Letter Sent To Friends And Relatives

You have always known me as Michael, Mike.  I have wanted to talk to you about this issue for some time so here goes.  I am sending this to you because, I've always considered you to be a very dear friend/cousin/aunt or uncle/etc and I do want that you hear this directly from me.

I have had this issue within me ever since I was a kid.  A gender issue.  For so very long I have felt that I should have been a girl.  The name for the way I am is “transgender” or more accurately "transsexual". 

From early on this caused immense confusion and uncertainty.  Imagine living with a secret that you feel is so shameful and embarrassing and scary that you feel the need to hide it from the world.  You cannot talk to anyone, even your closest loved ones about it.  That was me.  To all the world I was an awkward and shy “guy” while inside I was never sure who I was supposed to be.  I remember a few instances when I was younger, but I really started wondering about this and wondering about these feelings when puberty hit ... about 12 or 13.  At that time I did not know there was a name for it, I did not know anyone I could ask about it or talk to about it, I thought this was some weird thing just on me, that I was somehow a really strange person.  I learned very early to keep these feelings secret, to keep them hidden.  Along the way I tried my best to act my allotted part, as a guy.

By my late teens and early adulthood I had become really depressed and angry about it.  I never could see that that there could be any kind of a meaningful future for myself.  I got involved in drugs and alcohol to more or less numb myself from life, from being different, from being weird.  I never consciously considering suicide (which is actually quite common for transgender people).  But there were two distinct incidences back then that could have easily ended life for me, directly as a result from the lifestyle I was living.

In my mid twenties fate intervened.  Out of the blue what I never expected to happen, did happen.  Into my life came Sue.  At that time I thought something like that would never happen for me, that I would find someone decent and kind and good, someone that actually wanted to spend time with me.  I have no idea what Sue ever saw in me at that time, but we made a real connection.  After knowing each other for over a year we married.  Back then there was no way I could bring myself to tell her about my gender issue.   I began to believe that I was given an opportunity to live a life as expected.  As a “guy”.  Along the way we had our daughter Christina.  Our love has remained and grown. 

I thought the gender stuff could be left in the past, something no one need ever know about.  I felt that I was able to keep it all behind me.  I was able to successfully suppress those feelings for a very long time.  The trouble was it never really went away.  I did a really good job hiding it from the world and myself.  But........

A few years ago it started creeping back.  I started thinking about it more and more ..... again.  I am deeply ashamed to admit becoming sullen and angry, and taking my frustrations out on those closest to me.  I felt (again) that I was stuck this way.  It was getting harder again to live this way.  I did not get back into drugs but I did start drinking again, daily. 

I finally got to a point where I knew something had to be done.  By now I knew that I had people who cared about me so I wanted to find some kind of a better way to deal with this.  I had never before allowed myself to consider that there might be something I could actually do about it.  So over four years ago I began reading about and researching gender issues.  Thanks to the internet I was surprised to find that there were in fact many others out there like me, and that there were in fact things I could do about it.  I started seeing a therapist around that time.  I saw that it just might be possible to change, to live a life more true to the way I feel.

After sharing our lives for over 30 years, and keeping this my own secret somewhat of a crisis point came in our relationship.  I finally came out to Sue, which as you might imagine was extremely traumatic.  We spent much of that day driving around and talking, and crying.  That was four years ago.  We have been working ever since then on maintaining our relationship.  We are still working on it.  But we are at a point where Sue has accepted the way I am and we intend to stay together forever.

Sometime after revealing my true self to Sue I came out to our daughter, my immediate family, and Sue's immediate family.  During the past four plus years I have been in therapy and working on what I can do.

Last year I began seeing a doctor who specializes in transgender patients.  The local University hospital system has a very good department helping people with gender issues.  In August I employed a good lawyer who helped to have my name and gender legally changed.  The court granted approval on my petition for a name and gender marker change in October.  I came out at work, first to my management team, and then to my Human Resources representative.  All were very supportive and very helpful.  My management team helped me prepare the news for my coworkers, and my HR representative worked diligently to enact my name and gender change throughout all company records.  I came out to my immediate coworkers and the rest of the company at the beginning of October.  In all of this I expected to receive some resistance, but the reality has been that I have been extremely fortunate in receiving acceptance and support from everyone.

I began living and working full time as female the third week in October.  Please believe that this is not a whim or some phase I am going through.  My intent is to forever remain a woman named Mikayla Grace.  The thought of doing this has been immensely frightening, but I have been preparing myself for and working on this process for quite some time.

There you have it.  Your friend/cousin/nephew is in reality a girl, a woman.  I do hope this news hasn't shocked you too much.  I do very much value your friendship, and hope you are able to accept me this way.

I would very much welcome any and all questions or concerns you may have.

Sincerely,
Mikayla Grace

A Meeting of Gender Nonconforming People and Those Who Share Their Journey

Over the past couple of years Sue & I have attended a few meetings by the local PFLAG group.  PFLAG started a bit over 40 years ago as a support organization for "Parents Friends of Lesbian And Gay" people.  Today PFLAG is made up of "parents, families, friends, and straight allies united with people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT), PFLAG is committed to advancing equality and societal acceptance of LGBT people through its threefold mission of support, education and advocacy."  (That last is taken from their website)

The couple who run the local chapter are great.  They really care about doing everything they can to help make our area accepting and understanding of all people.  This has really been the only local support group I've found that comes closest to caring about transgender people.  These local meetings have usually had a stronger leaning toward the "L" and "G" of LGBT.  They do care about including everyone, but in the time Sue & I have been attending there haven't been any other transgender people in attendance.  But that is now changing.....

Last week the local PFLAG group opened their monthly meeting an hour and a half early.  The topic for this early session was "A Meeting of Gender Nonconforming People and Those Who Share Their Journey", and it was for any gender nonconforming people, school aged or adult.  They had the facilitator of a Des Moines transgender support group as a speaker.  And the main discussion was on founding a transgender support group in our town.  There was one other adult transgender person, one mother whose college age daughter just recently came out to her, and 3 teen aged transgender people, along with the parents of one of them.  The Des Moines group meets once a week, plus once every month.  The plan for this new local group is to start out meeting the 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month.  I think having this as a spin-off of PFLAG is a really great idea, and I hope it can take hold and grow.  I only wish there had been something like this in place a few years ago after I first truly came out to myself and Sue.