So much to talk about.......
I really need to post entries in here more regularly. Overall, my life right now is very positive. I'm moving forward on achieving a better spiritual awareness and learning the value of unconditional love. My soulmate, Sue, is still with me and I hope we are able to share decades more together. What more could I want? I have been leaning toward what that Zen saying proclaimed, "Nothing is what I want."
Well there is this one thing. Two weeks from yesterday I will be in the University of Wisconsin Hospital in Madison having my Gender Confirmation Surgery, a Vaginolasty. This is a procedure where an experienced surgeon takes the remaining pieces of my physical maleness and uses that to create a true vagina. The procedure I have been wishing for most of my life. A way to be as physically female as possible. Over the past six years the hormone replacement therapy has been doing a great job in smoothing my skin, making my body hair nonexistent (or fine enough to seem so), rearranging muscle mass into fat mass and shifting it to create more bodily feminine curves, including increasing the matter in my breasts, increasing them to a truly feminine shape and size. The main physical component of my body that hormones cannot change is my male genitalia. ugh.
So two weeks from today I will be recovering in the hospital the day after my surgery, and my genitalia will have been finally corrected. I remember when I was a young teen, praying to God before I went to bed to please change me during the night into a real girl (sort of a reverse Pinocchio). I also remember a couple of times wondering if I could find the courage to actually cut off that horrid maleness. Anyway, you know most of my story. Those things never happened and I went on living most of my life incorrectly as a guy.
I am not in any way frightened about this surgery. Up to now I haven't really been too anxious or excited either. This surgery is merely a procedure to correct my body, to finally make it normal. However, I have been thinking more lately about the reality of this surgery, and when I recover fully from it. Every day I cannot escape the male junk still on me, and the hate I have for it. This surgery will make my body normal for the first time in my life. It will not really change my thinking but it will somewhat change the way I think about myself. Bringing my body to its authentic state will more greatly match my sense of gender. And free up most of my remaining dysphoria allowing me to better concentrate on my spiritual path.
