There's a concept out there of something called a "soul mate". Like most other things there are varying descriptions of what this is. From all of these differing descriptions here is what I believe. A soul mate is a person you come across who at once seems totally familiar and who you fell totally comfortable with. A soul mate is someone who has more in common with you, is more like you, than all others. A soul mate is someone who you have shared previous lives with and who you will likely share future lives with. And someone who is the very best to share your current life with.
Another concept exists called a "twin flame". This also has many varying descriptions and all appear to refer to a relationship that is more deep, more spiritual than a soul mate. One description is that a twin flame is a mirror of your soul, may have actually been the other half of your soul. At some point your soul, your spirit split in order to increase energetically spiritual work within the universe. A twin flame is someone you would be connected with in mind and spirit, and that connection will always exist.
I have heard that the the thicker, taller and healthier a tree becomes the more its root system spreads outward. Which leads me to imagine that the root system beneath the Great Redwood Forest must surely encompass half the planet. There is a person in this place and time that I have spent more than half of my existence with. During this time my love for this person has grown every millisecond. This love cannot be seen in any physical sense, cannot be measured by any visible means. But like a healthy, long-lived tree the foundation, the underlying life supporting its existence has grown and strengthened wonderfully. The love I feel for this person is stronger than the deepest root system that could ever support the largest forests on this planet.
I don't know whether or not such things as soul mates or twin flames, or planet-wide root systems actually exist. And truthfully, it doesn't really matter. Because to the deepest core of my being I do know this. If these things do exist, there is only one person in this universe that fits the description of them all for me. That person goes by the name of Susan Kay Rolfes. Sue is someone I am certain has been with me in past lives, who will be with me the rest of this current life, and will be with me again. She is the only one who is able to raise my spiritual energy to higher levels because of the unconditional love we share. Sue is the only body, spirit and soul that has made my life possible. Our emotional and spiritual connection has become so solid and strong that I believe nothing in this place or time could ever diminish it. That's how it has always been, and how it always will be.
I love YOU, Sue!
Monday, December 23, 2019
Friday, December 20, 2019
Goodbye to the old?
Transgender people are each as different and unique as are all other individual human beings. Each trans person has had their own unique experiences and issues, and all have their own way of dealing with being transgender. In general, after most trans people begin living as or transitioning to the gender that they identify as, they do in fact wish to push their previous, incorrect self behind them in some way. Some absolutely loathe their birth body and name, and more than anything else would like to erase it permanently. Some do have ceremonies or celebrations as they bring their lives closer to their perceived reality. One common example is some sort of ceremony that includes burning a copy of their original birth certificate when they have a legal name change, or after having a life affirming surgery.
After I first began living my life as Mikayla, I wanted nothing to do with references to my past, my incorrect self. I didn't want to see old pictures, didn't want to see my old name, and I didn't wish to be known as a transgender woman. I merely wished to live the rest of my life as the person I had always known myself to be.....a "normal" woman.
Over time that sentiment has mellowed. My past did happen a certain way and cannot be changed. I am in fact a transgender woman and I have come to believe it important to openly live my truth, to be visible. As wonderful as it might have been if I had been born correctly as female, two very important aspects of my life would not have happened. These two things ARE my life. One is having met Sue and having been blessed with our shared life. The other is having the honor to become a father (oh yes, father!) to our beautiful, wonderful daughter, Christina.
So, contrary to what many other trans people might have done, I did not say goodbye to my former body. During the lifetime that I lived with, and thoroughly hated, having male anatomy be a part of me, I don't feel a need to say goodbye to those previous physical pieces. For me, this surgery doesn't really change who I am. My body now better conforms to my perception of reality, but my ongoing reality, the core part that defines who I am, remains unchanged.
I no longer feel a need to delete or ignore any aspect of my past. It was all a real part of my existence and truly influenced who I am today. Except for the great joy of Sue and Christina I might not ever celebrate any of my former maleness but at the same time it no longer depresses me. And I must admit to an increased happiness with how I now look.
After I first began living my life as Mikayla, I wanted nothing to do with references to my past, my incorrect self. I didn't want to see old pictures, didn't want to see my old name, and I didn't wish to be known as a transgender woman. I merely wished to live the rest of my life as the person I had always known myself to be.....a "normal" woman.
