Over the past few weeks I have been able to talk with a woman who had Gender Confirmation Surgery a year earlier. She had it done by a Dr. Gast at the University of Wisconsin Hospital in Madison. She had a great experience with the surgery and that hospital, and has been totally happy with the results. She talked in detail about her experience and what her life is like now. I learned that a good friend was scheduled to have the same surgery on July 19th and two other transwomen from the transgender support group have dates set in November. Madison isn't terribly far from my town so I decided to go there too. I made an appointment for August 1st for an initial consultation with Dr. Gast.
I drove my friend to Madison for her surgery and stayed until she was discharged from the hospital. Her surgery was on a Friday and she was discharged the following Wednesday. I then drove her home. My appointment was to be 8 days later.
So. Two days ago I had my initial consultation with the surgeon in Madison, Dr. Gast, who does Gender Confirmation Surgery. She's very caring and respectful. I'm in. The last step is verifying what my insurance will cover, and then set a date. But I must choose which type of GCS to have. There are two types of GCS: full depth and zero depth. Both result in a fully normal appearing vagina as well as a sexually functional clitoris. The difference is that full depth (Vaginoplasty) results in a full vaginal cavity. Zero depth (Vulvoplasty) will result in a small dimple (no vaginal cavity), but on the outside it will result aesthetically looking like a cis-woman's vagina. The full depth option requires laser or electrolysis hair removal around the base of the penis & around the scrotum, bowel cleanse before surgery, and dilating the vaginal canal the rest of your life. The zero depth option requires no hair removal, no bowel cleanse and no dilating. The zero depth surgery is safer and takes less time in the OR. The full depth option is being scheduled out to January/February. Zero depth surgery can be scheduled sooner, maybe
October/November?
Dr. Gast fully explained the pro's & con's of both options and did not pressure me to choose one over the other. She told me she would accept whichever option I choose, and she would do the surgery on me for either one. But she did explain that because of my age, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. that I would run a risk of complications during surgery and a higher risk of infection. She advised that due to the health concerns the zero depth option might be the better choice for me. One other consideration is that I apparently don't have enough penile material (wtf?!) to create a full vaginal canal. The truth is that, most likely from having a lower level of testosterone all my life, I was never endowed with much "down there". For the full depth option she would need to take a skin graft, probably from my thigh, to complete the vaginal canal. I have dreamed of having the full depth most of my life. I have wanted to be as close as I could be to anatomically correct since I hit puberty. And it really isn't so much about experiencing sex correctly as a woman as it is feeling that my body is fully complete, fully whole. I have allowed myself to believe that I could only feel right about myself by having the full depth vaginoplasty. But I do understand the health risks so I will need to choose the zero depth option. After taking in everything I told Dr. Gast my choice would be zero depth GCS (Vulvoplasty). I got all emotional. I started bawling. Damn it, I'm bawling now.
Besides being a less complex procedure and much safer, there really are some good advantages to having the zero depth surgery. Hopefully I will be able to concentrate on the benefits of this choice. It truly is a final decision and I will need to fully accept it for the rest of my life.
Saturday, August 3, 2019
Sunday, June 30, 2019
The experience of loss
Despite the sentiment I expressed in my last post, and which I do strongly believe, a number of losses occurred over a few years' time that had a profound affect on me in one way or another.
My brother-in-law Al passed away in May 2008. He was about 12 years younger than me. He had a very slight learning disability but he was everyone's friend. He was my friend. His death was completely unexpected. I was shocked and grief stricken. I will always miss him.
The flood in June 2008. I include this because it was such a disastrous event for our city. In a way it was a death of permanence. It showed everyone that nothing lasts forever. I wasn't personally affected but my in laws' house was flooded, more than halfway up in the main floor. And their house was six blocks away from the river. At the time I don't remember feeling profound grief. But afterwards any reminder of that event will choke me up and cause instant tears.
My mother-in-law passed away in September 2011. She was very sweet and caring, and accepting of who I was when I came out. In many ways I felt closer to my in laws than to my own parents. My mother-in-law's health started to deteriorate some time after The Flood. Sue and all her siblings were with her during her last couple of days in Hospice. All of them, and I, were deeply grief stricken after she was gone.
