For the greater part of my life it seemed that I was stuck within the doorways between male and female. The body I was born with, my physical self was male. But the mind I was born with, my soul was female. My family and the world could only see the physical part of me so that is how I grew up. That is how I was socialized. That is how I had to live. I never felt safe to allow the world to know who I really was, not even those closest to me. For a very long time I lived this way with this huge secret always there, lurking around within my being. After much too long it got to be too difficult to continue living this way. People aren't meant to remain stuck in this doorway. We're meant to be fully on one side or the other. I had to force myself through that doorway into the side where I felt I belonged. Fully as a female. I was able to close the door to the male side and use my key to lock that door. I have tried to do as much as possible to take my place as a female.
It turns out there has been another doorway I've been stuck within. A doorway between a larger space. A doorway between light and dark. I'm not talking about the sides of good and evil here. It's more like the sides between sunshine & happiness & life, and sadness & anger & nothingness. That doorway is open to me now and I am straddling the threshold.
The side of this door that is full of light and life and happiness appears very nice. There are many people there that know me and care about me and are trying to help me through. I yearn to jump over to this side but it seems so very hard to do.
The other side of this door is dark and full of nothing, but it still has something of a hold on me. There is a surprising feeling of calm and peace coming from there. Falling back to this side would seem to be so very easy.
As with the gender door, people aren't meant to remain stuck here either. I know I need to move to one side or the other of this door, lock it and throw away the key. But for now I cannot make any move. The dark side holds all my depression and is locked onto me as if with a chain. I will never be fully on the side of light & life until I am able to break that depression chain holding and pulling me back.
