keep our relationship intact ever since. She has been wonderful.
This is still a work in progress but it's unbelievably joyful being able to finally be my true self.
After reading of others' experiences with transitioning, I did expect to encounter some discrimination, some negativity, some resistance. But other than a couple of past acquaintances who either didn't think much of what I was doing or just didn't respond at all to my announcement, everything has been going very smoothly. My HR department and management team at work have been 100% accepting & supportive, as have my coworkers. My immediate family has also been accepting & supportive. Even my father, which was a very pleasant surprise.
I have my name changed almost everywhere now. The name & gender change has finally been completed on my insurance (too bad they don't cover GRS...yet). There are a couple of places I still need to have it revised, like my voter registration. The HRT is progressing satisfactorily, the doctor who is my transgender specialist has increased the dosage twice now.
You know, I probably wouldn't be at this point without the love & support of my sweetheart, my soul mate, my wife who I've been with for over 35 years. I had kept my gender issue secret from everyone, even her, up until just over three years ago. For some months before I finally came out to her I had been acting like a full-time asshole to everyone. Due to my abhorrent behavior, and not knowing this secret I had kept hidden, she was ready to leave me, ready for a divorce. But we've been working together to keep our relationship intact ever since. She has been wonderful.
This is still a work in progress but it's unbelievably joyful being able to finally be my true self.
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