My own mother's health began to fail around mid-2011. She had fibromyalgia and something similar to cystic fibrosis. This last was causing some kind of fiber-like growth in her lungs making it more and more difficult to breath. She eventually required extra oxygen which restricted her mobility somewhat. During her last few days my father and all of my siblings and their families were at my parent's house. The day before she passed away I stayed overnight there. Her breathing became more labored and she was for all intents and purposes unconscious. She passed away in her own home in February 2012. This was the second time I was present during the last hours of a close relative. Although I didn't feel close to my parents, my mother's passing had a deep effect on me.
My youngest brother Jay died in February 2013. I got a call from my sister the night he died and at first I could not believe it. No way could this be true. He was ten years younger than me. Apparently it happened right after he got off work. He was driving away from his workplace when it happened. His car went off the road still within the business grounds where his coworkers found him. His death was caused by a calcification of the heart. He was married to a nurse but rarely of ever saw a doctor for anything. At that time my father was in the hospital due to a growing issue with lower back pain. Since our mother had passed away just a year earlier we were afraid this news would have an adverse effect on him. I believe that Jay and my sister were closer to dad than anyone else. Even though Jay lived an hour and a half away, he came to visit dad quite often to just spend time with him and help him with things. I had a very difficult time at Jay's wake and couldn't bring myself to talk much with anyone. My sister and brother Kevin were awesome in the way they stayed beside the casket and talked to everyone lined up to view the casket. And what an incredible testament to how well liked my brother Jay was. It seemed that almost everyone from his workplace, from his church, neighbors and friends, and many relatives came to the wake. The line was long most of the evening and the funeral home had to stay open hours after the scheduled ending of the wake just to accommodate everyone. I think losing Jay affected me more profoundly than all the rest. Even now, years after his death, I can't think of him without weeping.
Dad passed away in December 2015. During the preceding two years his health gradually declined. He suffered with lower back pain. The doctor told him that surgery might fix it but that the place where the surgery was required was too near vital nerves and the surgery could cause critical damage. He had severe hearing loss as well as losing much of his eyesight. As I've said I didn't feel very close to my parents which was more my own fault than theirs. While I never felt much familial love for them, I never blamed them for it. I did feel close to my siblings but all three had moved far from home. I never blamed my siblings for this either but since they lived so far away and I stayed in town, I was the primary contact to my parents whenever they needed immediate help with anything. As their health began to fail their need for support increased. I will never, ever blame my parents or my siblings for this situation, but as my parents' need for assistance increased, so did my level of stress. A month before dad passed away I had made my second attempt to end my life. It's entirely possible the shock of what I did contributed to dad's passing but that is something that I will never know with certainty. In December 2015 dad's health became bad enough that he was taken to the hospital's ICU. After a few days he had reached a point where the doctor told us that he was still living only while wired up to the machines. We had the dreaded decision to make of whether to pull the plug or not. My brother, sister and I reached the decision together based on dad's wishes of not wanting to continue while hooked up to machines. This was the most difficult decision I ever had to make.
My brother-in-law Al passed away in May 2008. He was about 12 years younger than me. He had a very slight learning disability but he was everyone's friend. He was my friend. His death was completely unexpected. I was shocked and grief stricken. I will always miss him.
The flood in June 2008. I include this because it was such a disastrous event for our city. In a way it was a death of permanence. It showed everyone that nothing lasts forever. I wasn't personally affected but my in laws' house was flooded, more than halfway up in the main floor. And their house was six blocks away from the river. At the time I don't remember feeling profound grief. But afterwards any reminder of that event will choke me up and cause instant tears.
My mother-in-law passed away in September 2011. She was very sweet and caring, and accepting of who I was when I came out. In many ways I felt closer to my in laws than to my own parents. My mother-in-law's health started to deteriorate some time after The Flood. Sue and all her siblings were with her during her last couple of days in Hospice. All of them, and I, were deeply grief stricken after she was gone.
My own mother's health began to fail around mid-2011. She had fibromyalgia and something similar to cystic fibrosis. This last was causing some kind of fiber-like growth in her lungs making it more and more difficult to breath. She eventually required extra oxygen which restricted her mobility somewhat. During her last few days my father and all of my siblings and their families were at my parent's house. The day before she passed away I stayed overnight there. Her breathing became more labored and she was for all intents and purposes unconscious. She passed away in her own home in February 2012. This was the second time I was present during the last hours of a close relative. Although I didn't feel close to my parents, my mother's passing had a deep effect on me.