Over time that sentiment has mellowed. My past did happen a certain way and cannot be changed. I am in fact a transgender woman and I have come to believe it important to openly live my truth, to be visible. As wonderful as it might have been if I had been born correctly as female, two very important aspects of my life would not have happened. These two things ARE my life. One is having met Sue and having been blessed with our shared life. The other is having the honor to become a father (oh yes, father!) to our beautiful, wonderful daughter, Christina.
So, contrary to what many other trans people might have done, I did not say goodbye to my former body. During the lifetime that I lived with, and thoroughly hated, having male anatomy be a part of me, I don't feel a need to say goodbye to those previous physical pieces. For me, this surgery doesn't really change who I am. My body now better conforms to my perception of reality, but my ongoing reality, the core part that defines who I am, remains unchanged.
I no longer feel a need to delete or ignore any aspect of my past. It was all a real part of my existence and truly influenced who I am today. Except for the great joy of Sue and Christina I might not ever celebrate any of my former maleness but at the same time it no longer depresses me. And I must admit to an increased happiness with how I now look.
I did it!
I did it! After a lifetime of dreaming and fantasizing about having a true female body, after a lifetime of being unable to ignore and do anything about the hated male physiology pieces of me, after knowing this would happen "sometime" but never really sure when that time might be, I have had Gender Confirmation Surgery. The procedure is called a Vaginoplasty and I had this done on December 10th, 2019. A talented and experienced team at the University of Wisconsin Hospital in Madison has taken the male parts of me that I have always loathed and reshaped them into fully female anatomy. This is so indescribably wonderful!
The surgery itself and subsequent recovery in the hospital for a mere three days went surprisingly well. I had expected extreme pain and greatly reduced mobility, but it has been nothing like that. There was a very small amount of pain at first but that has greatly subsided. There has been an ongoing soreness (so far) but that seems to be lessening every day. I must refrain from sitting straight up, or directly on my bottom, for at least 30 days to prevent stitches from being unduly pulled. But I have been able to stand and walk around somewhat freely, and I have in fact been out already a few times to stores and restaurants. My genital area currently has a certain amount of swelling and scarring as expected, and I must go through a few weeks of necessary healing. The UW Hospital medical team has told me that everything "down there" looks very good and that I can expect it all to look and feel completely natural after this recovery time has passed. I do not wish to look at myself yet. I am trying to be patient, to give myself this time to heal. However, it is necessary to feel and touch myself when showering and peeing. So I absolutely know that the hated male anatomy is completely gone and this part of my body is finally (FINALLY!) 100% correct.
I am not experiencing a more pronounced sense of femaleness. This surgery has not changed who I am. My spirit, my soul remains completely the same. However, I do feel a heightened sense of happiness and joy with myself. It's a bit difficult to describe but I feel a kind of completeness that I don't recall ever experiencing before. I also feel more anticipation for my life going forward. Life is good.
The surgery itself and subsequent recovery in the hospital for a mere three days went surprisingly well. I had expected extreme pain and greatly reduced mobility, but it has been nothing like that. There was a very small amount of pain at first but that has greatly subsided. There has been an ongoing soreness (so far) but that seems to be lessening every day. I must refrain from sitting straight up, or directly on my bottom, for at least 30 days to prevent stitches from being unduly pulled. But I have been able to stand and walk around somewhat freely, and I have in fact been out already a few times to stores and restaurants. My genital area currently has a certain amount of swelling and scarring as expected, and I must go through a few weeks of necessary healing. The UW Hospital medical team has told me that everything "down there" looks very good and that I can expect it all to look and feel completely natural after this recovery time has passed. I do not wish to look at myself yet. I am trying to be patient, to give myself this time to heal. However, it is necessary to feel and touch myself when showering and peeing. So I absolutely know that the hated male anatomy is completely gone and this part of my body is finally (FINALLY!) 100% correct.
I am not experiencing a more pronounced sense of femaleness. This surgery has not changed who I am. My spirit, my soul remains completely the same. However, I do feel a heightened sense of happiness and joy with myself. It's a bit difficult to describe but I feel a kind of completeness that I don't recall ever experiencing before. I also feel more anticipation for my life going forward. Life is good.
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