I fell deeper down the rabbit hole

I thought everything would be okay if I just kept busy. If I did that, maybe I wouldn't dwell on my inner darkness. By mid-2015 I had gone back to work. I went back to the PFLAG and transgender support groups. I joined the Cedar Rapids Pride committee. I got in a book club. I remember those things. There may have been one or two more. I cannot exactly say that this was a mistake but it did prove to be too much. I felt so much stress that I quit some of these things shortly after starting them. I think the real problem was that Depression was tightening its grip on me. No matter what I did I could not feel good anymore, no joy in anything. And I kept it to myself. Again. After that first incident in February I was afraid to admit to anyone that my mental state was still down in the pit. It became a simmering shitpot. The therapy and medications hadn't erased the depression, I was feeling increasingly stressed by the world around me, and I couldn't bring myself to tell this to anyone. Every thought running through my mind was negative. It seemed to me that it had been a huge mistake to have failed my suicide attempt in February.

By October 2015 I was again feeling that I wanted out of this life. I felt absolutely no hope. So I began making another plan. This time I just had to succeed. On a warm day in November I left work early, went home, and started swallowing all kinds of pills again. This time I saved the ones that would put me to sleep for last. I was well on my way when I started feeling really weird. I felt like I was vibrating and that I was being covered or wrapped up in something so that I could barely move. And I got scared. I wasn't sure how to contact Sue at her workplace and somehow was able to call my therapist for help. She told me to stop everything I was doing and she would call for help and get ahold of Sue. I was only partially aware of everything after that. I must've gotten the front door unlocked because soon there were some cops and firemen in my living room asking questions. I really don't remember much after that until I woke up realizing I was in the hospital ICU again. After a day or two they moved me to the Behavioral Management Unit again. After another week there I was sent home.

Was I cured now of depression? Not likely. But it was back to therapy and an ever changing prescription list intended to help me maintain some semblance of sanity.

Three years and ten months?!?

Wow! It's way past time to brush the dust off of this blog thing. Much has happened since August 9, 2015. Much is beyond the capacity of my memory cells to recall. But much needs to be said before I continue on with this thing.

The bad news is that my recent bout with depression lasted about four years. During that time I attempted suicide twice and two other times I became suicidal enough to require hospitalization. Yikes! The good news is that I finally got past that depression last Fall. Yayy!

There were ups and downs during that period of depression, mainly downs. Now that I've left it behind I am looking at the future. Setting some goals and making some plans. One day at a time.

My New Normal?

Here I am, about 6 months out from my incident.  How am I doing?

Immediately following my incident in February I had received many cards and well wishes and flowers.  Many people stopped by the hospital to visit and encourage me.  At the time it made me feel okay and I thought just maybe I could do this thing called life after all.

I have been working with the therapist I have had for a few years and my assigned psychiatrist, trying to get me to a positive place.  The hope is that I can get to a positive place that will be sustainable.  My therapist has always been very positive herself and it has always been helpful to have a session with her.  I guess the time spent there is to try and heal my emotional well being. 

Since February my psychiatrist has been adjusting & changing my medications.  This would be to heal my physical well being.  Supposedly depression is caused by a lack of something, or a messed up something in my head.  And drugs are supposed to fix that.

My therapist has been helping me with coping skills, relaxing techniques and methods of gaining a more positive outlook on life. 

The medication mix I am currently on seems to be the most helpful so far.

There is no magic cure that will erase the issues causing depression.  All the garbage in me that had ever caused depression will always be there.  The best I can do is learn to cope, learn to be happy, and find a medication that will help prevent another downward spiral.

Sue has been my best friend, the love of my life and my soul mate.  She has been giving all the help she possibly can to build me back up.  She listens to me, trying to understand what I am going through.  She such a positive, bright light in my life.

So, how am I doing?

The depression isn't affecting me as bad lately.  It's all still there but I don't have nearly as many episodes of feeling dark despair or sobbing uncontrollably.  I guess my emotions are a bit more positive and more stable.  Although occasionally one of these episodes will still grab ahold of me.  I always used to have issues being in large groups of people, and that seems to have worsened.  A few times over the past few months I have experienced more pronounced panic attacks while in a large group, more than I ever did before.  A couple of times it was bad enough that I had to leave.  Another symptom that seems to be hanging on with me is nervousness and anxiety.  I lump them together since they seem to go hand in hand, and the most troubling effect of these is a physical jitteriness or shaking.  I never had that before, and the jitteriness or shaking is occurring more frequently and for no apparent reason.  It started small, just in my hands.  But lately I can feel it all over, hands and arms and legs.  And there have been more headaches.  I have been back at work on my old job but that has become almost overwhelmingly stressful.  Anymore it's difficult to focus on what I'm doing and to get all my work completed every day.  I read quite a bit, watch shows & movies.  These last have always been my best method of escape.

Is there hope for me?  Sure.  Can I get back into a happier life?  Sure.  Will it take time?  Sure.

I counsel everyone else to be patient.  I need to maintain my own patience.