My youngest brother Jay died in February 2013. I got a call from my sister the night he died and at first I could not believe it. No way could this be true. He was ten years younger than me. Apparently it happened right after he got off work. He was driving away from his workplace when it happened. His car went off the road still within the business grounds where his coworkers found him. His death was caused by a calcification of the heart. He was married to a nurse but rarely of ever saw a doctor for anything. At that time my father was in the hospital due to a growing issue with lower back pain. Since our mother had passed away just a year earlier we were afraid this news would have an adverse effect on him. I believe that Jay and my sister were closer to dad than anyone else. Even though Jay lived an hour and a half away, he came to visit dad quite often to just spend time with him and help him with things. I had a very difficult time at Jay's wake and couldn't bring myself to talk much with anyone. My sister and brother Kevin were awesome in the way they stayed beside the casket and talked to everyone lined up to view the casket. And what an incredible testament to how well liked my brother Jay was. It seemed that almost everyone from his workplace, from his church, neighbors and friends, and many relatives came to the wake. The line was long most of the evening and the funeral home had to stay open hours after the scheduled ending of the wake just to accommodate everyone. I think losing Jay affected me more profoundly than all the rest. Even now, years after his death, I can't think of him without weeping.
Dad passed away in December 2015. During the preceding two years his health gradually declined. He suffered with lower back pain. The doctor told him that surgery might fix it but that the place where the surgery was required was too near vital nerves and the surgery could cause critical damage. He had severe hearing loss as well as losing much of his eyesight. As I've said I didn't feel very close to my parents which was more my own fault than theirs. While I never felt much familial love for them, I never blamed them for it. I did feel close to my siblings but all three had moved far from home. I never blamed my siblings for this either but since they lived so far away and I stayed in town, I was the primary contact to my parents whenever they needed immediate help with anything. As their health began to fail their need for support increased. I will never, ever blame my parents or my siblings for this situation, but as my parents' need for assistance increased, so did my level of stress. A month before dad passed away I had made my second attempt to end my life. It's entirely possible the shock of what I did contributed to dad's passing but that is something that I will never know with certainty. In December 2015 dad's health became bad enough that he was taken to the hospital's ICU. After a few days he had reached a point where the doctor told us that he was still living only while wired up to the machines. We had the dreaded decision to make of whether to pull the plug or not. My brother, sister and I reached the decision together based on dad's wishes of not wanting to continue while hooked up to machines. This was the most difficult decision I ever had to make.
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
They are not really gone
Recently a friend was grieving deeply for a beloved pet that had passed away.
This is what I wrote to her:
Once you welcome them into your home, and start giving your love to them, they cease to be animals. They become true members of your family. The unconditional love you give them, they return doubled and tripled in their own innocent way. In many ways the bond they form with you is stronger and truer than any you might have with people. You, dear friend, are a special kind of person that finds it easy to extend this kind of unconditional love to our slightly more furry friends. Your bond with those that become members of your family has no equal in the human-only world. This kind of bond that you form is worlds higher and better than most people have ever realized. You have such a special, caring soul which now has an important part missing. Try to remember the love you had when they were still on this planet with you. Know that the love you provided has elevated the soul of your departed one to a higher plane than that reached by "ordinary" creatures. You two will be together again once your own spirit ascends to that same plane. They are not really gone, they are saving a place for you.
I love you, dear.
This is what I wrote to her:
Once you welcome them into your home, and start giving your love to them, they cease to be animals. They become true members of your family. The unconditional love you give them, they return doubled and tripled in their own innocent way. In many ways the bond they form with you is stronger and truer than any you might have with people. You, dear friend, are a special kind of person that finds it easy to extend this kind of unconditional love to our slightly more furry friends. Your bond with those that become members of your family has no equal in the human-only world. This kind of bond that you form is worlds higher and better than most people have ever realized. You have such a special, caring soul which now has an important part missing. Try to remember the love you had when they were still on this planet with you. Know that the love you provided has elevated the soul of your departed one to a higher plane than that reached by "ordinary" creatures. You two will be together again once your own spirit ascends to that same plane. They are not really gone, they are saving a place for you.
I love you, dear.
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